what to do about the butterflies

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
what to do about the butterflies
10
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 7:03pm
So, I have evidently decided this is going to be quite an exciting year for me - I got cancer, broke off my 2 year relationship with my immature/irresponsible ex as a result of his response to the cancer, bought my first house, and now I'm taking a new job. I'm feeling nostalgic/emotional, because I'm leaving the first job I had as a lawyer, and leaving it 2 years to the day from my first day. The ex and I graduated together and started our careers together. Because of that, and because I've found a bunch of his stuff while cleaning out my office, I have arranged to talk with him tonight. I texted him to ask if it was okay if I call, he said "definitely." So, why do I have crazy butterflies? Why am I so nervous about talking to him? What is the antidote to butterflies, anyway, I know he's not worth the effort and anxiety of my being giddy/nervous/upset. Honestly, is there a public speaking-type trick that calms you down before speaking with them, what can I do to have a cool, calm, controlled, and very brief chat about his possessions and my newsletter update on my career change? I don't want to fight with him, I don't want to get emotional about anything, and mostly I do not want to get hurt again. I've been out of contact a few weeks, after a disastrous attempt at "friendship," I do want a brief contact to discuss his law books and to have a positive moment (for my peace of mind, not his), I just want to be in control and not so jittery. Advice/tips from people who have been in contact?
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anonymous user
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 7:59pm
Hi,

Well, I'm not too sure, and I'm definitly not the expert (lol), but I think it may help to actually visualize the convo going well....ya know? If you're positive about it, then I think it'd really help. Just keep telling yourself it's no big deal, and keep it as short as possible. just my two cents!

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 8:00pm
I've been in that situation before. I know what you mean about the butterflies. I don't know of any tricks, but what I did was just act very cool, confident and happy. Don't get into any relationship discussion. If he tries to talk relationship, dodge the subject tactifully. Just keep it a happy, "business-like" tone. It will leave him with a positive impression of you and you will feel so good about yourself after the meeting is over. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:01pm
Keep your tone even, and with no discussion of the relationship, you should be fine.

There's nothing to fear, other than the ideas you place in your mind. You're a strong cookie!;-) You will be just fine.

Keep us posted!!!

-Izuri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:43pm
Different things work for different people....but just take a deep breath, rehearsh what you want to say....maybe even right it down and keep it by the phone when you call. Tell him what you need to say and end the conversation.....keep it brief and try and stay calm. Good luck and let us know how it goes!! Oh and congrats on the new job!!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:43pm
Bring a friend with you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 11:34pm
We talked, by phone, for about an hour. My job, life, anything/everything. He was fishing to spend time together, he's "looking to fill" Sunday afternoons. I'm not biting. At least he's smart enough to have learned that Friday/Saturday nights aren't "friendly" outings. I'm not doing friendship. He's heavy on the nostalgia and mixed messages, one minute talking about how he hadn't liked the zoo but had loved being with me there, then telling me he'd never want to live where I live. I'm off the rollercoaster, it's nice to have a pleasant chat, I guess, but I'm not a masochist, I'm not doing friendship again. But I'm okay, no hopes up, no feelings hurt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 9:18am
Are you sure you are not a masochist?.

Of course you want friendship and you also want something more with that man. Who are you fooling?. I am sorry to look harsh but the truth is that you do not listen to anybody's advise. You called him!!!, you asked him to pick up his things!!!. If you don't really want anything to do with a man who has hurt you many times then you wouldn't text message him, calling him, emailing him, etc. You would run away as soon as possible. Send his stuff by post.

You are using this as an excuse to start all over again the same game. You want to give him a chance even though you know that he is not going to change. Deep inside you still think that your relationship can work out in some way, maybe a miracle, maybe God will make him realise that you are the woman of his dreams. No, Milton. Reality is hard, life is suffering and much of that suffering is self-inflicted, unecessary suffering.

I couldn't resist the no contact with my ex, I invented an excuse to email him. We talked, he was friendly but at the end he told me again that it is over. IT IS OVER.

I was devastated once again, twice. So I learnt that when a relatioship does not work there is no way to make it work, no matter how many times you try. I did learn the lesson. Have you learnt the lesson, Milton?. It has already happened to you more than twice and there you go again. At the end we all learn from our experiences, some women need one punch, others two and others many many punchs but eventually all move on.

Iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 11:01am
Hey, not to be rude, but you don't know me. I'm leaving my job, cleaning out the detritus of my old life, and I got closure from this call. We graduated together, started our careers together, and I do associate the ending of this phase of my life with him. But if you'll read my post, you'll notice that he's an a--hole. He wants to "fill time" with me? He has generously offered to cut me in for a little piece of his Sunday afternoon? Please. I've got a life, and I'm not interested. As for the wisdom of contact, a few weeks ago, we had a blowout fight where I realized, once and for all, that he's a turd. His life's motto is quid pro quo, and he can be charming and wonderful giving when he knows there's something in it for him. Strip him of the expectation of benefit, though, and I've seen the real him, the side of him that was rude to waiters, made cruel comments about strangers, whatever - if there's nothing he can get from me, he's just being himself, and the "real" him is a real a--hole. Exploring that, spending some time up-close and personal with his jerk self, is actually a tremendous relief to me. I read a book when I was thinking about leaving my ex-husband called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. One of the thought-provoking questions in there dealt with people who said they were in love with someone, but deep down, they didn't really like the person in many respects, didn't share the same values, didn't think the other person was basically a kind, decent person. Seeing my ex without him trying to charm me into bed, without him being nice to me because he was getting love in return, it's like a revelation - I don't like him as a person. He's a jerk. Talking with him like this has actually done me a world of good, I can't tell you how many times I was struck by thinking "I wanted to spend my life with THAT?" during our conversation. Not all contact = expectation of reunion. It's been 5 months - this contact is about understanding and acceptance and taking a cold, hard look at what I spent years idealizing. He offered me a "relationship," of sorts, he persisted in trying to arrange a get-together, he kept extending the conversation when I wanted to end it, but I'm not biting. I am done, but for me, I needed to sweep it away. Many on this board have found that contact helps you realize that so much of what you're hanging on to is in your own head, is fantasies and memories and unrealistic expectations, and sometimes you just have to get a dose of reality as a cure. Don't be so judgmental.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 1:59pm
Milton,

Sorry to be rude. I see a reflection of me in you and what I am really doing is shouting at myself.

You said:

He offered me a "relationship," of sorts, he persisted in trying to arrange a get-together, he kept extending the conversation when I wanted to end it, but I'm not biting. I am done, but for me, I needed to sweep it away.

Then why did you contact him?. If it is YOU who does not want a relationship with such a jerk, why are you still calling him and arranging a meeting to get together?. You already know the outcome of this story. He will be charming, he will be nice, he will ask you to be friends and maybe get together again, etc. but at the end he will run away if you even suggest to clear his position.

You are still feeling butterflies in your stomach because you still have feelings for that man, no matter what a jerk he is. There is no advice against feeling butterflies, you are asking the wrong questions here.

I think that we all try to sort out the pain of our break ups in one way or another. Every case is different, but there is something that is the same for everybody. Once we are sure about what we want or what we don't want we must stick to it, we must be honest about it. Otherwise there is no chance to move on and we will only get trapped in a vicious circle.

Good luck.

Iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 4:21pm
I can relate to where you are, and agree, you are actually over this jerk in a sense that you know that a relationship is impossible. I too recently had a blow up with the infamous ex and saw for the first time how he really can be and how ridiculous I've been for so long to hold this guy up so high. It was absolutely a blessing in disquise, yes I finally hit that point, only after I was basically kicked in the face...(figuratively speaking of course), and how uplifting.

Anyway, the thought crossed my mind that he has the ability to affect me (hurt my feelings severly) within minutes of contact and that I really needed to stay far away from him. Nobody else affects me like that, he can make me feel so good and at the same time can hurt me that much too.

Now being over it and glad that he wasn't on my mind so heavily, I get an email saying that he still wants to be friends...blah blah and i didn't respond, and he calls today to apologize for being an ass to me and begging me to still call him if I ever need anything kind of crap. I told him that I probably wouldn't but thanks for the gesture and got off the phone. I am honestly not interested in anything with him, however, I am sitting here with butterflies just because I just talked to him. And why? I still don't want to begin a friendship and I finally got it that a relationship would never work, but it's just something about him still. The point of this message milton is, some people have that crazy ability to affect us I guess, and at least we can recognize that and not act on it. I think you'll be fine meeting up with him, but you'll probably be dissappointed afterwards that something was lacking because you have grown and changed. Your not in the lime light of his attention anymore, you are looking at him objectively and can almost smile that he has no clue that the power has switched from him to you. He'll know it by the end of the night. It almosts seems a game now to you, to see him after everything you've gained and changed, just to prove and remind him you are stronger than he realizes and no, he can't have you back...ever.

make any sense? You are a smart lady, good luck with the meeting. Show him confidence and he will be eating out of your hands. He is so out of your league.

C