What can be done to "help" in a break-up

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
What can be done to "help" in a break-up
3
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 1:49am
I am just wondering.... when you break up with someone, what can you do to help it be as painless as possible on the other person? :-|
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 12:54pm

Be clear and firm, not wishy-washy.

Be honest but not hurtful (for example, say "I just don't think we're right for each other" rather than "you have no ambition and can't hold a job to save your life").

Don't contact him after the breakup...make it a clean break.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 4:24pm

Have the decency to break-up with someone in person. Do not do it over the phone, via an e-mail or voicemail. Be honest, be kind, be considerate, be repectful and be consistent. Do not patronize the person. Do not tell the person what you think they want to hear but what you really feel. Do not say anything that might give the other person hope at reconsiliation such as "this is how it has to be for now" or "I still love you, respect you and want you but..." or my personal favorite "this is better for you this way". Do not try to be friends with them or even suggest it. At this point, why would they want to be friends with you? You just broke up with them!

Do not contact the person at all, for any reason. They know how to get in touch with you if they want to. Clean breaks may be hard on both people but are easier in the end. You might feel guilty for hurting them but it's not their job to ease your guilt. Leave them alone!

Keep in mind, this is a totally new idea for them. You have had the time to get used to it. The person might be upset or might not understand how or why this is happening. This is a completely normal (and expected) reaction. Keep it short and sweet. Do not let the break-up conversation linger on and on.

I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh. I had a really painful break-up months ago but the aftermath has lingered. The entire experience lasted hours and alot of really stupid and unfeeling things were said by my ex-bf during the break-up. Just trying to prevent another person from going through what I had to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 9:07pm

Thanks to both of you and I agree with all that you've said. When I broke up with my last boyfriend I realized that I was saying things to try and be "nice" and make things "easier" on him, when in fact it made things worse & dragged out longer than it should have. We also have been trying to remain "friends" (his idea) which has been awkward at times, to say the least.

The situation I am in now though is very different so I am just trying to proceed with care & caution. We rushed into things really, really quick & were engaged a few months ago. He's in the Army so contact w/him has been limited. He was home for the holidays & things were strained... I was already starting to feel differently. As lady said, "Keep in mind, this is a totally new idea for them." So true... I have had time to get used to the idea.

I tried to tell him what was going on w/me when he was here but he kept avoiding the subject. He could feel me pulling back & in return he started grasping at anything... asking me all the time when I would marry him. I felt rushed & finally told him (had to be on the phone... I won't see him for about 3 months) that I was in no way, shape or form ready to be married, much less engaged.

At the advice of a friend, I wrote down what I wanted to say before hand & had a list in front of me. It helped me to stay on track & try my best not to give him false hope. So many times I want to soften the blow when a direct hit is probably best? It sounds awful... I've not had someone break up w/me (that I really, really cared about) so I can only imagine.

I feel bad because we can't just sit down & have a heart to heart. I mailed him a letter but I don't even know if he received it because he started basic that week. I don't have his new address & I don't know if he just hasn't been able to call... or he doesn't want to. So that's where things are right now. At some point (Mar/Apr) he will have to come over & get all his stuff. Right now I sort of feel like it's the calm before the storm.