what did i do?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
what did i do?!?
4
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 4:46pm
I feel horrible. I’ve been keeping in contact with my ex (I know, bad) since we broke it off and it’s been anywhere from good to bad to frustrating. Last night I was with some friends and he called, after not hearing from him for three days. My friends got crazy and told me if I answered it they were going to be really upset, so I just ignored the call. He called four more times throughout the night, and even though it was killing me I didn’t pick up. I saw him today, and he wouldn’t even look at me. I know he thinks I was with someone else last night and that’s why I didn’t pick up, but that isn’t the case. The look on his face almost killed me, and I’m having a really tough time. Now I’m beginning to think I should have just answered it, I’m hurting so bad right now and I know that it really is over. He looks right through me as if I wasn’t there or anything. I know that he isn’t going to speak to me ever again, and it just makes me so sad. I know it’s for the best, but right now I just don’t believe it. I just want this all to go away has anyone else gone through anything like this? Did I just make a terrible mistake?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 10:20pm

Hey now, don't panic...

I know it's really hard to just let things go, and believe me, I'm still struggling with that myself. My ex and I broke up over a year ago, but like you, I've kept in contact with him on and off since then. When we first broke up, he basically acted like he hated me and refused to talk to me most of the time. We ended up getting into a huge fight and eventually I decided that the best thing for me to do was break off contact, at least from my side. He would still contact me occasionally and I would just ignore him. Well, this lasted for about four months, and I was actually doing pretty well. But after awhile I started to panic and thought that I had lost him for good...and it devastated me inside. Even though I knew it was for the best, I thought that by not responding to him, I had pushed him out of my life and it scared me a lot.

But it turns out I was wrong and as pathetic as it may sound, my ex and I are still in contact to this day. Those four months of no contact from me didn't phase him at all; in fact, he's a lot nicer to me now and recently I've been wondering if it's possible for us to be friends--but that's a whole other issue. Unfortunately, even to this day I still feel a bit panicky if I ignore my ex...which is probably part of why I'm having such a hard time finally closing the door on him. It really sucks--even though you know breaking off contact is for the best, it still hurts like crazy. But as I've been trying to convince myself lately, we NEED to end contact in order to take care of ourselves. It's an important step on the way to proper healing after a breakup. And although it's difficult to tell what the future holds, I'm trying not to think of no-contact as a permanent thing. As much as my ex has hurt me in the past, I would like to be friends someday...and maybe he'll be open to that when I'm ready. Or maybe he won't be, but I can't let my fear of that happening interfere with me doing what I need to do right now.

Keeping in contact with my ex has been really hard on me, and it's only recently that I've noticed (accepted?) that it's having a negative effect. I thought staying in touch was a good idea; I wasn't ready to lose him from my life. I thought I was ready to be friends with him, but now I'm realizing that if that were the case, I wouldn't be so overly sensitive with him. I still feel hurt if he doesn't contact me for awhile; I always wonder if he's upset with me for something, even when I know I haven't done anything wrong. I usually feel happy when we do talk, but only for a little while...then I start to worry that it could be the last time. Keeping in contact with him isn't really worth all the heartache that comes along with it...because honestly, what's the point? He says he still has "feelings" for me, yet he's engaged and lives hours away...it isn't like he actually wants to be with me again. And even if he did, I couldn't do it...

So that's why I'm doing my best to not contact him anymore. It's only been a week since we last talked, and there have already been a few moments where I've been tempted to IM/text him and say hi. I know he'd be friendly/willing to talk, but that doesn't really matter. It doesn't mean anything anymore. I'm trying to get over my fears and stop feeling guilty for not wanting to talk to him...because when it comes down to it, I am the only person I should be worrying about right now. I need to take care of MYSELF.

Try not to worry or feel too bad. He's your ex for a reason, right? You guys broke up and you have every right to not want him in your life right now, especially because it obviously still affects you. You also have every right to date someone else...he shouldn't be mad at you for that. Do you want to be his friend? Or are you still interested in dating him? You can't wait around forever for him. Keeping in contact is only going to confuse you even more. Words need to be supported by one's actions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 7:55am
Imo, keeping in contact with an ex will NEVER let you move on.....you won't begin the true healing process until there's no contact. Everyone has to do this in their own time, of course. I hope you find that that time is coming closer. Best wishes to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 1:08pm

it's horrible! we work together, so that makes it even worse. he did actually talk to me yesterday; he came by my desk twice to ask me some stupid question about work (that anybody else could have answered, by the way), and kept passing by me all day giving me those horrible hurt looks. he's done plenty to hurt me, of course, but the thought of hurting him in any way kills me. it doesn't even make sense to me. he called me twice last night too, but all we did was argue again. it was funny, the first time he called he told me he was never going to call again, and he did of course, not even fifteen minutes later, to try and make me feel bad again.

the good thing about it though is that it made me so angry i'm almost hoping he sticks to it this time! i love him, but he's put me through so much that i'm just tired now, of all of it. i know of at least three girls he has some kind of involvement with, it drives me crazy. and sadly, i know his phone calls and half ass attempts at maintaining a friendship are b.s. as well. i know i need to cut him off. at first i thought i wouldn't be able to, but now that i got through it and realized that i didn't die, the sky didn't fall on my head and i actually started to feel a little better, i think i can do it now. to stay in contact is to keep going crazy. to stay in contact is more hurtful than not, in the long run.

i'm assuming your ex isn't mean and crazy like mine. i actually have managed to stay friends with most of my exes; true, genuine friendships i wouldn't trade for anything. we gave ourselves enough time to heal, and even though one of mine still jokes about us getting married and having babies, there aren't any residual feelings to get in the way. on my part at least. if i still had feelings for them like i do this one, i wouldn't be able to. that's the key, i think. you have to sit back and really consider whether or not it's worth it to keep them in your life. the worth it factor for me shrinks every day, with every irate phone call, blatant disrespect, and discovery of yet another girl to add to the list. i can't even remember all the crap he's done to me anymore, the new stuff keeps cramming out the old, there's so much of it!

getting over the guilt is the hardest part. i always feel guilty when i don't answer. i've never put myself or my feelings first. maybe that's part of the reason i got into all this in the first place. if no contact is what's best for you, don't feel bad! i have about ten people i can call when i get the urge, which is often. it's hard now, but i know it will get better for all of us and we'll wake up one day and realize how much better, stronger and smarter we are for it.

thank you again for the encouragement, so nice to know someone else (actually a lot of someones!) are going through the same craziness. we will get through this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 3:56pm
What's with his looks? How old is this immature man...stop looking at his angry mug and forget it..you cannot answer all his calls in fact No Contact is the best way to move on...sigh..