What about the children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
What about the children?
3
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 5:52pm

Weekends are awful. I hate them.

I've been doing pretty well, sleeping better keeping myself busy. The
knot in the middle of my chest and the feeling of panic have become less
common, although I've been generally down. Still progress and I've been
encouraged.

This morning I woke up early with that aching again. I got up and quickly
busied myself. No matter how busy my hands are I just can't seem to make
my mind stop thinking about him. Today is the first time I've really missed
him. I caught myself looking at the clock waiting until 10:00 when he used
to call. This is his weekend with his son, he used to call at 10:00 on
those weekends. I started to clean out a closet to keep busy. Of course I
found something that he had given me and I had the biggest meltdown I have
had to date. A weeping, sobbing inconsolably, on the floor, meltdown.

When my son woke up I decided to look through the paper to see if I
could find something to do with my son to keep my mind off my ex. I
found something really cool to do and found myself wanting to call
my ex and ask if he and his son wanted to go.

It was then I realized that my son has broken up with him too. I've asked
my son if he wants to talk about the breakup but being a typical 14
year old he says no.

My son got in trouble at school a couple of weeks ago, two days before the
breakup. He told a lie to his coach to get out of attending a team function.
Needless to say he got caught in the lie. He confessed, but because he had
committed an honor code violation he sent to the honor council. This would be
the second time this year and its pretty serious stuff. Two months ago he
lied to a teacher saying he hadn't received an email with an assignment.
Both lies are small and pretty normal teenage stuff, but his school has a
very strict Honor Code so it is taken very seriously. After the first lie I
grounded him and gave him a long talk about integrity. I honestly thought
it was a one shot deal and that I had gotten through to him. After the second
time I was at my wits end. My ex attend a good private school much like
my son's and left to come back home, a decision he regrets to this day.
He offered to talk to my son. I agreed. My son's father isn't around much,
so he doesn't really have muchadult male interaction outside of school
(all boys school) and with my ex.

So the ex gave my son a pretty stern lecture. I left them alone, but got the
highlights later. I too, had given my son a lecture the day before because
he was not doing as he was told when I would have the occasional date with
my ex and I wasn't able to leave him unsupervised for very long. (I'm talking
two hours alone while I went out to dinner. Its not like I was out all night.
He's 14 and more than capable of taking care of himself for a couple o hours)
I told him he was going to have to start towing the line and let me have
a date night once a week.

I gave him a hard time Saturday, the ex on Sunday. Monday we broke up. Tuesday
I told him about the break up. He got upset and said it was his fault. I tried
to assure him that it wasn't, told him as much as I about it as I thought he
needed to know to reassure him that he was not the cause.

Wednesday he went to Honor Council. I got a note from his advisor (they attend
with the student) saying that my son had spoken to her about the break up.

So now I'm sad for my son. He doesn't want to talk about it. I wonder if he
needs to talk to my ex? I don't have any problem with them continuing to have
a relationship, but should they? Should I encourage my son to reach out to
my ex if he wants? And if he does want to, should I ask my ex? They've known
each other for 7 years. Did they break up too?

I'm afraid my son won't trust another adult male to stay in his life. I understand
that things change and children need to learn that, but what is he learning here?

This makes my heart hurt just as much if not more than the break up.

Edited 5/19/2007 5:57 pm ET by asutherngrl




Edited 5/19/2007 6:01 pm ET by asutherngrl
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 1:57am

Of course he feels the pain of the upheaval almost as acutely as if it had been a divorce you had experienced and not a breakup. Either way, his world has slowly crumbled and he probably has no idea how to deal with it. True, kids are very resilient, they're more resilient when we give them what they need so they can heal and put that ahead of our own feelings on it.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 9:19am

Would it be possible for your son to see a counselor or someone at school about this? Or talk to the advisor more? I know he might be resistant to that, but I'm sure he's grieving the loss of a mentor and father figure the same way you're grieving the loss of your ex. Or maybe encourage him to do some journal writing or something constructive to let out his emotions.

I don't know the details of your breakup, or what terms you're on with your ex, but if you talk, maybe you could ask his feelings about talking to your son still. I'm sure after 7 years, he got to be close to your son too.

I'm not much help, I know, I just feel for your situation. Breakups are horrible for everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 1:18pm

Just sharing something I thought you might be interested in reading...I copied this from another posting on another board...

Letting Go of Harmful Relationships

By Bryce Kaye, Ph.D.

SET AND KEEP FIRM LIMITS

First of all, let’s dispense with the notion of immediate "friendship." If you’ve been struggling with a destructive relationship, then you’re going to need more distance than that. Friendship is possible when both parties have fairly good emotional boundaries around what’s private and not common ground. Coming from a destructive relationship, those boundaries are going to need time to be regenerated. If you’re going to "separate", the harder task is to separate emotionally, not just physically. Casual leisure contact sends your unconscious the misguided message that the relationship will continue as usual. It will prevent you from getting on with the painful but necessary business of grieving over the losses. If you try to keep casual company with each other, you probably will begin to suffer "strategic amnesia" or another form of creeping denial regarding the reasons for the separation in the first place.

Another important reason for avoiding casual contact is that you probably will be very vulnerable to misplaced empathy. One of the biggest hooks back into a destructive relationship is the exquisite sense of guilt you can feel for causing the other person pain. If you try to turn your relationship into a friendship, you will be placing yourself in the immediate vicinity of the other person’s anguish. Your old pattern may have been to try to placate such feelings. Just because you’ve decided to terminate your romance doesn’t mean those buttons aren’t easy to push again. You just may not be that good at ignoring another person’s pain, especially when it seems that you could resolve it so easily.

So how long do you wait before planning friendly company with the other person? Maybe years. Maybe forever. Certainly a long, long time.

SHARE YOUR GRIEF WITH OTHERS

If you have stayed in a destructive relationship for any length of time, chances are there was something positive that kept you there. It may have only been hopes and dreams arising from early days in the relationship. It may have been something as simple as a sense of belonging. It will help you to be honest about what you’re losing. Many people think they have to focus only on the negative aspects of the relationship in order to keep their resolve. Actually, this strategy can backfire. By trying to convince yourself that the relationship only had negative aspects, you may actually be more likely to change your mind later on. By accepting that there are some positives that you will miss, your decision to separate will be more integrated and therefore more stable. Your decision will not be undone just because some of the positives have slipped back into your awareness.

A very powerful (but relatively known) truth is that IT CAN BE OK TO FEEL LOVE FOR SOMEONE WHILE YOU LEAVE HIM OR HER. Love does not conquer all but neither does hate. Your better strategy is to accept that you are a cornucopia of love, hate, and numerous other feelings about your relationship. Hopefully, your decision to separate was not just based on your feelings but also what you judged was the best way to take care of your self. If so, you probably will have some feelings of sadness and grief for the lost positives including love.

With who do you share? Certainly not with the person from whom you are separating. It would be a paradox to try to separate and yet allow yourselves to get emotionally closer by helping each other to grieve. Similarly, some friends may be too closely involved with the other person for you to keep separate in your unconscious. You are best off with safe, intimate friends who can help give you permission to grieve for the positive aspects of what that relationship gave you, even while it was hurting you terribly. In other words, your confidants will need to be mature and wise. If you don’t have any friends who meet these qualifications, then consider a therapist with a good reputation. Whatever you do, don’t try to do all the emotional work alone. You deserve to make it easier on yourself

L A U R E N

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

--Dolly Parton