what are we doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
what are we doing?
11
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 11:48am
I'll recap my breakup: I ended an almost 2 year relationship with my ex after he refused to go with me to the hospital for biopsies and surgery when I had cervical cancer, and generally acted like a selfish jerk. It was a hard breakup, and he lashed out at me, told me the whole relationship was "awful," "horribly painful," and something he was trying to forget ever happened. We had about 3 1/2 months of no contact.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, he calls out of the blue, we talk for about an hour about nothing at all, and I don't hear from him again. I finally work up the courage to open his last email to me, sent on what would have been our anniversary, and it's an "I'm sorry for being a selfish jerk" message, to which I responded. I also sent him an email about my recent victory at trial, and he responded by offering to buy me a drink to celebrate. At his suggestion, we met up Saturday night, and did dinner and drinks. He made reservations. He was dressed nicely. He looked good (and so did I, not "sexy," but classy). We talked for over an hour, pleasantly, and I figured I could do this "friends" thing, it didn't hurt as much as I'd expected, though I was worried about our famous extreme chemistry if we tried to spend too much time together. Then dinner/drinks turned to the topic of the breakup (he turned it there, I think, but I can't say for sure that I didn't). We both got upset, I raised my voice, I started to cry, he started to cry. I think we pulled it back by the end of the evening, went our separate ways, but things he said at dinner made me think he was still a selfish idiot (he says he doesn't remember a "specific request" to go to the hospital, and didn't think he had to go without one). Then, on Sunday, we start emailing furiously about the breakup and our feelings about how it ended. We talk on the phone, briefly, but both start crying, so it's back to email. We must have exchanged over a dozen long, brutally honest, articulate emails on each side. I kept wondering why he was doing it - he hadn't talked to me in over three months, he had said more times than I can count that we were a horrible failure as a couple and he's glad we're through (he's kind of a prick that way, in case you couldn't tell). So, why the insistence on talking through it all? I don't know.

Anyway, eventually I apologized and said I really didn't want to do all the drama, it didn't seem to be doing anything but upsetting us both, let's talk about something else, he apologized, we said let's make peace. Then we continued emailing back and forth all Sunday night, jokes, reminiscing about times together, in kind of a flirty tone (though email's hard to get a sense of "tone"). At dinner, I was shocked to learn he hadn't seen the new Michael Moore movie, he's a big Michael Moore fan (he implied that he hadn't been to the movies since we broke up, in kind of a mopy way, and was also extremely detailed about how he'd spent the last couple of weekends just working on his car - subtext: I'm single??). Sunday I said, basically, let's be friends, maybe we can hang out some time. He said, how about we see that movie together? I say okay, he says the weekend works best for him.

So, now we've got plans to see a movie together Friday night. He's super accommodating - he'll go wherever I want, he can drive, he'd be happy to pick me up, he's willing to leave work early on Friday if I want to see an early show. What's going on here? I may be clueless, but is this how people transition to friendship? I kind of thought we'd "hang out" after the emotional intensity died down a bit more (I expected it to be weeks or months before we "hung out" again), and I thought it would be more like a Sunday afternoon matinee, a baseball game, something casual and light like that. Isn't a movie together kind of date-like and intimate, sitting next to each other in the dark for hours, we did have very extreme chemistry? And what's up with two weekend night "get togethers" with him in a row? Is that how people do friendship? Plus, is this some sort of charity thing? I broke up with him. But he hurt me very badly not being there when I had cancer, and everyone who's heard the story thinks he's a complete jack-ss. Is he trying to redeem himself? He said something about being a better friend to me than he'd been a boyfriend. Is he trying to regain my trust to get back together, or is this just to make him feel like less of a creep? Is this an elaborate attempt at a booty call? I'll actually be up near his house for a continuing education class on Friday, I suggested we just stick around up there to see a movie, but I'm more than a bit concerned at ending up at his place, he has painted and bought new furniture and I can see the offer to give me a tour coming up (I should not be alone with him any place with horizontal surfaces, because even if I think he's a loser, he's still pretty hot). Any thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 11:09pm
What ARE You doing? Please don't take this the wrong way, because I am just trying to help you. I have felt your pain for more than 3 months and you were so strong. Now you are starting all over again? What makes this guy even worth the chance? You are there when he wants you to be. But he was not there when you needed him to be and the fact is, he is probably too selfish to be able to rely on him to be there when you need him.

I think you are just getting yourself into a mess. There are lots of other hot guys out there... ones who will NEVER hurt you. Why try to pick up with a guy who hurt you bad and will just continue to do so.

Think of how great you would feel if you stood him up. Then he would be left with all of the questions that you have been asking yourself over and over.

I know it is hard when your heart is involved, just make sure you are thinking with your brain, too and know that we are by your side no matter what you may choose.

Take care!!!

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