What to do!? Divorce? Stay Married!? =(

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2012
What to do!? Divorce? Stay Married!? =(
5
Fri, 10-19-2012 - 2:53pm

x

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 10-19-2012 - 6:23pm

Hazel1028 wrote:
<p>Ok. So I'm 26 years old and was happily married until about a year ago when my husband started getting really mean. I work in the medical field and my job requires me to travel quite a bit, I'm probably home half the month and gone the other half and every time I leave he makes these crude comments like "why don't you find a new job? Quit your job I don't want to be married to someone who is gone all the time" This job I have has required years of education and time to acquire- it's my dream job and I don't understand why he isn't supportive at all. He literally says "i never would have married you if I knew that this is what I was in for" etc. About a JOB!!! He is not supportive of me at all. Then he calls me all the time when I'm gone and will leave threatening messages when I don't answer the phone because I'm working!! At a hospital!! Like seriously? But get this- he NEVER answers his phone. NEVER. Maybe 1/50 times that I call him does he answer because all he does when I'm gone is goes out drinking with his buddies and doing who knows what else.</p><p>Another major issue we have is that he gets incredibly jealous. He has humiliated me infront of both of our families multiple times by calling me a whore and making rude comments because of the clothes I'm wearing and mind you I do NOT dress like some tramp. He'll be reffering to something as innocent as a sundress that shows like 1 mm of cleavage. I'm a woman- I have breasts!! Like get over it. He has accused me multiple times of being a lesbian- I can't even go out for drinks with my friends without him blowing up at me and a calling me a multitude of names but he goes out every single night. I am not even allowed to be close with his family- his male cousin has been a dear friend of mine for years and now if I so much as say hello to him I get accused of being in love with him.</p><p>ANYWAY- what I'm trying to get at here is that I think about leaving my marriage every single day. I think about the fact that if we weren't married I would have been out the door a year ago when this behavior started. I am just terrified of ending up alone. I'm terrified that one day I will wake up and being some old spinster. I want to file for a divorce but I'm just so scared. =(</p><p>Has anyone been through this - are these valid reasons to end my marriage? I really need help and advice and no judgement.</p>

You husband sound very, very immature.

Do you want this marriage as it is right now? Because there is no guarantee that he will ever change or seek help for his issues.  You have to deal with what is before you right now, not what you wished it would be or return back to. It is what it is right now. That's what you work with.

Were you working this job before you met and married him?  How long have you two been married?  Has he ever displayed, even in a playful sense, any jealousy towards you with regard to other men?

I personally don't think that the fear of being by yourself is greater than the destruction of your esteem by a jealous, vindictive husband.  You're only 26--and even if you were 56, I'd say the exact same thing to you: your life isn't over unless you choose to hand it over to someone else to crush. If you do that, then accept the consequences of your actions.  But at your age, dying as a spinster should be the furthest thing from your mind right now.

What should be at the forefront is that you've got a husband who wants you to be someone else that you're not capable or interested in being--and he married you the way you are, not the way he wanted you to be. If he did, then that's on him.

The way I see it, you've got two choices to hand him: either you'll call up a marital therapist to work on your issues together or you'll call up an attorney and get it over with. The choice is his from there. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 10-19-2012 - 10:22pm

Since you already have a Mr. X, it doesn't seem to make sense to stay in this marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 5:42pm

Wow your husband seems to have a real problem... I got the same kind of experience with an ex-boyfriend, he would harass me everyday and always tell how "useless" and "stupid" I was...

Insulting you in front of your family is something terribly humiliating... what's the opinion of your close family and friends about him?

What about your feelings for him? After all he's done/he's doing to you, are you still able to love him?

You shouldn't be scared to divorce him, you're only 26, you still have all your life to find another man who'll treat you the way you deserve...  


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 5:42pm

Wow your husband seems to have a real problem... I got the same kind of experience with an ex-boyfriend, he would harass me everyday and always tell how "useless" and "stupid" I was...

Insulting you in front of your family is something terribly humiliating... what's the opinion of your close family and friends about him?

What about your feelings for him? After all he's done/he's doing to you, are you still able to love him?

You shouldn't be scared to divorce him, you're only 26, you still have all your life to find another man who'll treat you the way you deserve...  


 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 8:18am

this is the original post:

Hazel1028 wrote:
<p>Ok. So I'm 26 years old and was happily married until about a year ago when my husband started getting really mean. I work in the medical field and my job requires me to travel quite a bit, I'm probably home half the month and gone the other half and every time I leave he makes these crude comments like "why don't you find a new job? Quit your job I don't want to be married to someone who is gone all the time" This job I have has required years of education and time to acquire- it's my dream job and I don't understand why he isn't supportive at all. He literally says "i never would have married you if I knew that this is what I was in for" etc. About a JOB!!! He is not supportive of me at all. Then he calls me all the time when I'm gone and will leave threatening messages when I don't answer the phone because I'm working!! At a hospital!! Like seriously? But get this- he NEVER answers his phone. NEVER. Maybe 1/50 times that I call him does he answer because all he does when I'm gone is goes out drinking with his buddies and doing who knows what else.</p><p>Another major issue we have is that he gets incredibly jealous. He has humiliated me infront of both of our families multiple times by calling me a whore and making rude comments because of the clothes I'm wearing and mind you I do NOT dress like some tramp. He'll be reffering to something as innocent as a sundress that shows like 1 mm of cleavage. I'm a woman- I have breasts!! Like get over it. He has accused me multiple times of being a lesbian- I can't even go out for drinks with my friends without him blowing up at me and a calling me a multitude of names but he goes out every single night. I am not even allowed to be close with his family- his male cousin has been a dear friend of mine for years and now if I so much as say hello to him I get accused of being in love with him.</p><p>ANYWAY- what I'm trying to get at here is that I think about leaving my marriage every single day. I think about the fact that if we weren't married I would have been out the door a year ago when this behavior started. I am just terrified of ending up alone. I'm terrified that one day I will wake up and being some old spinster. I want to file for a divorce but I'm just so scared. =(</p><p>Has anyone been through this - are these valid reasons to end my marriage? I really need help and advice and no judgement.</p>