What does he want from me?
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| Wed, 03-14-2007 - 9:42am |
UGH, the saga continues! WTF does he want from me?
I posted this part in my other topic but I feel its worth starting a new topic about. He text me yesterday after I got out of a meeting saying to call him. So knowing better but wanting to hear what he had to say about ignoring me I call him. We talk, I keep it light just talking about what I was up to, we didn't talk about "us".
So he keeps asking in the conversation, "how are you". Finally I said "why do you keep asking me that" and he said "I want to make sure you are ok" and I said "well no than" and he said "sorry" I said "thats all you have to say" and he said I don't know what else to do" I say "Well are you just sorry because you hurt my feelings" and he said "no I'm sorry because I love you and I can't see you and I can't be with you" and I said "Yes you can, you just choose not to". And he said "well this wasn't an easy decision for me" and I said "I know that, I'm not saying it was" and than I continued "are you happier this way" and he said "no". And I said "well than why are you doing it?!?" and he said "because I'm stupid" and I said "well stop being stupid". Than we had to get off because neither one of us could hear the other one. So I said "can we talk later" and he said "yes" and I said "will you call me later" and he said "yes". So I go about my day and does he call...you all know the answer - "no" and like a fool I call him and where is he? In a nightclub. Now I'm not mad because he decided to go out and not talk to me. He usually never did that to me but we are broken up so I feel I do have some boundries about what I can and cannot control, HOWEVER, this avoidance of the issues are really getting to me. I'm so aggravated that he tells me knows his decision is wrong he feels he being stupid about it and he's unhappy and yet he WON'T take any action steps to rectify the problem. And again he's just avoiding it. I have no clue as to what he wants from me. Does he want me to be OK so he doesn't feel guilty anymore? Does he not want me to be ok to stroke his ego? He doesn't want me but he wants no one else to have me? I dont' know if I do the no contact thing or if I try to talk to him to get some sense of what is going on or some kind of closer or what. I'm so confused. How am I supposed to know what's going on if he doesn't know?
And the thing I keep going back to is, he was NEVER like this! EVER! He was never this indecisive. So I think well he really is going through something and I'd like to help but he doesn't seem to want help. So I think I really do deserve better than this but how do I tell him that if I'm on no contact? I really just don't know anymore.

Okay, first things first. My honest opinion is that you need to go the no contact route. It will help you tremendously. Trust me.
My break up was about 10 months ago and I did one month No Contact after that one month I called him, and I was able to talk to him without getting emotional and without it being awkward. He then started to call me about once every two weeks, then three months after our break-up we saw each other for the first time. We are now friends, and hang out about once a week.
No contact is for you to heal, to gain some perspective, to go through the grieving process. When you continue to talk to him right now, it does nothing but cause you more pain. Heal yourself and do No contact. You don't even have to tell him that you're gonna do it, just do it, don't answer his calls, texts, e-mails, etc... And Don't call, text, e-mail etc.. him. You'll thank yourself in the end.
HUGS.
~amber
Hi! I think the question you really need to be asking is: What do I want from him? This passivity is only going to drag you into his ambivalent drama.
He doesn't know what he wants...so let him go and start to heal. These push-pull dramas can go on forever.
It's no fun being in love with someone who doesn't know what their feelings are one minute to the next, or one day to the next or one week to the next.
It's heartbreaking to see the person you love suddenly implode but I think you need to read He's Scared She's Scared by Steven A. Carter. It goes into greater detail about the dynamic of a commitmentphobic relationship. Setting labels aside. He's distancing, his ambivalence is making your crazy so you need to get as far away from this relationship, cut contact and start to heal.
If you don't you'll only be pulled into this drama.
Commitmentphobes come in all shapes and sizes but the patterns are all predictably the same. Sigh....read my posts. He may figure it out...he may not...but do you really want to be waiting around?
It sounds counter-intuitive but when your partner starts to distance, you need to pull away. When we were younger, when our parents got angry, we tried to please, we pushed harder fearful of losing their love.
Now in this relationship you're doing the same thing. The only way he'll figure it out is if you're out of the picture.
But NO CONTACT isn't about "giving him space" or "punishing him"...it's about sorting out what YOU want from a relationship. Protect yourself. You can't get clarity when you're in the middle of this emotional tango. Break free of the dance and observe it from a safer distance. Good luck
Sun14 -
My guess is that he doesn't want to be seen as the 'bad guy' in all this and if you are 'ok' or still talking to him, well then, he's not all that bad, right?
So how do I do it. I'm good at the no calling, no texting, no e-mailing. The problem is answering the calls. I think I might be able to not respond to texts or e-mails (not sure about that, but its easier). I HATE when people don't return my calls. Its something that's been ingrained in me as a child that you always respond to people. So this is excrutiating to me to not return a phone call.
And how long do I have to do it? I can talk to him just fine with no emotions as friends now, but he keeps bringing it up. I was actually surprised that I wasn't emotional with him yesterday when he called considering what a mess I was when he wasn't talking to me....oh wait that's the crack fix isn't it? Of course if felt good.
Ok - how do I do this. I just don't think I can not respond to him. How did you all stay strong?
If you truly feel as though you are gonna have to respond when he calls, then yes you do need to tell him that you're going to take some time of no contact. Just tell him that you need some time to truly heal and ask him to respect that. Tell him that when you're ready to be "friends" you'll call him.
Then you know if he does call you, do not answer because if he does call after you tell him that you need some time, he's not respecting you and why would you want to talk to someone who would do that anyway.
During my no contact, my ex didn't call me, because he knew without me telling him that I needed time to myself, to heal, and to move on...
Do this for yourself, you deserve it.
HUGS.
~Amber
If you take a call,
Yep, that's him. Yep, that's me. Although we didn't do the dance of withdrawal. It was basically him doing a lot of pursuing, me doing a lot of pushing away, we come together everything's rosy, we get engaged, we are happy WHAM! He backs off, but he knows he shouldn't but he doesn't know why he's doing it. I'm on page 16 and I'm considering shipping him a copy.