What does he want? I'm so confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
What does he want? I'm so confused!
6
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:08pm

Well, my husband emailed me today. At first it was just a single sentence about auto insurance, asking if I removed the car I sold this weekend. So I wrote him back and explained that I removed the car, changed his address and phone number (so he'll get the statements and not me), and that I couldn't remove my name unless I talked to the specific agent that started the policy. I took care of that after school today.

So I figured that was it. I was a little excited that he emailed me at all, even if it was just another bill question. ALL contact since he left a month ago has been by me. I've made phone calls, sent emails, left voicemail, sent e-cards, sent text msgs., etc. If it is a que. about a bill or something he responds. But the two personal emails I sent last week, he did not respond to at all.

Anyway, a few minutes after I sent my reply, I get a reply from him.

This is what he wrote.

"ok, thank you. how are you doing? im still not eating very well. i
went 3 days last week with no food. i only ate something because i
started to get some weird headaches and seeing things. i have to wear
shorts under my pants so that they will stay on. i need to get some new
pants but im not sure how much more i will lose. My mother is driving
me crazy, just reminds me why i left in the first place and reminds me
to work at school and get out on my own. Meghann came home this
weekend. We went to my parents crazy church. My dad says he wants the
dresser and that we will work out the details later, if you dont mind."

I wasn't sure how to take it. I ended up just moving on to my next class period and not worrying about it since they keep me busy and my mind focused elsewhere. But when I was putting in the attendance for the last class of the day, I read the email again. I wrote him back, but was really nonchalant about it. I didn't say anything about how he is feeling. All I wrote was that I've started going to church and going to some book studies at the church. I told him that I was sorry his mom is driving him crazy, but she does that because she cares (trying not to say anything mean about her), told him he needs to take his stereo and a dvd player if he wants it (since he took ALL the DVD's), and then I asked when they were looking at getting the dresser. So he writes back and says that he is waiting for a response from his dad and that he doesn't need a DVD player.
I wrote him back one more time and just told him to let me know about the dresser so I could plan accordingly. It was too late in the day, so I didn't hear back from him.

But just now, as I was looking at my email, there were two new emails from him. The 2nd one asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him tomorrow. I sent an email telling him to call me because it's better than email. He hasn't called yet, but it's only been 10 minutes.

So what am I supposed to think? He write me out of the blue and tells me all this personal stuff and makes me feel bad for him, and makes me want to just tell him that he could move back in with me to get away from his mom. But, I didn't want to say anything that would make him back away again. I don't know what he wants from me. Guess I'll find out if he calls.

The bad thing with tomorrow is that I have a book study at 7 pm at the chuch, and will need to leave at about 6:20 to get there on time with traffic. So I guess we'll just be going out directly after school lets out. Damn, wish I had that body shaper so I could wear the cute dress I bought yesterday. Oh well, I'll just have to wear my new skirt and blouse instead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 12:28am

Ok. I don't know what his deal is. I wrote him and asked him to call me because it's better to talk than to email. I ended up sending him another email 45 min. later and said that we could meet for dinner around 5 but that I needed to leave by 6:20 for my book study group. Well over an hour later, I still hadn't heard from him so I sent him a text asking if he was going to call. He writes back and says he can't talk on the phone with the headset for the game on too. My heart just sinks. I've pushed too much. Once again that online game comes before me.

I text him again and told him that I answered his email, so now it's his turn. So he writes an email saying "Nevermind about dinner. I can't make it until 5. Maybe some other time." So I hurriedly email him back and say 5 is fine that I had said 4:30 because I figured he wouldn't want to wait around for me. He says no, another day maybe. He says it was a moment of weakness and he's sorry he asked. So I get upset and start to cry ( haven't cried over him in a week or so) and end up sending him a text thanking him for making me feel stupid, and for making me think that he cared.

Why would he do that? Is he mad because I won't drop all of my plans? We still had time for dinner and conversation. If he wanted more than just an hours conversation, then he should call me or come by! Am I wrong? I don't want to be at his beck and call. All he does is crap on me again anyway. His last text msg. said that he just wanted to talk, but I have a life. Is that so wrong? I was so afraid of making him think that I don't need him, and that's not true. His last msg. also said that if I am free on Wed. (my suggestion) we could go to dinner then. I wrote him back and said that this is why I wanted him to call me, so there wouldn't be any confusion. I didn't respond to the dinner invite. If he wants to see me, then he needs to call. I am his wife, not some little highschool girlfriend sitting in class waiting for his text and hoping the teacher doesn't see my phone. I feel like the only reason he said Wed. night instead was out of pity.

Am I doing the right thing? Should I call him and try to reinstate that dinner invite for tomorrow night and forget about the book club and my friend that is going with me? What do i do to make this better? once again I have pushed him away.

I was going to give him the 2.5 page letter I wrote him tomorrow at dinner and see if he would read it in front of me. That way I could guage his reaction and we could talk about it.

Why did he ask me to dinner? Does he want to talk about us?

Can I fix this, or do I just need to leave it alone and continue with my life.

You know, I had a really great weekend, and didn't think about him much at all. Now he has to go and ruin the beginning of my week by getting my hopes up and then stomping on my heart again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 12:51am

Forgive me for disparaging your husband, but this man sounds completely selfish. I've kept up with your story, and if memory serves he walked out on you on your birthday, so of course he has no problem putting something before you like a video game. Trust me, I've dealt with a guy who resorts to video game playing to ignore his decisions in life. This may sound harsh, but he has already left the relationship twice, so anything you do right now that focuses on him is detrimental to your healing. He seems annoyed that you don't fit perfectly into his schedule. He wants everything on his time. Why do this to yourself? You even admitted that you felt good over the weekend and didn't think about him much, and now you have something planned this week that you are really looking forward to (book club at church) only to maybe change it for him. Don't do this. The stronger you get the more he will want to come back, and chances are you won't even want him. Sometimes people start bending over backwards to make someone notice them again, and all the other person is thinking is, "why are they trying to be a gymnast?" They don't notice the real effort.

Right now he has all the power and he knows he can come to you whenever he needs you, and you will take care of everything, i.e. insurance, car information, bills, etc. He's the one that walked out. Make him do that stuff. He even said, "Nevermind, it was a moment of weakness." Like it's a sin to try and work things out with his wife. Don't deal with his manipulation. Do your own thing. I think Sandra posted at one point to tell him exactly what you want then let it be. If the letter is a list of those wants then give it to him at the end of dinner. I can pretty much guarantee he will not want to read it in front of you, and you will be hurt when he doesn't. Live your life, start seeing a therapist to help you with your grief, and if he decides to get his priorities in order then go see a marriage counselor together. Best of luck to you. I know this is hard, but sometimes the more hurt we behave the meaner our significant others can be. It doesn't make any sense, but it's like a weird power thing. (Trust me, I've been there)

I hope everything works out well for you and keep us posted.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 12:59am

What's more important at this point, getting him to call you or getting to see him? I think it's the latter, so if that means you do it by text, so be it. I agree with you that it's a ridiculous way for him to be communicating with you but if you're ever going to get to be in the same room with him so you can see if there's any chance of working things out, you need to just hold your nose and go with it.

So just let him know Wed will work and ask what time and where he wants to meet.

I'm not sure I'd ask him to read the letter in front of you--he's going to need time to process it and he may feel cornered and blind-sided and feel he needs to make a decision on the spot, and that will cause him to get defensive and you don't want that. You can give it to him but don't make him read it then and there. And is there any way you can shorten it? 2.5 pages is a lot for him to take in. I know you have a lot to say but what you're trying to do is get him to open the door to working things out, right? So a paragraph acknowledging and apologizing for your part in things, a paragraph or so telling him how much you value him and the relationship, and a couple lines asking him to go to counseling with you is really all that you need.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 8:18am

I don't want to change my plans, and therefore I won't. The book club is about healing and accepting the troubled times in our life and moving forward through them. I'm not going to let him take that away from me. He's left me twice, so I've moved on. Yes, I do want him to decide to work this out. But I'm done chasing him around.

That moment of weakness stuff is ridiculous. I couldn't tell you the number of emails Ihave typed out completely and then deleted. No one forced him to send it, so he needs to step up and be a man.

The letter is a list of things that I love about him, why I fell in love with him, and why I want to stay married to him. I don't ask him anything in the letter. I don't want to push him further away by making demands. I am going to take the letter to his school this morning and put it in his mailbox. He won't be there yet, its too early for him. I'm going to add a note to tell him to call me if he wants to make plans. Then it will be up to him, NOT ME!

I do have a appt. with a marriage counselor for me on the 12th of March. That was the soonest I could get in anywhere. I wish it was this week.

Thank you for your insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 8:22am

I am tired of chasing him down and being turned down. Even though he emailed me and asked me to dinner, as soon as I responded, he says never mind. that's bull! I'm going to take the letter to his school this morning and stick it in his mailbox. I'm going to add that if he wants to get together, then he needs to call me. Which he should have done in the first place!

The letter is not an apology persay. I do say sorry for some things, but mostly it is telling him how I feel about him and why I am in love with him. I've asked him to go to marriage counseling, and he said no. I've also asked him that if he wants to get together, then he should call me. But for some reason or another he won't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 11:37am

Hang in there mberber - I just want to say, while you make think the whole 'moment of weakness' is bull, well, it's really not.