What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
What to do?
5
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 10:00pm

OK, I was dating a guy for a couple of months. We had a whirlwind romance and everything was great. We had so much in common, so much fun together and spent a lot of time together. Almost two weeks ago, he told me his ex had come back and that he wanted to give it another chance. He emphasized to me that he still liked me very, very much and that this was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do because he'd never broken up with someone that he still liked and really wanted to be with. He also told me that this girl had dumped him out of the blue and he felt like he never got closure on the relationship. He said that he felt like he "owed" it to her to try again - almost like he felt some kind of obligation.

We hung out for a while and he couldn't stop holding my hand and staring into my eyes. We went to get my car from the valet and he held me tightly and kissed my forehead and cheek. Then I drove him to his car down the block where we sat in my car and talked more and kissed for awhile. He had the hardest time getting out of the car and when he finally did and said good-bye, he choked over his words and touched my face again and seemed extremely upset.

He told me that he wanted to stay in touch with me but would understand if I didn't want to. Of course I wanted to but I was determined that I wasn't going to contact him first. Well, in less than a week, he'd already emailed me. I emailed back and he responded. I responded back and now it's his turn. The playful back and forth that we always had is there and it's great.

I told him that he had to do what he had to do and that I wasn't going to lower myself to begging for him or anything like that. He told me that the way I was handling things spoke volumes about me and showed him what a wonderful person I was.

What do you think? Is there still a chance here? I was so heart-broken, hurt and shocked that he did this, especially knowing how much he really, really liked/likes me and how she ended the relationship. I am realistic in that I know things may be hard, but do his actions speak louder than words? Does he maybe need the closure from this failed relationship and once he gets it, he can come back to me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: metro_gal
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 3:24am

....."do his actions speak louder than words? Does he maybe need the closure from this failed relationship and once he gets it, he can come back to me".....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: metro_gal
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 6:53am

Hi metro_gal,


I gotta agree with Sandra.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
In reply to: metro_gal
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 10:45am

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Umm, no. If he had in any way ever been disingenuous, fickle or flaky, I would not be here asking about this. He's a stable guy who has always been genuine and honest. It was NOT dramatics, it was how he's always been with me. He said he "owed" it to her because of their history. I think he was/is genuinely confused about his feelings. I asked him why he was giving her another chance to break his heart when she'd already done it and he said he didn't know but that because he never got closure, he needed to either do that or find out what the relationship had to offer.

I appreciate the advice but know that I have to trust my own feelings as I'm the only one that was in this relationship and know him. I realize you only get one small bit of what happened and that was my mistake for coming out here and expecting someone to understand from only the bit of info. I'll remember what has been said, but only I know truly what's him and going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: metro_gal
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 11:38pm

The part where he owes it to someone who broke up with him becuase of their history just gets me. Doesn't it upset you that whatever you think you have with him isn't nearly enough? She's been long gone and it didn't take much more than a single word form her and he was off runnng. Either way, he's chosen her over you and as much as that can hurt, it's best to know now, so you can begin the process of healing.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
In reply to: metro_gal
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 10:55am

This in a way is similar to my story. My guy and I dated for about 10 months and I found out after I asked that he's been dating someone else around the same time he met me. I am not sure if this other woman knew or not, but I'd seen evidences of her at his house and from a birthday card to him in April...she's also in love. Had it not been for this board I would still be with my guy. It took me a while to catch on because he was always sincere and very emotional with me, and completely honest. I'd asked him within 3 months if he was still dating..but after he said so after 7 months, I knew I couldn't deal.

Most caring and affectionate man I have ever been with (and I'm 37..so I should know). I felt like yeah..there is something about me that makes it so hard for him to let me go. He'd do the same things, touch my face, kiss my forehead, hug and squeeze me for a long time, walk me to my car..linger, send me emails..call me to say he can't eat, he misses me, tells me he doesn't want to loose me etc. (there was no doubt he cares strongly for me) But the punch line is this...not enough to make me his one and only inspite of the other woman who also had his affections.

I think we ignore this vital point..Yes he sincerely cares but not enough to make you the number one. It took me 21/2 months after I found out that he was still dating the other woman (and he did not lie) to finally walk away. I wrote him a one-page closure letter a little over 2 weeks ago. It's been only 2 weeks of NC and he emailed me on Saturday saying how he has been thinking a lot about me....blah..blah..and how he wants to be there for my procedure (I am having minor surgery soon), and how he's wondering what is going on in my life etc... And yeah my initial reaction was..wow..he does miss me. But I reread his email over and over and no where did he say want to be with just me. So no matter how much he loves me...it is still not enough to make me his number one. And that's just not good enough...emotions aside.

Edited 5/21/2007 11:00 am ET by minismall

Edited 5/21/2007 11:09 am ET by minismall

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Edited 5/21/2007 11:15 am ET by minismall