What to do now?
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What to do now?
| Sat, 08-28-2004 - 10:07am |
My boyfriend and I have dated for 6 years and have been living together for almost three. Last weekend I went on an annual weekend trip with my girlfriend and her family. The week prior to me going we were arguing over something quite trivial which turned into him telling me that he was seriously considering moving out that weekend. I told him to please reconsider and let us talk about it when I got back from my trip. I didn't take his words as seriously as I should've. That was mistake #1.
When I called him on Sunday night, I found out that he had left. His cousin arrived Friday around 6 and he apparently helped him move. Needless to say I was devastated. I never thought he'd do it without talking about it first. He left me a dear jane letter on the coffee table explaining this is what he felt he had to do. He said he was tired of "trying" with us, after 6 years he didn't feel things were going right.
We are honestly a good couple, better than most couples out there and he agrees. We love each other immensely and are always there for each other. We don't lie, we don't cheat. We are supportive and fair emotionally and financially. We compromise. We have fun and we are always laughing. We make each other laugh like no other couple we know. Like most couples tough, sometimes we argue. He hates it. He says we argue too much but I really don't see it, probably because confrontation is not really something that bothers me. I believe in speaking your mind if there's a problem. We have different perceptions on what 'too much arguing' is apparently.
I should also mention were supposed to get married this fall/winter. Last Christmas I told him he needed to move out if he wasn't serious about me. He told me he didn't want to move out, that he wanted to marry me, and he proceeded to save for a ring. Later I found out he bought a ring for me this past March but didn't give it to me. I had no clue he had bought anything. He'd shown me many rings in the past and had told me he'd get something like 1.5 carats. I told him I don't care I don't even want a ring at all, but he wanted to give me something. One of my best friends was getting married and she had a 2.5 carat rock. I in no way, shape or form expected that but I have to be honest and admit that after he mentioned 1.5 that's what I had in my mind. Well, we were having a conversatoin one night and he asked me how I felt about a .75 carat ring, and I screwed up royally. I told him that I thought he was looking at 1.5 carats and that .75 was way below the average and would be less than anyone I knew. As soon as I said it I regretted it, but it was too late. Unbeknownst to me, he returned the .75 carat ring he'd bought the next day and I never knew about it for months to come. He was devastated. In all honesty I don't care about the size of the ring. I've never been a gold-digger and I have no idea why I even said that. I regret it so much. I care too much about what people think and I hate it. That side of me always gets to me. He's the complete opposite which is one of the things I most love about him. He doesn't care what other people think.
Neither of us is perfect but I admit that I have issues I need to work on. My concern with having a perfect life has created unrealistic expectations for him and hurt him in the process. It's something I can't help. I love him so much for the person that he is, yet I have conflicting thoughts about what I want things to be like. I have problems accepting not only him but other loved ones for who they are. So I finally decided it was time I seeked some professional help for it.
But it might be too late and I might have lost the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. He said he's been too hurt, it's been too long. Also, he has never had another serious relationship and has always wondered what else is out there. He is also going through a serious professional crisis, career change, and he's hitting 30 next month, which has him all the more confused. He feels that his life is slipping him by and he's not accomplishing what he needs to accomplish.
We had dinner on Thursday. I want to prove to him that he's the most important thing in my life and I am willing to work on my issues for everyone's sake. I will do that regardless of whether he comes back or not, but I really wish he would. He told me he still loves me very much but at the same time he can't turn back around and go on pretending nothing happened. He said he'd give us a chance but he really feels like he should date other people as well. I don't think I can handle him seeing me and other people at the same time. I want him to be happy with me and just me. He said doing this would clarify everything for him. He wants to know if there is someone out there with whom he'll just click. If he doesn't feel more for this person than he does for me, then he'll be totally certain of me and we'll definitely get married. He's terrified of making a mistake on marriage. He's of the belief you only marry once for life and you work at it with whomever you choose. He also has trouble believing in the fact I can change.
I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is so long. He's a sweet, senstive, hurt person and I want to make it all better. I'm miserable. I'm afraid it's too late and I've lost him. He is so full of love for me still. How do I convince him that I'm willing to change and that I don't want to live the rest of my life pushing those I love away? I am in love with him and he is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. I am sad and ashamed of myself.
When I called him on Sunday night, I found out that he had left. His cousin arrived Friday around 6 and he apparently helped him move. Needless to say I was devastated. I never thought he'd do it without talking about it first. He left me a dear jane letter on the coffee table explaining this is what he felt he had to do. He said he was tired of "trying" with us, after 6 years he didn't feel things were going right.
We are honestly a good couple, better than most couples out there and he agrees. We love each other immensely and are always there for each other. We don't lie, we don't cheat. We are supportive and fair emotionally and financially. We compromise. We have fun and we are always laughing. We make each other laugh like no other couple we know. Like most couples tough, sometimes we argue. He hates it. He says we argue too much but I really don't see it, probably because confrontation is not really something that bothers me. I believe in speaking your mind if there's a problem. We have different perceptions on what 'too much arguing' is apparently.
I should also mention were supposed to get married this fall/winter. Last Christmas I told him he needed to move out if he wasn't serious about me. He told me he didn't want to move out, that he wanted to marry me, and he proceeded to save for a ring. Later I found out he bought a ring for me this past March but didn't give it to me. I had no clue he had bought anything. He'd shown me many rings in the past and had told me he'd get something like 1.5 carats. I told him I don't care I don't even want a ring at all, but he wanted to give me something. One of my best friends was getting married and she had a 2.5 carat rock. I in no way, shape or form expected that but I have to be honest and admit that after he mentioned 1.5 that's what I had in my mind. Well, we were having a conversatoin one night and he asked me how I felt about a .75 carat ring, and I screwed up royally. I told him that I thought he was looking at 1.5 carats and that .75 was way below the average and would be less than anyone I knew. As soon as I said it I regretted it, but it was too late. Unbeknownst to me, he returned the .75 carat ring he'd bought the next day and I never knew about it for months to come. He was devastated. In all honesty I don't care about the size of the ring. I've never been a gold-digger and I have no idea why I even said that. I regret it so much. I care too much about what people think and I hate it. That side of me always gets to me. He's the complete opposite which is one of the things I most love about him. He doesn't care what other people think.
Neither of us is perfect but I admit that I have issues I need to work on. My concern with having a perfect life has created unrealistic expectations for him and hurt him in the process. It's something I can't help. I love him so much for the person that he is, yet I have conflicting thoughts about what I want things to be like. I have problems accepting not only him but other loved ones for who they are. So I finally decided it was time I seeked some professional help for it.
But it might be too late and I might have lost the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. He said he's been too hurt, it's been too long. Also, he has never had another serious relationship and has always wondered what else is out there. He is also going through a serious professional crisis, career change, and he's hitting 30 next month, which has him all the more confused. He feels that his life is slipping him by and he's not accomplishing what he needs to accomplish.
We had dinner on Thursday. I want to prove to him that he's the most important thing in my life and I am willing to work on my issues for everyone's sake. I will do that regardless of whether he comes back or not, but I really wish he would. He told me he still loves me very much but at the same time he can't turn back around and go on pretending nothing happened. He said he'd give us a chance but he really feels like he should date other people as well. I don't think I can handle him seeing me and other people at the same time. I want him to be happy with me and just me. He said doing this would clarify everything for him. He wants to know if there is someone out there with whom he'll just click. If he doesn't feel more for this person than he does for me, then he'll be totally certain of me and we'll definitely get married. He's terrified of making a mistake on marriage. He's of the belief you only marry once for life and you work at it with whomever you choose. He also has trouble believing in the fact I can change.
I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is so long. He's a sweet, senstive, hurt person and I want to make it all better. I'm miserable. I'm afraid it's too late and I've lost him. He is so full of love for me still. How do I convince him that I'm willing to change and that I don't want to live the rest of my life pushing those I love away? I am in love with him and he is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. I am sad and ashamed of myself.

Yes, you need to accept him for who he is, but he needs to do the same for you. If you're incompatible, you're incompatible, and that's nobody's "fault".
In any event, the only way you can "convince" him is by doing what you said you were going to do (going to counseling). Let your actions speak for themselves. If he is sincere (rather than using your behavior as an excuse, which is what my guess would be), then he will give you another chance. But in the meantime, I would suggest giving yourselves a 3 to 6 month "break" during which you have no contact...then at the end of that time, you can meet and see where you each are. By then, you might see that you weren't the only one at fault here.
Sheri
Your post is very mature and thoughtful, though, and I sincerely feel for you. But it is important not to blame only yourself and think that only YOU can change it -- you can't change the other person.
The best thing at this point, and I suspect you'll find that almost everyone on these boards will agree, is to GIVE him the space completely and fully. No contact, do not make yourself available, etc. etc. The more you try to hold on, the more he will try to slip your grip.
Just a thought regarding your approach to confrontation-- I have a friend who is the same way; says whatever she thinks and feels that she is being honest. But sometimes she comes across as insensitive and abrasive. She does not see this part AT ALL, and has never apologized for hurting someone's feelings. Miraculously, she has a wonderful marriage and an amazing, independent, gorgeous grown daughter, (she is quite loyal and loving as well..)but there are lots of walking wounded friends in her circle. Perhaps while you are working on your own issues, you should examine whether you are in fact like this as well -- it might explain why he thinks you argue too much and you don't.
Good luck; I imagine the next few weeks/months for you will be challenging, but we're here for you.
I'm giving him all the space he needs. I e-mailed him to see what we were going to do about some concert tickets we had. He e-mailed me back saying he needed some space and he felt I was infringing upon his needs. He tells me he really loves me but that love is not enough for a good marriage and there might be someone else out there better for us. At the same time he's telling me he would work things out if things were to change. And I'm going to do my part, for everyone's sake. Yet he's also saying he wants to see what else is out there before making a lifetime commitment. I am so sad and confused. I just wish I could fast forward time and see where things will lead, because it all looks so bleak for me right now.
I appreciate your kind words. Will check back soon and let you know what's up.