What to Do when you Don't Get Closure
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| Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:41am |
I am reading alot of posts on this board about guys just disappearing without an explanation or even a conversation. This recently happened to me with a guy I had been dating for 3 months who kept telling me how much he loved me, and when I tried to discuss his smoking habit refused to speak to me again even though he was the one that told me if he got a commitment from me he might quit. There wasn't even so much as a break up conversation. He is just ignoring me completely now and I am blaming myself because of what I said. Like others on this board I tried to call him and left many messages with no response. I am having a hard time with no closure. I wonder why these men don't even have the respect for us to tell us what is going on and have an adult conversation about things, instead they leave us hanging and wondering. This is very difficult and I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how to deal with this problem of no closure.
Thanks,
Karalyn

It definitely takes longer to get closure if the guy just disappears, but what has worked for me is to get my own closure from the fact that he disappeared. I get it (eventually) from accepting that a guy who would do that to me can't be right for me. That's what I had to do last fall/winter when a guy I'd been involved with for a year and a half disappeared on me without a word.
Sheri
By experience, this situation of "not having closure" is very difficult. It leaves you with the feeling of "what happened? Did I do something wrong?". In fact, you did nothing wrong, you expressed your opinion regarding his nasty habit. He may have told you that he'd quit if you committed to him, BUT three months is just the honeymood dear. He's not willing to quit for you or anyone as per his attitude. He's got an addiction and his words may not have been true. You and him weren't on the same page. His addiction is more important than the relationship. Perhaps, in the future he'll look for a smoker instead.
Instead of waiting for closure, I'd suggest to give yourself closure. You can't control the man and make him tell you why he's being disrespectful and childish. He's ignoring you and won't answer your calls or return your messages. This man refused to talk about an area that is important to you. He's not willing to reach middle groud so the relationship won't work. He's not the man for you. He's disrespectful and in your book this behavior is unacceptable. It's time to move on. There is your closure.
I can totally relate to you. This is by far one of the strangest phenomenons... Men just vanishing into thin air. I feel your confusion and hurt.
all I have to say is this:
1) it's his loss.
2) you deserve better.
as for getting closure - repeat sentences 1 & 2 over and over again until you don't care anymore about why it ended. That's my remedy. Hope it helps (or at least made you laugh a little!)
:P
Jen
Yes,
Your so right. They claim that they love you over and over again, and then you say something or do something that they don't like, and they don't want anything to do with you. It is very confusing when they claim to love you and they do this. You would think if they meant it they wouldn't act like this. You would think it would be hard for them to just move on.
Karalyn
"It is very confusing when they claim to love you and they do this. You would think if they meant it they wouldn't act like this."
Women always think that. But they don't think it all the way through and answer the question. If he really meant it, how is he able to act like that? And maybe they don't answer because it hurts to much to begin to think that maybe in fact he *didn't* really mean it. That he was pretending. Or maybe he did mean it in the beginning, and then started losing those feelings, so he pretended and behaved as-if in order to regain those feelings, and after he felt a sufficient amount of time had passed where the genuine feelings had not returned, he ended it.
That's why I believe no dumpER can give the dumpEE closure. Nothing will make the dumpEE sit back and say "gee, okay I get it now. Thanks!".