What to do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
What to do...
26
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 3:54pm
I need to end a go nowhere relationship, and I really don't know what I'll do without him. The thought of not having him in my life makes me a little sick, but intellectually, I know it's the only thing I can do. I want a real relationship and a firm committment, he is happy with things the way they are. Yes, breaking up is hard to do, but is there anything to do to ease the pain until time does it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 3:59pm

blackhillsgold...

Pianoguy's suggestion:

DON'T THINK ABOUT THE PAIN FROM THE BREAK-UP....FOCUS ON THE "BETTER MAN" WHO WILL COME INTO YOUR LIFE INSTEAD!

Every break-up involves a certain amount of emotional pain, but if everything was perfect, you wouldn't be going through the process? Am I right?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 9:54am

As usual, you're right on target, PG! Sometimes it just seems so hopeless and I feel so helpless in breaking away, I just shut down and give up. It's affecting my children, my work, all other aspects of my life, and it can't go on this way.

I need to laugh with someone who thinks I am terrific just the way I am...not live with the insecurity of never being enough...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 12:01pm

blackhillsgold,
I know how you feel and understand the pain you're going through. Piano guy is right and he's helped me to understand what needs to happen in order to move on. Focus on the better things in life; the future. Imagine being with someone who truly loves you on all levels and will never for once question your dreams, thoughts and just ACCEPT you and your love. That person is out there.

Yes, it's tough to break up with someone and there is no way to go around the pain. When there is love, there is pain. You can't have one without the other.

I am going to break my husbands heart tonight - have the talk. I am finally ready to tell him my final decision after thinking about it for a week (i moved out with a friend). The best way to do this is to talk to your friends. Ask if you can stay with them to get some "space" from your husband/boyfriend. I am both surprised and impressed with the level of support I've received from this board, my friends and family... they too are able to see the pain that I've endured and only wish well for me. In that turn, I wish well for you too!

Give it time. You don't have to do it right away. It took me 2 months to do it.. everyone has their own timeline :)

HUGS!!! Keep us posted on how you're feeling.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 4:29pm

I'm glad to hear that you've made up your mind to end this...I remember seeing your posts on another board or two and I know this relationship has caused you a lot of pain.

Unfortunately, no, there's really nothing that eases the pain except the passage of time (assuming you're not having any contact with him). My mantra when I go through breakups is, "the only way out is through".

You will still need to experience and pass through the pain, but focusing on other, positive aspects of your life, and setting up as many distractions as possible (plans with friends and family, a trip, things like that) can help.

Do you have a specific day picked out to end it, or how are you planning to handle that?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 8:16pm
About a year ago, we split up for a few months, and I got into those online dating sites. Purely conversation, lots of flattery, a few possibles, but I knew I wasn't ready for the kind of relationship they were looking for. I might try that again...was fun, ego boosting,took my mind off HIM. When HE, wonderful HE, found out what I was doing...boy, did I acquire some amazing qualities, and he came running right back. It seems he doesn't really want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. So here we are a year later, back in the same leaky boat. I have also finished school, got my certificate in Medical Transcription...may start applying for work OUT OF STATE. I worry about uprooting my kids (they're only 11 and 8)but I think (I hope!) kids are adaptable and flexible.
Besides, it can't be much fun for them to have a down-in-the-dumps Mom, can it? As for the actual date of this momentus occasion, nothing firm yet...I need to mentally disengage a little first. My theory is, when you can imagine that certain person with someone else, and not feel like crumbling...you're ready to go.
Comments? Questions? Advice? Moral support? I'll take it all!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 9:08pm

What works for me in times of pain -

1) A nice bourbon, Woodford Reserve, one rock. Have two, they're small.

2) A nice martini, Tanqueray Gin, dry, up, with olives. Have two, they're small.

You know, you have to do what's right for you and your kids. You get one shot in this world, unless you believe in reincarnation and you come back as a pea plant (that'd blow). When you move, I do suggest this - get involved in some things in your new town - volunteer, church/synagogue/mosque/backyard shed, get a dog and go to the dog park, take a cooking class - circulate. When your kids are in school, you'll meet people. It's so common for folks to hit the market again after they have kids. And you never know where you'll meet someone....could be at work, at the gym, in the restroom (or not), anywhere.

Don't be afraid to cirucluate. Can't meet anyone new at your house...

David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
The Guy's Guide to Getting a Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 10:05pm
Since they're small, have THREE!!! I also might check out your site...BeBetterGuys...there are such things, huh....
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 11:48pm

Hmmm...I've never gotten that far before breaking up with someone I loved but who wasn't right for me. For me, it has boiled down to being in pain way more often than I was happy, and finally getting to the point where I was tired of banging my head against the wall, and ending it. But it took a LONG time after those breakups to get to the point of imagining my ex with someone else and being ok with it (that to me is part of the recovery from grieving process, in fact), so I'm not sure that theory would work for me.

But you need to do what works for you...and if that's getting to that point, then so be it. I hope it comes sooner rather than later.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 4:40pm

Oh, it's a process...I have to focus first on what I have that have nothing to do with him, the fact that he is taking up space in my head without permission, and things to do to fill the void when he's gone. It's a mental disengagement...think about him less and less, and if I do, I snap my wrist with a rubber band. Have to harden your heart (who wrote those lyrics, Pianoguy?) but it doesn't happen overnight.

Hope you'll help me through the process...I hope it's sooner than later, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 4:59pm
...please don't tell me you just mentioned that song by Quarterflash? Now it's in my head ;)

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