What Are YOU Doing to Get to Recovery?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
What Are YOU Doing to Get to Recovery?
3
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 3:27am

Hi All....

Just now writing to share some of my insights and progress and see if anyone wants to share where they are in their recovery. What are you doing? How are you doing?

For me, I'm looking at wafting between a series of emotions and the stages of "grief."

It's like tuning a radio...I drift at different times of the day between anger, to sadness, to acceptance, to pleading, to denial and back to accenptance again....

Some things I have done recently and why I hope they will help me in my path to recovery:

1) Journal writing/venting online: I try to pour out my feelings here. I'm especially angry at times that my ex gf would move on so quickly without really giving things a chance. I feel sometimes she gave up and acted out so that I would want to break up with her or want things to end. I didn't want them to end. I feel confused at times and need to focus less on the past and focus more on getting to inner peace.

2) Staying active: I ran the half-marathon 2 weeks ago in a personal record time of 1:53:29 beatig my previous year's time. I go to the gym, I run, I take care of myself and eat right. I don't want the pain I'm feeling to get the better of me. It's a struggle at times.

3) Accepting that it's over by telling people who ask or who need to know it's over: My ex gf told me she had a "serious" bf who "wants the same things" 4 weeks ago on Feb 21st. I was gutted and crushed. Also adding to that was that she said "Please don't tell anyone I have a new bf". I found that insulting and disrespectful. When people ask where she is...I say "We're no longer together, she has a new bf. It's hard because there are so many memories tied up with our social club. That's all you need to know." People get it and don't push. If I leave my club early because she's there, I will discretely advise the host of the party by email why I left. It's important for me to avoid any reunion fantasies and to be honest with people about my situation.

4) NO CONTACT: this is hard. We haven't spoken since Feb 21st and I have not emailed her since writing "goodbye" last Saturday. In between I did pour our my heart, describe my feelings. Her responses were ambivalent and defensive. There was no apology. In fact she still doesn't understand why I would be upset that after being together for 18 months and being friends for 2 years prior, I would be upset that she would distance herself to the point there was no relationship, stay in constant touch, then start up with someone new so quickly. She's written twice this week forwarding a flyer for an upcoming concert. It's a typical "curtain call" where she's sending "friendly" information about activities we used to share together. It seems manipulative and cruel frankly. I have resisted writing and will in future simply delete those emails without reading them because I can't block them.

5) This board---this forum is so great to vent. I feel a tremendous freedom here where I can share, write, vent and share similar experiences.

6) Mixing and getting out. I go out with friends who are fun and don't push or judge, they're just great to be with. It's important to connect with the world so we don't get caught up in a haze of self-pity which delays our recovery.

All of us will recover and it will not be easy. If you were involved with a confused or ambivalent partner as I was it's doubly hard because the relationship never really felt like it ended...it just sort of fizzled out while we kept in touch...it felt like a "break" rather than a "break up".

7) Accepting my own responsibilities: It would be 100% wrong to BLAME her for my pain. I obviously played a role in this. I could have left sooner. I could have been more self-protective. I could have been more expressive, perhaps more affectionate, more something...I don't beat myself up over it. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work but only one person to end it. This one was hard because rather than working on things, it seems she just stopped trying and put up a series of boundaries that were impossible to overcome without ever disconnecting.

That's where I am today. I'm sad, but I'm hopeful tomorrow will be better.

Cheers!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 11:00am

Well last night I drank a lot of beer -- does that count as recovery?

I definitely agree wtih you about going to the gym and eating right -- I feel tons better when I'm working out. No pints of Ben & Jerry's -- just lots of salads.

I've been leaning a lot on my girlfriends and my sister -- calling them instead of him when I have the urge to pick up the phone.

I'm making sure I have plans for Saturday night so that I'm not sitting at home moping.

Like you, I'm being honest with people about the break up. He hasn't been telling his people (we're in different cities) that we're broken up. He's been making crazy excuses for why I haven't been around. This weekend it was because I was in Ohio taking care of my sick mom. When I talk to his people I set the record straight.

I've been on message boards probably way too much -- venting and reading.

I've written a bunch of emails to him and saved them as drafts rather than sending them.

I've cleaned the hell out of my house.

I feel like you -- I have waves of emotions. Sometimes I feel really quite good and strong and powerful about the whole thing. Other times I feel weak and grief-stricken and weepy. Sometimes I'm angry. Last night one of his employees called me to confirm that in December after his business Christmas party he slept with one of his employees. There had been rumors, and she was tracking it down for me. The girl has been going around telling everyone in town that he can't fire her, because she slept with him. Sigh. I never suspected him of cheating so this was devastating to me on one hand, but is making it easier for me to come to terms with the break-up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 11:52am
He sounds awful.... Cut yourself off from any contact including having people keep track of his past. It only makes it worse. Does that information really do anything for you? How does that information help with your recovery?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 12:02pm

Yeah, it does make it easier for me to remain in no contact mode. Cheating is an absolute deal breaker for me. The rest of it I kept hoping we could resolve, but there's no resolving the cheating.

I'm not really having people keep track of him. The girl who called me is a friend and one of his employees. She calls me for moral support when he's been a jerk to her (not paid her all of the hours she clocked, or yelled for something stupid . . . ). She's the one who heard the rumor about the other bartender a month or so ago, when we were still trying to work things out. I wasn't willing to break up with him just on a rumor, but now she's heard the story from the other bartender herself, so I feel that's credible.

I know eventually I have to stop talking to her and to his mom and to our mutual friends, but I've only gone no contact since Thursday, so I think weening myself away from the rest of them will take a little lmore time.

Yeah, he's a real treasure, isn't he? At least I'm not crying today.