What am I supposed to think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
What am I supposed to think?
4
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 4:27pm
I had been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. We had talked seriously about getting married, but several years down the road. He had even had a talk with my mom about waiting until after I got through with college.
Less than a month after this talk with my mom, I feel like I am not a priority to him anymore. He's been playing a lot of softball and neglecting to even call me until late at night. I ask him to not quit softball, but to try to show me that I'm more important than the sport.
He broke up with me. The past three months have been torture on me because he still calls me every day and has said that we will get back together. We argue occasionally, but it's not like it was right before we broke up.
Two weeks ago we even went away for the weekend to visit mutual friends in a different state. Two weeks ago he was telling me he just needed this time for himself and that he wanted to be "sure" before we got back together. I would know that he was sure because I would have an engagement ring.
In the past week I have been feeling really down and talking to him about our situation. I know it wasn't the best thing to do but was asking him questions about how he felt... in the end I told him if he loves me then he needs to be sure to tell me. That broken hearts are often caused by unspoken words and that if I was to die in a car wreck tomorrow (he had a bad wreck about a year ago and was lucky to make it through without an injury) I would die not knowing if he loved me or not. He said at this point that if something ever happened to me, he would kill himself. How can you not be able to live without a person and not want to be with them at the same time? He also said 2 nights ago that this freedom, this time to be with friends and play softball, was not worth losing me. But then, apparently, his feelings drastically changed.
Then, this morning he tells me he's not sure whether he wants to be with me or not and that he's not sure whether we're "meant to be". He still loves me but he's not sure "in what way" and he says if I really loved him I would be able to be just friends with him. Shouldn't it be if he really loved me, he wouldn't WANT to be just friends?
I feel so used and lied to. I don't know what to think.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2005
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 9:01am

This boy is playing with the strings attached to your heart. And I'm in a similar situation, though with less contact - see the discussion "caught in limbo".

If I knew what you should do, I would honestly tell you, but I think in situations like this it's hard to know what to do, and what to say, in fear of pushing the person further away. If you're anything like me, you won't want to give them time in case they get over you and leave you broken hearted.

I think what is important for you to do though is consider...do you really want to be with a person in the long run who can hurt you in this way?

It's a loaded question, and I can't answer it for myself in my own situation, but think about it.

bg_567 xxx

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 12:54pm

How manipulative of him to say that to you! Sounds like he's got you hanging on a string...that he wants his freedom, but that he doesn't want to let you go either. This is completely unfair for him to be messing with your head like this. Therefore, you're going to have to be the one to put your foot down, for your own sake. I strongly encourage no contact for at least awhile. He's not going to be able to miss you if he knows you're right there at his beck and call whenever he decides he's lonely.

He's sending very mixed messages and this is NOT a "loving" way for him to ask. If HE really loved YOU, he wouldn't be so selfish and be playing these kind of games.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 10:30pm
I know you love him....but I think it's time to cut yourself free from this relationship...he obviously isn't putting forh the same amount of effort toward the relationship as you are and it doesn't appear that's going to change anytime soon.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 8:44am
We haven't spoken since Saturday morning. I've deleted all his numbers out of my cell phone so that
1. He won't be on speed dial, and
2. He doesn't have that "special" ringtone that is just for when he calls anymore.
I doubt that he'll call anytime soon and it hurts. I'm hardly eating and I want to sleep all the time. When I'm asleep is the only time I don't feel like crying. Try explaining to a bunch of 2-4 year olds (I work at a daycare) why you're sitting there crying in the middle of the day. It's tough.
At the same time I've moved from being hurt to being angry. I hate him for lying to me. Even if you're no longer "IN love" with a person, you don't lie to them like this. You don't talk about engagement and getting back together if you have doubts about doing it at all. The best he's been able to do is "I thought I meant it at the time" and that just pisses me off even more.
The worst part? Right before we broke up he and my best friend had started hanging out a lot, getting to know each other better (my best friend is a guy, no worries). Now my best friend still sees and talks to him while I'm left sitting here alone. And my family was out of town last week, didn't get home until middle of the night Sunday, so I was alone during all of this.
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