We're still in love, I think it's over
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We're still in love, I think it's over
| Fri, 01-19-2007 - 4:52am |
He's been my best friend for 10 years. He's going through a lot of personal issues, feels lost and confused for the first time in his life about what he wants. He had a family member die last year and it's caused him to think about death a lot (which was a bit of an issue for him before the loss). He says that he just doesn't want to grow up, ever, and that he's enjoying partying and just doing whatever he wants right now. I've been hurt by his strange regression over the last few weeks/months and how every time I try to go along with things but ask simply that he call if he's going to be out til 3am, he just can't seem to follow through. We had been talking about getting engaged, and I took that off the table a few weeks ago because I realized he wasn't really into it now, despite going along with the idea, and I was no longer feeling as secure in the relationship. It's strange, I really just never thought it would come to this. We're both still in love. But we're 28, and he is dealing with a lot and may not be capable of treating me with the consideration I need and deserve. He's trying to figure out exactly what he needs and if I can help or whether he needs to face it alone. Even if he tells me that he wants to work it out, I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it. I could be by his side and help him through whatever he needs to work out (hopefully with some therapy, which I've suggested and he is considering), but I don't think I can go backwards, from living together and talking about the rest of our lives, to being an occasional date while he works out his issues by drinking too much and not facing growing up (which is more where he seems to be). I think there's no happy resolution possible. It's killing me.

I know where you are coming from, I'm just coming out of a very similar situation except that my ex doesn't drink and we're a bit older and haven't lived together.
In my experience, if there is some deep personal issue like death, etc. that he needs to work through - he needs to do it alone. I don't mean that you can't be in his life, but what I do mean is that if he uses you as a crutch he may never get true resolution of his problem.
I wouldn't stand by if he were being destructive... but that's me.
What I can tell you is that having the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with look at me and tell me that he'd lost his passion for me because of some yet unnamed personal issue - hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before.
But you have to make that decision for yourself. You have to decide whether you are willing to wait and risk having him walk away anyhow.
I wish you the best either way... and you can always vent here :)
I understand how you feel. Like your situation, my boyfriend who I just broke up with after a year of dating were best friends for 10 years.
I am still having a hard time accepting the fact that we broke up because I had such high hopes for us. I really felt he was my soulmate and I finally found the "one" especially since we were best friends for so many years and he used to tell me that we're going to get married and all that good stuff.
The reason why things ended is because he has different goals in life. His goal in life is to take care of his parents and brother in every way possible. His parents do not work (his mom by choice, his dad due to health reasons) so he wants to take care of them because it makes him happy. He supports them finically to no end. He is also finically supporting his brother through college; tuition, dorming, books and all (his brother doesn't work either). My ex didn't want his brother to get a student loan because he wants to pay for it all. My ex has a stable job that makes good money, but not good enough that he can support his parents/brother and also save for his own future. All his money goes to them, he has no savings. I admire his motivation and support towards his family, but can't respect the fact that no one in his family does anything for themself. My ex bought them their cars, tvs, and pays for their property tax, etc. Everytime I would ask my ex questions like why doesn't your brother get a job to at least pay for his books, my ex would get upset at me saying how doing these things make him happy. So my dreams of getting married having a family wasn't something he wanted at this time because he has other things (his family) he wants to take care of first, but he said "eventually" he wants to get married, etc. Eventually meaning 5 years, 10 years....who knows. I have a good job, but not good enough to support an entire family.
My ex and I got along so well and we had an amazing connection. We always talked about getting married, but when it came down to it he couldn't prove to me that it was somthing he really wanted. He's already 31 years old and I'm already 29 years old, so I couldn't put my life on hold for something that might "eventually" happen. In addition, he told me that his family will always be his first priority. So If I were to be with him that would mean I'm settling to be second best. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I'm still feeling very sad about things, but I keep telling myself I only have one life so I have to try and make everyday count towards making my dreams come true.
Don't settle for less than you deserve....remember you only have one life. Can you imagine how hurt you will feel if he still didn't know what he wanted a year from now? You can't fall in love with potential because it may never happen and in most cases they don't. We can't change them to be someone we hope and pray they will be because it will never happen. The good news is.....there's someone out there for us that will love us so much that they will never let us go. They will never make us feel this hurt and shatter our dreams because when we hurt they hurt and making our dreams come true means making their dreams come true too.
Sorry so long....I guess I had lots to let out too. Hope this helps you feel a little better =) Just know that you're not alone.
I have to keep telling myself all this stuff because breaking up is so hard to do. There are times when I think to myself I can be patient and wait for him....but then I realize wait for what.......for me to get older and put my dreams on hold....no one's worth my dreams and no one should be worth your dreams too.