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| Wed, 03-15-2006 - 6:20am |
hey ya'all
whats so hard is i know what i should do, which is leave this relationship but i dont want to. i feel that its not time.(i broke up with him, but we talked so i guess we are just on a break or what married couples called seperation)it hurts really bad, im okay sometimes, then five minutes later i just want to cry. i havent had enough of us, but without him im more productive, but honestly all i really want to do is sleep next to him. he kinda did something wrong. and i dont think we will be able to fix it, ive thought of everything possible and i just dont know. he asked me to give him time, but what makes me mad is im the one that needs time, im the one that was wronged and yet he acts as if he deserves time to think. why are they soo selfish. he doesnt seem to be concerned about me at all. i cant stand the thought of him not in my future, but i dont feel as if he is making a positive affect to my life. all i do is think about him, and yet hes God knows where, doing whatever hes doing. i know he doesnt deserve me, i know thats kinda harsh, but he honestly doesnt. but i still want him. and we agreed that within a week or so we would talk, i just dont know what i should do. im stuck,i really love him, and i care for him, i just feel that he doesnt think about me when he makes his decisions. this is my first time im in love, and honestly, i never want to be in this position again. the first day i broke up with him, i was content, i knew it was right, but starting the third day, my emotions kicked in and i thought that i had rushed out of the relationship. i know what i have to do, but it hurts too much, i just dont want to regret. and honestly i think that might be the root of everything we do, that we might not have a second chance. and the thought of him with someone else.... thats what tops it off for me. sometimes im angry, other times im depressed but rite now im just numb..... im all over the place as you can tell, i guess im just in denial or something. its been a week now since we sepearted... and honestly its been the worst week of my life...
what i guess i need out of this bulliten is just advice, from others experiences, and just thoughts. thanks

Whatever he did wrong, it was probably a result of what he's feeling right now, which is that he needs some time away to think. I know how you feel in that YOU should be the one taking time to think, that this split should have been on your terms and he should be waiting at home for you to decide whether you want to forgive him or not. But that's not the way it went down. However, that doesn't mean you can't still take this time to decide if this relationship is really what you want.
A lot of the reasons you gave for not wanting it to end sound like you're just having trouble adjusting to the change. Worrying about him dating someone else, wondering if you're going to regret it, feeling like you moved too fast. I think you're feeling that this happened so suddenly, your mind didn't really have time to grasp it. If it had been a slow, downward spiral, it would have been a lot easier to take. But that doesn't mean you aren't going to recover...it's just going to take time. You need to quit worrying about what he's doing and thinking and do some serious introspection. Figure out what YOU want. It sounds to me like you're feeling that whatever he's done is not something you can ever forgive. If you take him back, it will probably be out of this desperate need to just have him in your life. But things will never be right between you because, as you yourself said, he did something wrong that you don't think you will be able to fix.
What you are going through is VERY normal. You're grieving the loss of him and it's going to take time. You'll have good days and bad days but you have to push through it. It's the only way to get to the other side. If you keep clinging to him, you're never going to heal and move on with your life. I'm sure everyone on this board remembers the loss of their first love -- it hurts like crazy. It's the first real hurt you ever really have and you think you're never going to recover. But you do and you go on to love again, maybe even deeper. This experience will make you stronger, especially if you can hold your ground and not give in to going back to him. In the end, it's going to make you a stronger person to know that you can walk away from a relationship that has gone bad.
Steph
I agree with Steph-getting through this will make you a stronger person. I am in a similar situation. I didn't doing the breaking up, but we still broke up under similar terms. He told me he still wants to be friends and we just need some time to ourselves to 'figure' things out. It's hard because I'm not really angry and I still miss him. I tried to not have any contact with him, but we have mutual friends and although I tried to avoid it I still ran into him over the weekend. He acted like nothing was different between us. That was hard because things are different-we broke up. When I told him that I needed a little space to get used to being just friends he acted like he didn't understand. That's very selfish on his part.
Well, I broke down and called him last night. I had something to tell him-not related to us. He wants to be friends right? And what I had to tell him was something related to a mutual hobby of ours. Anyway, he was at a party and I could hear girls in the background and all that. Well, we're broken up so it's normal for him to go out. Even when we were together I didn't care about that, but it was still weird for me.
So I guess the moral to my story is this: it is always better to put space between you after a break up. I don't know why these guys can act like they move on so fast, but we don't always work that way. So don't feel bad about needing some time. It will make things better. Even if things don't work out for you, space will at least speed up the healing process. Don't let him make you feel bad for paying attention to yourself and not him. You have to set yourself straight before you can be with anyone.
It's always hard with the first love. You question if you will ever find something like this again, but don't worry-you will. People always go through ups and downs before they find the right one. It's part of the process. Just don't let this make you afraid to let yourself love again. Right now you're hurting and you're right to not want to get into it again-at this time. But don't shut your heart up forever. Give yourself time to heal and move on. I am a firm believer in moving on. If you close yourself up you'll have a harder time finding the right one. Life is too short to live by the past and no guy that hurts you is worth you being so closed off that you don't give love a chance again.
This guy might not have been the right one for you...it's better to find out sooner than later.
I know this probably doesn't help, but just hang in there. It will get better.
=)
Why do men move on faster? I think men are trained not to be in touch with their emotions. HOWEVER, I notice that men tend to just relive the same relationship over and over throughout their lives. They don't take time to heal from the last one before jumping into the next. They are also less likely to look into the reason their relationships are failing and their own part in it, therefore they don't modify their behavior at all. I guess eventually they just find a woman willing to put up with it.
As for "staying friends," that seems to be a huge thing on these boards. When I was reading "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken," I wondered why he kept emphasizing it and now I know. He said that in the surveys he did of people's post-breakup-recovery regrets, most of them said they wish they'd never tried to remain friends with their exes. It caused them to hold on far longer than they would have and in the end, how often do you end up being friends anyway? Usually you just end up being known as his psycho ex who kept calling after the breakup. The bottom line is, you aren't going to just gradually drift from being in love with them to only thinking of them as a friend. You're going to have to have a period of NC where you heal and move on with your life and THEN if you want to try friendship, it might work. Chances are by then you won't because this need you feel right now to have them in your lives no matter what is just a security thing. Whatever the case, you can't go from being in a relationship to being friends with just a few minor adjustments. It doesn't work that way.
And I completely agree with what you said about NOT being closed off. I know someone that spent four years mourning a girl he dated six months. He did that because he CHOSE to dwell. When he finally stopped being a moron, he met someone and, what do you know? He's forgetting about what's-her-name. There's no way it should have taken four years. Take charge of your brain and make it heal!!!
Steph
thanks you guys,
its so hard even now, with everything i know, but when your face to face with them, and emotions are everywhere, its really hard. im not sure whether to be nice and let him know how i feel or be nice and hold back, so he wont hurt me. they always seem to have an answer to everything, a way to make it better.
and with the point about being friends, that had come up before as well, i think your right about not being friends and staying away, that it is the best way to recover fully, rather than switching over so quickly. i find that impossible to do, to treat him like i do my other guy friends when he knows my thoughts and knows my weaknesses and strenghts.
i can honestly say that after reading these bullitins and your responses, that its a easier for me to let go of him, knowing that its for the best. although seeing him and telling him will be a different story. i still dont know how i will react to seeing him agian. i have a few of his belongings and ive debated on whether to just drop them off my his door and leave, or if i really want to meet him and get the clouser we both need. but my main fear with meeting him is that i will give in, and forget about all my decisions i have made to better myself.
thanks again for helping...
-charlie