What do I do now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2004
What do I do now?
3
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 5:10pm
Hello everyone, I am new here and today I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. We met online while I lived in Texas and he is from Michigan, and eventually I moved up here to be with him. He didn't have a job when we met and lived at home with his parents, and he had not worked for 5 years due to an work injury. I overlooked his situation because he seemed like such a good person and I fell in love with his family. His family supported him, but upon my moving to Michigan he said he would find a job. I was fortunate enough to transfer from my job of 19 years in Texas with the same company to Michigan so that worked out great. Unfortunately 8 months later I lost my job and blew through all of my 401K and retirement all while my boyfriend only managed to hold down 3 jobs in 4 months. During this time his health issues have increased, and he has spent time in and out of the hospital due to being sick. Since we have been together, he has had to file bankruptcy and he has no health insurance, so therefore I have been paying for his medication. I have recently found a great job and his health has improved, but he still puts off looking for work in hopes he can file for disability. I come from a good ol'e Southern upbringing where a man works to help support the household and he sees nothing wrong with a woman supporting a man. Since my new job doesn't pay near what my salary was before I have had to take a substantial paycut and it's becoming increasingly difficult to make ends meet and I find myself getting deeper in debt just to pay bills. I work almost 55 hours a week while he sits at home and watches TV or plays on the computer and when I mention anything about work he get's defensive and he makes me feel guilty for being insensitive. When I mention our financial situation he just says there is nothing he can do about it, but I feel if he truly loved and respected me he would find something even if it were part-time just to help buy a few groceries. He has tried to look for work but due to his lack of work history and that puts him at a disadvantage and I feel he has just given up all together. This wasn't the life I imagined when I left Texas and today I sent him packing back to his parents house, much to my family's jubilee because my family didn't care for him and felt he was taking advantage of me. All this aside, it's really hard especially during the holidays. All I do is cry, watching the snow falling and just wishing things could be different. How do I get through this? My family is 1200 miles away and I don't know anyone here outside of work, and given my position I cannot socialize with my co-workers so it makes things difficult. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 5:28pm

It sounds like you definitely did the right thing by breaking things off with him, he sounds like he was just mooching off of you. People like this will never stand on their own two feet and will have little to offer anyone who they get involved with.

As for your situation, if you don't like where you are living then maybe consider moving to somewhere that would make you happy or back home if that is where you want to go. A great job is a good thing to have but it is not a substitute for happiness by any means and there are jobs everywhere (maybe you could go back to your old company?). It sounds like you are not happy where you are and that would be my #1 suggestion. You moved there to be with him, so it doesn't sound like it is somewhere you would have chosen on your own. It is always risky to move for someone, I did this in college but even though I broke up with my boyfriend it worked out because I had such a great time afterwards, however if I wasn't happy their *on my own* I would have left.

If you do decide to stick it out in Michigan maybe join some clubs or some types of activities and try to meet new people, but I stress, if you are not happy living there then you should not feel obligated to stay...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 6:58pm

Hi ambidoll,

First and foremost I want you to know how sorry I am for what you are going through. I have two friends whose husbands were out of work and they (my girlfriends) were the only ones working and paying the bills was becoming quite difficult. One of the girls just recently left her husband when he refused to look for work and he too used to play on the computer and (she suspected) chat rooms. Anyhow, while she looked a little sad at first, she is much better now and feels that she can actually do more for herself as she doesn't have the burden of supporting him. The other friend continues to struggle, hoping her husband will 'get up off his butt' and look for a job... I can't see this happening as it has now been 4 years. As far as your kicking him out, I think you did the right thing. From your post, it didn't look like he was even considering a job as long as you continued to support him. On the other...

I left my husband for other reasons and since my living here is due to his relocation, I live 3000 miles away from my family and have absolutely no one here (family CA, me MA). I have friends but they are all married and have their lives. I know what you are going through, the holidays especially are tough but all I can tell you is that it will get better. At the beginninng it seemed that I would never stop crying but now one year later I am in a much better state of mind, in fact I never thought I would feel good again... I did, you will, give it time. One poster suggested that if you are not happy where you are at you should go home and I agree. I know my family wants me back home because they (my brothers especially) think that a woman alone 3000 miles away from her family is ludicrous. You have to do what is best for you and you have to consider the job situation too. That said, what I did at the beginning when I had no one around, was go to the mall. You don't have to go to shop, but it might help to be around other people even if they are not with you. For some reason, being cooped up at home hearing the click of the clock and the motor of the refrigerator can get to you. The malls are full of people making lots of noises. Get yourself a good book and sit at the food court, beleive it or not, you may meet some prospective friends. I sincerely wish your tears will dry soon. Lucy

Avatar for alsatia23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 1:24pm

I could have almost written your post.







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