Well.. its finally over, for good
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| Mon, 10-16-2006 - 1:06pm |
So Friday the 13th turned out to be unlucky for me after all. I'm not really a superstitious person but it just seems weird this all happened on that day.
Some of you may remember my posts about my breakup this past June (because he didn't want children and I did) and then my trying to get back together with him and spending time with him. Almost 2 months ago I told him he had one last chance to figure out what he wants and start acting like he wants to be with me. He had been acting more and more distant since June even though he kept telling me over and over he did love me and wanted to be with me but just didn't want to get back together yet for some reason. The 2 month deadline was for Oct 31st. Stupid me thought that If I kept hanging out with him and giving him more time he would eventually come around and want me back. In the end I spent the last 4 months in a limbo relationship not knowing what was going to happen and having my emotions tossed around. One day I would think things were great and the next I would be miserable. Well, sad to say, we didn't even make it to the end of the month.
He was supposed to come with me this weekend to my cousin's wedding out of town. All day Friday I thought he was going to go with. I was looking forward to it and thought that maybe this weekend would help us. He even sent me a couple emails asking me about what he should wear and asking me what our plans were for the weekend. I left work and around 7pm he calls me and asks me what time I wanted to leave Sat morning. I told him 9am and the kind of got quiet and said, "oh, guess I'll have to go into work at 5am then" I asked him what he meant and he said that he had too much work to do and that he would have to work in the morning and come back early on Sunday to get work done. I was upset because he had known about this weekend for a while and the more he talked the more I could tell he didn't really want to go and he'd rather stay home and work even though he wasn't saying it. So I finally just said I can't make up your mind for you, call me when you have figured out what you want to do. So he called me back about 10 minutes later and told me he wasn't going. I lost it and said fine, I knew you didn't want to really go anyway and hung up on him.
I know it sounds selfish because it really isn't all his fault he had to work, but after what's happened in the last 4 months, that was just the last straw. I have been feeling like I come 2nd and I was starting to resent him and 2nd guess everything he said and did the last 4 months. Honestly, I was more mad that he waited until 7pm to tell me instead of telling me earlier in the day. So it wasn't really the fact he had to work, it was the fact that he ignored my feelings and chose work over me and waited till last minute to tell me.
Eventually I called him back and we talked for like 2 1/2 hours on the phone and he was bawling and apologizing to me and telling me he would go with. He kept telling me that he did love me and I don't come 2nd but the more I thought about it the more I realized it wasn't worth it in the end. Even if he had came with, it wasn't going to change anything and it would have just been a miserable trip for both of us. In the last 2 months he really hasn't shown me much. He hasn't really proved to me that he wants to be with me. Sure, there were days where everything was great and I was hopeful, but overall something just wasn't there and I was feeling like I was going to end up ending it in 2 weeks anyway. So, I told him that my conscience was telling me it should just be over even though I really didn't want it be.
He cried and told me that he screwed up but he thought I was probably right. I wish I had been braver to just end it right then and there but I was so upset I kept waffling for the next hour and changing my mind thinking we could try and work it out even though I knew that I had already tried for 4 months and nothing has really changed. But after 2 hours we finally both just agreed we are better off ending it and it's the right thing to do right now even though it doesn't feel that way. He told me he loved me and I know that he does, but something was just missing from our relationship and he wasn't trying like I was to make it work so that’s why we agreed to end it.
I told him I wanted no contact and for some reason he thought that meant it was ok to still email me but I told him I needed at least a month of not talking to him at all. He said he would email me in a month to see how I was. To be honest, I'm not sure if a month is going to be enough time and I'm sort of worried about that. I don't doubt that we will still be friends in some way in the future but right now it's all just so hard. I think that maybe he thinks we will work it out and be back together in a month but I just don't think I can go through all of this again even though part of me would give anything to get him back. I'm so confused. In some ways the breakup was a relief and I'm not as upset as I think I should be. I guess that’s because I've been basically preparing myself for this for months.
So, I ended up doing the 4 hour drive to the wedding by myself and I cried most of the way. I've also been 2nd guessing my decision all weekend but deep down I know it's the right thing even though it hurts like hell. I just need some support right now to be strong. I've been wanting to call him all day and I'm missing him a ton and the hard part is I know he is having the same kinds of feelings and probably love to talk to me. But, as he said in our conversation. If we are meant to be together it will happen some day and a month or 2 months will not make a difference. Even still, I'm not so sure that we are right for each other at all. I'm in love with the idea of "us" and what we could have been. But I think I know, even though I don't want to believe it, that it probably won't ever work because we both want different things for ourselves in the future.
So, thanks for being there the last 4 months and trying to snap me back into reality. I could use any advice anyone can give about getting through this. I'm feeling very alone and sad and I'm having all of those thoughts that I'll never find anyone again that I will feel that strongly about.
Does anyone have any good breakup survival books to recommend? Or just general advise on how to not call him. I've been through all of this before with other guys but it would help to be reminded of them.

i need to read your whole story it sounds like you were loving him mreo than YOU and he knew that. he called all the shots
don't give up your needs to have a baby.. read my story. hold your head up hihg. LOVE YOU.. first. if he loved you enough he'd come aruond and fight for you. don't fight for someone that can't fight for you.. you deserve a man to love you more !
Oh sweetie, I really am very very sorry about this.