What to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
What to do
11
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 9:57am

I feel that my issues relates to many of the boards, but I thought that writing it out here would be a good start.  My boyfriend, now ex, just broke up with me again last week.  We've been together for 4 years and on and off the last two years.  

In short, we met, things went well; then he started telling me that I was not speaking up enough and that I held back.  I felt that I spoke my mind.  After this began a long strong of him cheating and saying that he did it because he could not control himself in those situations.  He likes provocative women and clearly I was too wholesome (his words) for him.  

I stayed because I loved him but also that after each time he cheated, he always came back and said that he loved me, that he wanted to make things better.  Now, looking back I feel that I lost myself in an unhealthy relationship that was not loving but manipulative.  We were not in an open relationship and I found out about the cheating because his phone would be off at night or the next morning or he did not come home when we lived together.  I just kept thinking that things would get better and that we could work on our problems.  He proposed last year and I said no that I wanted to think about it because a few months before the proposal I found condoms in his pocket.  So for me while it was nice that he proposed I did not believe that his cheating was done.  We worked past that issue and stayed together.  I believed that he was trying to improve and he was still open to being with me after I declined his proposal.  

A year later around my birthday I put his phone on the charger and saw a message that he was on plenty of fish.  A week later I was looking at an ipod he gave me (one of his old ones) and discovered porn movies he made with other women in the bed we used to share.

That was finally rock bottom for me.  I felt used, disrespected, just horrible.  What happened next is a surprise to me, he went from giving me space to wanting to work on things to saying that I was not sexually challenging him and that if I was more seductive that he would not work late and would be more eager to see me on time.  He's always late.  

So my question to this board is if anyone has experienced something similar where their man cheated and said that it happened because they were not satisfied at home.  I'm confused because in the beginning he said that he could not control himself, he thought he was a sex addict.  And now I feel that he's flipping the script by saying that I did not sexually satisfy him.  I understand that some jabs have truth behind it.  But for me I would have been so much more open to his wants if he said it before he cheated.

Now I don't see why he's not considering my feelings since I saw his home made porn movies on his ipad with other women and its like he wants me to sexually stimulate him while I feel more betrayed than ever.  I feel that I am to blame because I let it last this long.  My feelings changed each time he cheated and pushed me further away from being a better person in the relationship.

Overall, I feel like a loser who is too wholesome as he says and wonder if I will have the same problem with another guy or if I am so down on myself after being in a horrible situation for too long that severly affected my confidence and self esteem.

Help, opinions appreciated.  

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: sbscp
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 10:24am

This guy is a total a$$.  This is not your fault for being "too wholesome."  It's just another excuse.  First he's a sex addict, then it's your fault and then he'll come up with some other lame excuse.  The only thing that is your fault is that you keep taking this lying idiot back.  He will never change.  You could turn into a porn star at home and yet he'd probably still cheat--because then he would find some other excuse.  I'm sure it will not be a problem with other men , if you find a decent man.  Unless you are very prudish and refuse to have sex, men don't expect their GFs or wives to be sex machines.  They want a relationship.  I think you are right that he did a number on your self esteem.  Where was he taking responsibility for his bad behavior?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
In reply to: sbscp
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 11:46am
Thanks for the reply! Its good to hear some reassurance that I should not feel like crap based on what he wants sexually. I feel that I owe it to myself and my emotional well being to not call him and let him find what he wants in someone else. I don't think I was prudish when it came to sex. I enjoy sex. In the beginning he told me as we were doing it that its quality not quantity and he didn't like kissing that much. Basically warning signs that I am now realizing that I ignored. I think he wanted me to show him I was horny for him more often than I did. But with his late nights and the cheating and him telling me all this stuff he did not like about me, it kind of took the romance and intense sexual drive for him away since I felt like everyone else could have him too. I kind of felt like nothing I did would sustain him. So like you said even if I did become a porn star and be more risky, it would not be enough. He felt that I made too many excuses to be wild with him. He said he wants it all and is sick of settling. He said that I am wifey material, but I am not receptive to his sexual desires. I told him that me seeing his porns naturally made me not feel that great towards him sexually, etc. and he still held his ground. He did not feel bad for cheating or making the videos. He said that he had sex for pleasure. He was sorry he hurt me, but not sorry for living his life and enjoying himself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
In reply to: remdamma
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 3:42pm

The common thread here is that its never his fault. He's a sex addict, you're too this or not enough that. What a selfish piece of work he is. He's not considering your feelings because he doesn't really care about them, he really only cares about himself, which he even admits. He did just enough to keep you on the hook...did you happen to cook and clean for him? He has eroded your self confidence by blaming you for his bad behavior, but actually it has nothing to do with you or your performance in bed, or anywhere else. If you get back together with him it will be more of the same heartache.

Lots of guys want a monogamous relationship with a woman who is "wifey material" but you do have to pick one of those, instead of one like your ex. I'll bet that in your next relationship you will be paying more attention to the warning signs.

As for "what to do" I suggest decide to be done with him forever and block him on your phone, email, and any social media so you're not tempted to go back to him, and go the other way if you see him on the street. Get tested for STDs now and in 6 months. Seek moral support from family, friends, or on these boards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
In reply to: sbscp
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 11:13pm

Thank you for the reply. I was feeling really down, but seeing everyone's posts have made me feel much better and confirmed what I already knew, but didn't act on which was to stay far away from him. Yes, I cooked and cleaned for him. I just had my well women exam today and have been tested tons of times in the past because of his behavior.

I definitely know the warning signs now and am not afraid to cut it off if something does not feel right when I start dating again.

Since he and I have not talked, I feel better; its really nice not hearing him berate me. These boards are a true lifesaver to me. Its a wonderful way to get honest feedback and insight from others. Thank you! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: sbscp
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 11:51pm

As noted in another post, this guy, aside from being a total waste of your time, is a sociopath.  He doesn't give a damn about you, beyond the fact that he can do whatever he wants, and you'll believe everything he says, and you're there when there's no one else available, or you're giving him financial support (i.e.: paying half the rent, utilities, etc........hopefully not ALL of it)  He doesn't care about your feelings.  He blames his disgusting behavior on you!  They are always the abused party.  If only you'd been more sexy, or more assertive, or less assertive.  There is always some problem that YOU cause, that makes him go out and find other women.  He makes YOU feel like a loser, because after all, he's perfect, and wouldn't have a problem if only you.......(fill in the blank for today's excuse).  Yes, he has destroyed your self confidence and self esteem......that's how they keep you around.....you feel you don't deserve better.  He just broke up with you last week?   GOOD!  Do not let him back into your life.  He WILL be back, you know that......but when he shows his ugly face, tell him to get lost.  If you have things of his in your home, bag them up, and when he shows up, hand them to him.  He will promise you the moon.....and you tell him to tell that to some other unfortunate woman.  I'm sorry it took you so long to figure it out.  It will take you a while to rebuild your self confidence, and don't start looking for another man until you do...........because you'll end up with another loser.  Good Luck to you......be strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
In reply to: sbscp
Wed, 03-19-2014 - 8:27pm

Thank you for the reply! Its so strange that you say they are always the abused party because he would tell me that I acted like the victim. I guess he was projecting his fears on me? We have not lived together in about a year and a half.

I used to live with him and that ended because he said I nagged him too much because he would always come home late (around 10p or 4a if he went out) and I would get upset because he would go to his friends house, etc. instead of seeing me. He also said that he fell out of love with me.

Writing this down is more eye opening that ever. I had many opportunities to tell him to go away for good and I kept going back to the chaos. I do feel that this time is different for me mostly by how I am choosing not to respond to certain situations.

You're right, he has called. Its a cycle with him. He's saying that he was immature by his actions and should have told me about what he wanted in a woman before his indiscretions. He also said that in his honest opinion, I never was that seductive (if at all) and I was not assay enough for him and that is what he needs in a woman.

So I just need to take my wholesome, not so sassy to him, cooking, cleaning, working and traveling self out of the picture. :) I feel like I have allowed my life to be kind of related to some Tyler Perry movie or a Being Mary Jane drama. I'm ready move on and focus on getting back to my normal self who is a little more aware.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: fissatore
Wed, 03-19-2014 - 11:50pm

He told you that you always acted like a victim?  That's reverse psychology.  He points out a fault in you, and that makes HIS behavior ok.....if you hadn't acted like a victim, then he wouldn't have stayed out late.  Get it?  No matter what, you are the problem, never him. All of this happened because you weren't "seductive" enough!  He's full of it, and it must be wonderful to be so perfect, don't you think?   I'm glad you got it "together" now, and you don't have to "stand up to him"........you just have to get rid of him.  I have news for you, if a man truly cares for you, you will BE seductive.....without even trying!  Seductive, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.  Find a good man, and you'll understand the difference......it wasn't you....it was him, and good riddance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
In reply to: sbscp
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 10:56am

I didn't think of it as being reverse psychology, but you're right. It just seemed so far fetched to me to call someone a victim. He would say that he wanted to empower women and I just could not see how when he'd say stuff like that.

He has his moments when he can be charming and nice, but I have to do something different so that I do not make the same mistakes. I hope that he finds the one he wants but it will not be me because I feel that I would lose myself even more trying to please him or meet his seductive needs. I had to write down everything he said that I wasn't kind of as a reminder of what I don't want to go back to. He said that I was easily discouraged, conditional, not intellectually challenging. But then he'd say that I have the capacity to be what he wants but I don't take criticism well and I have other good qualities but that he still needs x,y and z… It just made me feel that I will always have to prove myself or defend my opinion and it made me question everything so I have lot of work to do on myself to get back to normal.

It will definitely be nice to meet a good guy who appreciates me and thinks I'm great consistently. :) Thank you again for your feedback!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 11:26am

Just think about this--if you have so many bad faults, why does he even want to be with you?  If I found a guy who I thought was not that smart, not sexy enough, etc., then I'd just break up with him and say sorry, this is not working out for me, good luck in the future, hope you find someone else, etc.  He's saying these things so you'll feel bad about yourself and then feel so lucky to have Mr. Wonderful who is going to help you overcome all your problems, while meanwhile cheating on you left & right.  don't fall for it any more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
In reply to: sbscp
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 3:57pm
I just need to remind myself of that often. I always get caught up with the good things that he says, but then he throws in an insult but I see the good. Its only more recently that I can't ignore the bad stuff he said. A part of me wants to make sure that he's ok, but I'm sure he is fine and me reaching out will not help me at all. I need to stick with not calling him and the rest will start to fade away over time.

Pages