What could her intentions be?
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| Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:04am |
I met the most wonderful woman a little over 3 months ago. In our first conversation, she explained that she was getting a divorce. She and her X to be, agreed in Oct and she had moved out in Dec. This was after she went to counseling for 9 months-without him trying to work on things. I met her late Feb. Our relationship was fantastic, mature, open and caring. We were very comfortable with each other. We regularly communicated about how she was feeling about her divorce process and there were times she said she did not feel right being married and dating me or sleeping with me. We would back off a little, but within less than a week, we were closer than ever. I felt very drawn to her and everything she did gave me the impression she was feeling the same. We had decided to stop having sex because she had a friend who's X got a girl pregnant before the divorce was over and she did not want that-I completely agreed. We found many new and very moving ways to enjoy each others sexual drives that made me feel even closer to her. Our conversations were great and we would talk about and express our hopes for a future together.
The breakup happened when we were out dancing last Saturday. We had just come off the dance floor and she said she had the best dance with me. We decided to step outside to cool off. I asked a question about how the night developed, since our original plan was to go to a friend's party and meeting a girlfriend and dancing suddenly became an important factor. Also, I should include that when I picked her up for the evening, for the first time since I had been dating her, she had on fake eyelashes and no bra for our night out. She looked fantastic, but I was also wondering what had compelled her to dress like that when she had never dressed like that before for me alone. I suddenly started thinking there was someone else in the picture. Thinking she might want to go dancing alone, and becoming very concerned there was someone else now in the picture, I felt it was important to ask if she wanted me to go dancing with her after our stop at the party. I was relieved when she said yes. I couldn't imagine her bringing me along dancing if she was trying to impress someone else.
So, back to being outside cooling off from dancing-when I told her I felt a little weird about how the night came together and expressed my wonder over her making sure she looked very nice and that it got me thinking, she suddenly told me she didn't see a future in the relationship. I was floored.
Yesterday (4 days later), she called and asked to meet Saturday and said it was just to meet-no subject or intent given. I told her I needed to think about it and get back to her. Last night, she sent me a text message telling me she had her period. I sent her a text back asking if that had been worrying her, to which she stated, no, but she thought I might be concerned. Now I'm thinking she abruptly dumped me because of an incident that happened 2 days earlier on Thursday when she wanted to make love and asked me to cum in her. I told her we couldn't do that right now. I knew it was just the passion and I didn't want her feeling guilty the next day. Could it be that she has taken my concern for her wishes to make sure she doesn't get pregnant until after the divorce and interpreted that I don't really want to commit to her. We had discussed a few times that children would be a wonderful gift since there is a strong possibility she cannot get pregnant and we were both in our late 30s and would love children (she wants 4 and I want 3).
If it's over, I want to move on. But I'm so hopeful of getting back to the wonderful relationship we had, I can only hope that's what she wants. I would like to avoid the pain of meeting her only to find she wants to put closure on the situation-I would feel crushed and belittled. I'm battling with the abruptness of her change of heart. I can't imagine she could be finished with me after all the things she did and said. If she is, than she is an amazing actress or has no clue what her actions were telling me and I don't want anything to do with her anymore.
But if there is a chance I've given her a message that could push her away and make her take this course of action, I want to make sure she realizes how I really feel and hope to have her back in my life. I'm also concerned the divorce has put pressure on her that I have not been able to fully appreciate.
If anyone has been in a situation where they were getting divorced and happened to meet someone they became romantically involved with, please share with me what was going on in your head. I'd really like to try and relate to what she could be going through.

I think you should meet with her tomorrow...you'll just drive yourself crazy wondering "what if" if you don't.
But it's really not a good idea to date separated people...I won't date anyone whose divorce hasn't been final for at least a year, actually, because there are just too many things going on emotionally for the person going through it for them to start a healthy relationship. I thought I was *fine* when I was going through mine (because I'd initiated it, after all), but I was so far from "fine" it's not funny. But only with hindsight could I see that...you couldn't have told me I wasn't fine at the time.
Sheri
When I was separating from my husband I met my (now) ex-boyfriend.
I was delighted to meet someone, who was so different than my (now) ex-husband,
that it developed very quickly, seemed ideal, etc. It is great
after all to have someone, who is falling for you, while
you are leaving someone else (I left, he did not want to).
It makes you feel better about yourself, and totally unempathetic
towards the person you are leaving. If I reveresed the roles,
as today I am the one, who is being dumped, I can imagine
it would be a great boost to my self-esteem to meet someone
new. But now I know, that after every relationship one needs a period
of time to grieve, when it ended. The person, who is grieving
cannot be fully in their comfortable self, they are preoccupied
with their own feelings, may not quite pay attention to yours.
I would still meet with her and really listen, what's going on in her head.
Ask more questions than you make statements. Agree with her to lower
her defenses, just to get her to talk more. Sounds like you need
an explanation, an understanding to calm down, I did not get that
feeling about her.
I'm sure others will/have tell you the same - it is not a good idea to date someone that is married - whether or not they are separated and going to get divorced. I'm sure they will spell out the reasons too. But you can sum it up as she isn't healthy enough emotionally to be in another committed relationship. She is still married.
You are the rebound guy....that is why she doesn't see a future with you. Sorry you have to go through this.
Thanks Sheri-I really appreciate your input-especially since you've been on her side. She too initiated the divorce. It's been easy for me to overlook the divorce as a major influence in what's going through her head because I've never been married nor did I have any relationship going on when I met her. It was easy to go all in.
I'm meeting with her today with the intention of just hanging out and enjoying the company of someone I care about, but I'm not going to talk about the breakup unless she initiates. Even at that, I don't want to dig deep. I've come to the conclusion that I need to let go. I'm going to let her do most of the talking to see where she wants to go with our visit today. As much as I want to return to what we had a week back, I'm realizing that's impossible until she goes through her divorce and then probably dates a few more guys to get her confidence back and feeling mentally strong about herself. Then I just hope we find each other again.
It's a tough thing to do.
Thanks-you're exactly right, I would like to understand it and have a reason to calm down. Since the relationship was so important to me and I felt I really connected to her, not getting at least an explaination is a kick in the gut. It invalidates the person I thought she was and makes everything she did-fake, and I don't think she is. Maybe one of the other guests was right in stating "she's an acadamy award winner", but I didn't get that impression since she takes time to read to children as a volunteer and is also a vegan and has a great set of friends that appear to support the image of here being a good person. I got the strong impression that I was with a healthy, generous woman. Of course I could be wrong too.
Until I'm proven wrong, I'm going to take the high road with my thinking of her and write off the situation to the mess a divorce creates-no mater who initiates it. One of the respondents said not to date unless the divorce was final for at least a year. I totally agree. Although I knew she was getting a divorce, I thought that meant the day she decided to get divorced she was mentally finished. It brings me back to our very first conversation after meeting-the first words out of her mouth after saying hello on the phone were "I'm in the process of getting a divorce!"-I asked, "how are you doing with that?", she replied "I'm a basket case". For some reason, it's one of the most wonderful things I remember her saying, it was very endearing. Unfortunately I didn't realize the weight it carried. Now I realize it's not over until it's over and then it's not over (at least for about a year from then).
I'm going to treat her as the person I was in love with while we were in the relationship, but keep my distance to allow her to go away and lick her relationship wounds and not torture myself. I know this means she may find someone else in six months, which right now is scary to me, but I think we all know there is no other option.
I hate to sound sappy, but I do hope we'll find each other in a couple years and really fall for each other without all the baggage.
If anybody has advice on how to help that happen, other than simply walking away and putting her in my calendar for a call back in 24 months, I'm all ears (eyes) lol.
Real Connection:
Years ago I learned my lesson on a similar topic. I won't get into all the details, butI will share my lesson learned and advice: never date anyone that is going through a divorce or almost divorced. It's not fair to you, and the only reason it may be good for them is it will provide them with support and help them get through the tough period. People going through a divorce are needy and confused. They are not emotionally healthy enough to develop a new relationship. By chance one may get lucky; however, for the most part its like playing with fire around your heart.
Your confusion about thie situation may likely never be resolved. My advice to you: take care of yourself and move on. There are tons of nice, emotionally healthy women out there just hoping to find a good man like you.
Best wishes,
Beth