What to do?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
What to do?!
6
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 7:43pm

My boyfriend and I were together for 2 yrs. 6 months ago, someone in his family passed away and he was extremely torn up about it and obviously still is.He ended up breaking up with me a month after it happened and told me it was because he just couldn't be in a relationship during this time in his life. But would still talk to me, ask me to stay over, kiss me,etc. I love him so so much and wanted to be there for him while he was grieving so I begged him to take me back for a few months after that but I always got the same answer. Recently (after 5 months of this) I got really fed up with getting strung along so I told him that if he doesn't want to be with me than I'm done and to "have a nice life". He seemed upset about it and kept saying "i never said..." (but i was upset and wouldnt let him speak). About a week later he texted me saying he didnt want an ultimatum and that he just needed more time and can't be in a relationship with anyone right now. I sort of blew him off and told him I didnt want to hear it. But I need an outsiders opinion. I love him so much...this was the guy I was going to marry. We had talked about it before. I had so many hopes and dreams for my life with him and I would wait forever if I knew it would work out. And the circumstances of the breakup are such that I don't think I should give up so easily. HELP! What is this all about??




Edited 12/23/2006 6:57 pm ET by ekimevoli
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: ekimevoli
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 11:55am

That's the problem with ulitmatums (ultimata? anyway...) the person issuing it usually not hardlined enough to see it through because they neither want to hurt or be hurt by, the one they love.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ekimevoli
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 1:24pm

ekimevoli...

A male point of view from Pianoguy:

To most men...FEMALE ULTIMATUMS are akin to our mom's scolding us because we didn't pick up our room or toss our dirty underwear in the clothes hamper! In other words...it's a "either behave this way or I'll punish you" edict!

Since most adult males have 'escaped' from this sort of environment when they reached legal age (or earlier) to LIVE ALONE AND MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS...any ULTIMATUM from a g/f, spouse or S.O. is gonna create "instant hostility!"

That's where you blew it!

Your b/f was still in 'grief mode' over the family member who passed away...while at the same time...you demanded a commitment! MAJOR MISTAKE! Because if a man sees this sort of a behavior from a lady (he may or may not like) prior to marriage...he certainly isn't going to set himself for more of the same!

It's just a suggestion, but you might want to ask him if the two of you can rekindle your relationship?

DON'T BRING UP THE SUBJECT OF MARRIAGE. At least until things are completely 'smoothed over' between you!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: ekimevoli
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 5:46pm

You are seeing first hand how he handles grief and trauma. Instead of going to grief counseling, continuing the relationship with you to weather what he was feeling, he decided 'I can't be in a relationship with you right now'....but I'll talk to you and use your shoulder, I ask you to stay over for sex (physical comfort). All this for him to feel good about himself, which when you are in grief that IS all you care about.

However, it's been extremely UNFAIR to you. He's not sought professional help. He's using you for his personal comfort BUT without giving anything to you nor considering your needs or your emotions.

So, if you were married and 2, 5, 10 yrs from now, would he say 'sorry, I can't be married to you right now?'

Follow through and do what's right for you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
In reply to: ekimevoli
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 7:19pm

You have to do what you have to do for you whether it fits with his plans or not.


Grief is a part of life...it happens...do you break up your whole life because you are grieving?

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
In reply to: ekimevoli
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 2:27pm

IMHO, ultimatums are the worst thing anyone can do.

I can understand why he would believe he can't be in a relationship right now, and we as women tend think that means there is something wrong with us, when there isn't.

If you truly love this man, and you want a future with him, I would just give him his space and when you feel you are ready, call him, but as more of a friendly call. Then make a decision to either try and stick it out with him or to move on with you life without him. If you talk to him again, I would probably apologize for the way you acted.

Don't wait on him by any means, but be a friend to him, and see where it takes you.

Or if you truly feel like you're tired of living like that, and you just don't want to go forward in any way with him, then don't do anything.

My ex didn't want to be in a relationship and broke up with me 8 months ago. His reasons were such that we're young, he didn't know what he wanted out of his life, etc.. We now talk regularly, and have agreed to be friends, hang out (only as friends), and see where it takes us. I take things day by day, I don't talk about the relationship, and I'm optimistic for a future with him. I'm a believer in self-fulfilling prophecies.

I understand how you would just get fed up, I've felt that way too. But it passes, and once that feeling passes, I'm glad that I didn't just walk away, that I stuck it out. And when I find myself in one of those moods, I just don't answer his phone calls, or if I answer and he wants to do something, I tell him that I can't, because I know if I see him when I'm in my "run-away" mode, I'll end up saying something I'll regret.

~Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
In reply to: ekimevoli
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 2:57pm

in my opinion, if this guy really loved you, then him experiencing this situation should help connect him to you being that you would be the one that would be there to hold his hand thru it...and the fact that he is willing to tell you that he can't take the relationship, yet he still has a "semi" relationship w/you, is pretty contradictory...ever heard of friends w/benefits? if you are wanting marriage etc. w/this guy and he's not even wanting a true relationship, then you are not on the same page & there are going to be problems....i say move on w/your life & start dating again...let him date his grief or his other issues if he wants to, that is his choice...but it doesn't have to be yours...

also - ask yourself how you would feel if you guys were married and this occurred? do you think he would feel differently & not respond in the same type of way towards you? my bet would be that he would act in the same manner, only difference is you would be married...be smart & take the warning that you have been given & act accordingly...good luck!