But what about his kids???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
But what about his kids???
1
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 12:22am

This is my first post here and I hate for it to be such an urgent request but I chose (though I realize break-ups are never well-timed) THE WORST TIME to leave. Our "talk to end all talks: happened Monday, lending itself to me severing all ties - something I've wanted to do for months with the man I deeply care for but wasn't completely happy with. The completely crappy part: his twin daughters turn 8 today, two days into the hell that is being apart. In order to successfully put a true end to the co-dependancy we have had and inability to ever follow-through with needed breaks in the past, I knew that I had finally summoned the power and have stuck to my guns on refusing to talk to him. It has been hard but I continue the mantra: "Stand your ground. If I'm not the strong one, no one will be and we will fall right back into the same old pattern of unhappiness." I have ignored his begging text messages, deleted all 10 voicemails after cringing to hear his teary, "Megan...", leave my phone at home each night for wine with the girls, and so forth. I remind myself that it hurts because I care about hurting him, but we were at a dead-end and severing all ties is the strongest and best thing I can do for us.

Well, today I heard my "last" voicemail from him. The only reason I listened was the suprising somberness and togetherness I sensed in his voice. I also knew he had just dropped my things off at my Mom's and sensed that he had something important to say. He told me, "Megan. I know not to call and I promise I am not trying to stalk you. This is the last time I will try to contact you but please hear this: I have left a box of your stuff at your Mom's and included is a letter. I ask you to PLEASE read the letter and keep an open mind. I will always love you and thanks for the memories." After 36 hours of being avoidant I was glad I heard him in what was probably his first moment of acceptance. It hurt me, too but settled me as well.

So I kept on my busy path and spent the day out of cell phone range with my sister at the river. When I returned home I noticed a text message regarding the kids who probably found out today (on their birthday - I still can't believe it and it kills me). He told me that they want me to know that I am a good friend and if I would like to speak with them I can call his phone and he promises not to answer. He expressed that he was very sorry for having to do that (I believe him, he is a good man just hit a low point in his life which he seems to do often.) However, that is what has led me here. I have heard so much advice about "no contact, no contact, etc." when trying to end it, and all advice about kids seems to pertain to parents which I am not - much different ball game. I want to make my peace with them but my own mother feels it best to just cut all ties and not even go there. My gut doesn't feel that is quite right.

During my posting here (sorry so long) he left me a voicemail and also called my mother, letting us know that the kids will go home to their mother tonight and have been given my phone# if they need to call me from there. He hopes it is ok and understands why I may not have wanted to call his phone. This makes me feel good inside and I am not nervous about talking to them. I am trying desperately to think of what I can say to let them know I love them and that sometimes these things just have to happen. I have every intent of protecting the integrity of our relationship against them and their mother, in general actually. It was a great relationship but it was messy being in it for the same reasons it is messy now. I really wish I had a manual - "Its called breaking up because its broken" has been great but not a whole lot on the logistics of being the dumper and fielding so many calls and definitely not much that I can find about leaving kids behind. I really hope the incessant contact attempts are over - we will see as we push past the 48 hr point I guess...In the meantime I hope the kids will get their chance to call and that I can handle it well. There are a lot of things I want their Dad to know right now but feel the need to follow my instincts on this one. Maybe someday we can talk and even love again. Someday I'll know. But today is not that day.... :( :( :(

Megan

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 12:56am

Hey M,

Congrats on your 1st post here & welcome! Maybe I'm just sleep deprived but I was a little cofused by your post.
I'd gather you & your boyfriend split but I'm not clear on why..of his co-dependancy issues?
What i have grasped is that it hurt you & you've been distracting yourself so you don't return to the relationship you've been wanting to escape for a while.... is that correct? You also have some guilt about not communicating with his kids since you feel an attachment?
Can I ask why you weren't happy with this man?