What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
What to do?
5
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 9:17pm

My wife's ex has been nothing but a total annoyance in our lives since I married her. For some reason he still rents space in her head and she has concerns about him going for custody. He was the type of man that constantly cheated and lied to her not to mention he was physically, and emotionally abusive. He had several meaning at least 10 affairs during a 15 year marriage to her , not to mention she married him even knowing he cheated BEFORE the marriage. She still has documented proof of all of this.

They were divorced in 2003 I married her in 2005. For some reason she still is in fear of what he may or may not do. IE going for the kids. We have a stable home here, the kids want for nothing. He does pay her a decent amount of child support monthly and even alimony because of his infidelities. I am somewhat perplexed about why she still fears him or what he may or may not try to do.

In 2005 he married a woman from another country. They have never lived together, now recently he told my wife he was not cheating and was seeing another woman and was getting a divorce.He also told her he still cared about her and has several times since I have been with her. He even tried to have sex with her after her divorce before I met her. She has told me alot / WHY? Hello 2 divorces in less than 3 years? That very weekend he dumped all of this on his kids, and promptly introduced them to another bimbo. They have even stayed in this womans home as he slept with her! HELLO....

I think my wife is losing her mind...Not a day goes by she does not complain or mention him. It has always been this way. Worried about his little schemes because now the kids are saying they would like to live with him and her I imagine. Actually for various selfish reasons, these kids go whichever the way the wind blows here as long as they get what they want. Another wonderful woman in his path of destruction.

I at this point am concerned, and beginning to really think.Really think about this marriage. I am married to a pycho? A day or a week cannot go by without hearing his name. Or some problem with him or about him. I have constantly supported her feelings and feel I have been a good listener. I do love her very much but at this point I am getting upset. I am sick and tired of hearing about him. I have even stood up to him and told him exactly what I think about him and she freaks out. I have done this since we have been together.She tells me I should have not done so. Why? Afraid of losing her child support? ?

I am divorced,disabled and on a limited income. She married me knowing all of this. She told me all she wanted was support and love. I have given all of myself to her. Put her before me and her kids. No longer! / I have 3 children of my own and never mention my ex as much as goes on in this house. I have handled my divorce and handle dealing with my ex. And the kids issues.

I am beginning to think she still cares for him. Even though she says no. She also mentions alot he broke up the home. Yes he did . Move on . I am her husband now and getting sick of hearing about him, what he does and what she thinks he is going to pull next. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I think not!I was totally upfront with her concerning anything in my life. Money , kids, my past etc. I also have discussed this with my personal therapist . I love her very much but all of this is pushing me away. I do not want to feel this way. Whenever I try to talk to her she says it is not the right time. She also says i over-react. i do not think so. i have put up with alot here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: nascarnutt
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 11:01pm

Hey, I'm sorry for what you've been going through.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: nascarnutt
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 9:10am

I agree that she needs counseling to deal with the past, the baggage, her fears, to vent about the ex to let it go, to hear from a 3rd party that she's allowing her ex to rule her life still. Or maybe she likes the drama of being tied to him and likes that her fears rule her life.

Your feelings are valid. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
In reply to: nascarnutt
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 10:20am
I knew going into this marriage that it would be a challenge especially blending 2 families. What I was not prepared for was dealing with the most self-centered unreasonable man I have ever met. I can see why she divorced him.
Communication is very important and I do not mind listening to her . I realize she needs to get things off her chest so to say. At this point it is all starting to wear on me. All of this has been a constant strain on our marriage.
Healing takes time I understand that some people bounce back quicker than others. She had 15 years at the hands of this guy. I know her self esteem has suffered it is very obvious . I have mentioned therapy to her but she says he really has no time for it.I go and it is a tremendous help to me.
I also feel it is up to me to extend my hand to her and give her a shoulder to lean on. I am her husband now and love her very deeply. I know I can't fix her, she needs to heal on her own. And I do the little things that I feel matter to a woman. The very first time I went around our car and opened her door for her she was amazed. She asked why did you do that? Hello because I love you I told her.. LOL. Little things like that I do daily . I tell her daily I love her. My hope is in due time she will get through all of this. When she does I know we will have a long lasting marriage.
Our marriage is good , but it can be much better. I know she loves me very much it is just so hard to see someone suffer. And it is especially hard on me knowing I can't fix it. All I can do is be a good husband and continue to do the things I do for her and with her. This guy did a real number on her. I know she loves me I should not have put that in my original post about him.
At times when things happen it makes a person wonder. And I am frustrated. For the life of me I cannot comprehend how anyone can do that to another person. Especially the spouse you supposedly love. Thank you for your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: nascarnutt
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 11:01am

You sound like a man of very strong character and high integrity, two things I value highly in a person.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
In reply to: nascarnutt
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 1:03pm
Thanks again I will check that book out.