what does he want from me??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
what does he want from me??
3
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 7:20am
My x tried contacting me twice since our breakup 2 months ago. about a month ago he sent me a message saying that he misses the friend i was to him, i did not reply. and yesterday, i woke up to find a message from him saying "might not be appropriate, but i just wanted you to know that miss you, even though i know you have decided not to talk to me ever again", i did not reply as well.

i was the one to break up with him, but it was only after he had left me no choice, and i had to stand up for myself. we've been together for 5 years, and it's too painful to let him go. i've been through hell and back, and i promised myself not to contact him the minute i broke it up.

but what does he want from me??

this is really making it more difficult than it already is!

i keep thinking if he's trying to fix things, but then again a simple "i miss you message" won't do it! i'm sick of him SAYING stuff to me instead of DOING them.

i was let down too many times..

please help, does that mean i should have some hope back?

should i ignore all this and go on?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:11pm
I would write back and say something like, It's just too hard for me to talk to you right now; I hope you can understand that. I'll contact you when I am ready to be friends. In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you could respect my request and not contact me, unless and until you've been in counseling for at least 3 months and are 100% committed to resolving the issues in our relationship and trying again.

I just threw the counseling idea in there as it sounds like you need to see him take some *action* rather than just talking.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 2:35pm
Speaking from experience...

My ex has contacted me several times since our breakup (and HE was the one who ended things). His messages are usually something like 'just saying hi, seeing if you're still alive" blahblahblah, etc. Occasionally we would talk and he would tell me he missed me. I used to feel really hopeful that we could be friends...I figured that if he really missed me, then that would mean he still wanted me to be in his life right?

But I was wrong, very wrong...he has a new girlfriend (he's been with her ever since we broke up) and he's treated me like absolute sh*t. Sure, he'll send me random IM's/texts, even call once in awhile...but his actions never back up his words. He gets ahold of me whenever it's convenient for HIM--especially when he's bored/lonely/drunk...he generally tends to ignore me when I contact him, and I've begun to realize that it's all just a game to him. He doesn't actually care about or miss me...he doesn't want to be friends. He just doesn't want me to be able to forget him. I get confused when he contacts me because it gives me false hope...but he always ends up disappointing me. All I'm good for is an occasional ego boost.

The other night he IM'ed me and said that maybe we could talk later...so I waited around for him for awhile, then eventually gave up and went to bed. I left him one last IM that contained lyrics from this song we both love (they described the way I was feeling) and told him to take care. He never responded. However, I woke up today and he had left an IM for me...but you know what? I don't think I'm going to respond. It doesn't mean anything...he didn't say that he misses me/wants to be friends, etc. And I wouldn't believe that anymore...he'd have to actually prove it this time. I don't want to fall into his trap again.

Of course, your situation could be different than mine--maybe your ex really is trying to be friends. But even if that's true, I think you need to be over him first in order for that to really happen. I was foolish enough to think that my ex and I could just automatically become friends after the breakup, even after everything that had happened. But I'm not over him and hearing about his new girlfriend, his new life...it all just hurts me more.

If your ex really wants you back in his life, make him prove it. Don't let him take advantage of your feelings for him and don't let him give you false hope. His actions NEED to match his words...

If him still contacting you is causing difficulties for you, then tell him to stop. Don't let it delay your healing process. Be strong...and take care of yourself :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 2:36pm
oh boy...does this sound like what i went thru in my six year relationship with my ex....i broke up with him and took him back 11 times over the six year period....finally stuck with it the 12th time....that was three years ago and he still calls me!

i have gotten to the point where i can talk to him maybe twice a year but he wants to go back to what we had and that will never happen...and i still get those old feelings when i see him...the chemistry does not go away

everytime i would take him back he would give me empty promises about how he would change and he did for about a month...and that was a wonderful month....but he would always fall back into his old habits and we would have problems all over again...

so my advice to you is stay strong and do not talk to him for at least 3 months...no contact....then if you feel the need you can tell him to get his act together and call you when he is done...then you can reevaluate whether you want to take another chance with him...

but remember....a leopard does not change his spots....he misses having you around and putting up with his stuff...and the old issues will always rear their ugly heads....

be a smart woman and learn for others mistakes.....wish i had gotten this same message years ago...would not have wasted so many years on a lost cause...

good luck and stay strong....you sound like a great girl