What does it mean???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
What does it mean???
9
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 5:44pm

My ex and I had no contact whatsoever for about five months until two weeks ago. I called him, at around 8pm on a Sunday night. I had been thinking of him a lot because this guy that I had begun dating was really probing about my prior relationship . In case you dont remember my ex and I had a very volitile relationship and a horrible, brutal, sudden breakup.

Well we talked for about 3 minutes at which time he had to go and said would call me back but never did. I realized almost immediatly he wasn't calling back, and ultimatly it was ok with me. Of course it burnt a little, but once I let go I was fine.

Well this Friday night, two weeks later, I was out with a girlfriend of mine. HE CALLED, at MIDNIGHT! He called, he said, to apologize for not calling me back that evening. I asked him what was his motivation for calling me that night and he said all his friends "ditched" him and he was in the parking lot of some bar. WOW. We said out goodbyes and I think it was left where I said I would give him a call this week but I am just confused and frazzled.

This guy really messed with me and hurt me more than I thought would EVER be possible. Im finally past him, at least compared to where I was in the past, and he now seems "back." I know there will be further contact between him and I, its not a question of "if", just "when". Do I call like I said I would? Do I stay away right now???

That midnight phone call was, for sure, a desparate act by him, but it makes me wonder if he is thinking of me and maybe if he is wondering about me, and if he has any regrets about what happened between us.

Advice please!!!!!!???

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 6:06pm

Please, please tell me that even if he WERE wanting to get back together, you wouldn't!

He was BAD for you!!! He IS bad for you! If you don't remember all the things he did and the reasons why he is bad for you, you need to sit down and start remembering and write a list. Re-read your old posts from Ivillage if need be.

YOU need to make the choice to prevent further contact...there will only be contact if YOU permit it. And NO, if you have a smidgeon of love for yourself, you won't call him.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 11:03pm

I agree with Sheri and would add:

You opened this door (calling him first, because of the probe and thinking a lot about him) - and since you called first, you have given him permission to now call you - hence the midnight call.

It doesn't matter if he's wondering about you and/or having regets (it's only normal, we all go through it) what matters that the ball is back in your court. It's up to you to close the door.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 10:00am

I do feel that the "ball" is back in my court and I know I am now presented with a choice of what to do.

If I call him or contact him this week it will be as if I am giving out an "ok", do what you like to me - I dont care about me. If I dont call him then I am standing strong in my own skin. However it is difficult because of the curiosity factor.

But what, really, would come of it?? There really was a time we loved eachother very very much. But contacting him, now, wont get any of that back. He can never be back. No one in my life would allow it. I know I shouldn't either because it wont produce anything but agony for me again. He has positivly prooved that he can shut off, but I know that I can not. It is hard.

Another factor here is that it our birthdays in the next two weeks . Since I heard back from him that night nothing is the same though. I have come such a long way and suddenly I feel I'm on the edge of falling backwards.

If I make it past out birthdays without even a text message I am treating myself to a special spa day for SURE!!!!

Thoughts anyone??

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 11:41am

I hope you will respect yourself enough not to contact him...perhaps even enough to BLOCK him from contacting you!

Talk to your friends and family--get their support. Don't keep this a secret from them (I don't know if you are or not, but it sounds like you might be)...that's the first step down the slippery slope to the dark side ;-) (I'm kind of joking but I'm kind of not!).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 10:47am

Slippery slope I completely understand.

I really really really feel an urge to contact him. Its just that every time I think about it, I see what consequences may arise. Even if we do talk and he is civil and we do meet up together, what will come? Will I get an apology or an explanation for his crude, hurtful, hateful behavior?? Will he use it as an opportunity to see if I will be physical with him "for old time's sake?" Will he use it to throw his life "without me" in my face? Is he still with this girl?

Will I feel better than I do now, or worse about myself? I come up with worse.

I just started semi-seeing someone new and we went out last night. I couldn't get my ex OUT of my mind. I am almost convinced that had I NOT gone out with this guy last night, I might have called my ex. But again, thinking of the consequences is helpful.

I just dont understand how things between he and I got so so so bad and I guess Im looking at this situation as an opportunity for an explanation. It is niaive to expect him to have matured, isn't is? It is stupid to think he cares too, right?

If he really is wondering about me, he would try to contact me again, right? or he wouldn't have done it at midnight? I dont know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 11:11am
Leave it alone, remember how you will feel if you contact him, what he will be thinking when he gets that phone call???? Plus the fact that if you're expecting any kind of apology from him forget it, he is emotionally bad for you, trust me, been there, and will not go back. If he was into you, he'd have done things better. Nothing will change, all he wants is to make himself feel good perhaps physically, etc., what you see is what you will get, NOTHING....
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 12:54pm

You're seeing a counselor, right? I would do nothing so far as the ex is concerned until you have your next appointment and discuss the consequences of contacting your ex with him/her.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 2:03pm
No, I've stopped seeing my counselor and have not seen her since about November. I dont think I'll call, Im seeing no GAIN for me out of this - only pain.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 2:16pm

Ah, ok. This might be a good time to call for a "tune up" ;-) then (I find those to be helpful--a couple-three sessions when I'm dealing with a particular issue).

But in any event, good for you that you are not planning on calling. I would urge you to think in terms of "I'm NOT going to call him or take his calls, no matter what" rather than "I think I'm not going to call him". Having a firm mental position really can help you act in accordance with that.

Sheri