What doi do now?
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| Sun, 10-10-2004 - 8:40am |
I have been with my nf for 3 month. Everything was going just great and moving along fine.
We spend mostly weekend together because helives 1.5hr away and we both work. Every weekend was great. He is open, honest and he know how to communicate which is a big deal in my book.
He introduced me to his married male friends and their wives, showed me where he works, and I felt he was letting me into his world. I felt wanted and cared for by him.
This past weekend, he came to my place. Again we soend a wonderful weekend together. He was loving as usual. We had lots of fun.
He called me as usual when he got home, everything was fine. He calls me Monday (like he always calls me in the morning leaving me a good morning message wishing me a nice day).
On Tuesday he calls me and we talk as usual and out of the blue he says to me " I am not sure if I feel the same way about you then you feel about me". I said "Okay". He then said "How do I know you the ONE"? "How do I know we meant to be together"?
I said, " Well how does anyone know"? I asked him why does he feel this way and what was going on with him. He said he wasen't sure if he is ready for a committment.
He than says to me " He said that he thought Iwas falling in love with him and he did not know if he felt the same way. I just wanted to get this of my chest, don't worry, everything is ok and I call you tonight".
In the meantime I felt like a train hit me however I was glad that he did openly tell me what he had on his mind and he does have a right to his own feelings and to let me know about them. I am thankful that he is honest about that and not sneak around my back or pretend.
That same night he calls me and says " I just need a little space". I said Okay no problem. I asked him if there was another girl he said no. After talking some more he said " well there is an old friend (a girl) that I have been talking to alot lately ,you don't know her but she knows about you. I asked if it was someone he had told me about before he said no.
He said he did not think it was fair to me for him to think about that person and he is with me and thathe cares a lot about me and does not want to hurt me. He needs space to find out what his feelings are.
Allthough I was crushed I tried to stay understanding, giving him the respect for being truthful with me.
We ended our conversation with him telling me he would call me the next day.
I thought about everything he told me and I wrote him a letter telling him that I was going to let him go with love and that I respect him for being honest with me about all of this. I told him that if he had another woman on his mind it would be best if I completely set him free so he can do what he needs to do and that I was not going to wait living my life but that I was keeping the door open for him shouldhe decide to come back and that I would help him with that.
He replied back thanking me for being so understanding and that he had to do what he had to do right now. He told me he felt hurt for hurting me and he did not want to hurt me anymore then he already had and that is why he was doing this.
Now I do not know if there is indeed another woman or if he just plain got scared because I treated him with respect and love. I feel that perhaps he just met someone new of a dating site. The same one we met on. He never took his ad down in the time we were together, it is still up.
He was 19 when he got married, married for 10 years and that went bad. 6 month later he got into another relationship that lasted 3 years and finsihed in a break up. 6 month after that he met me.
I have not heard from him in 5 days now. I think the no contact rule applies here however I do want him to know I care for him and I am here.
What do you think of this? What do I do now? I did fall in love with him and I want to be with him.
Now here are 2 people, couldn;t have more chemistry. Having a wonderful time enjoying one another. I am smart, beautiful , sexy and he tells me the best woman he has ever been with since his 2 failed relationships. He said his ex's made him feel not wanted and how he felt wanted with me. Than why in the world would he throw this away?
Any input in this would be great!

He too started talking to an old friend who in this case was actually an old gf -- his first love from many years ago. Seemed that I was good enough until she popped back in his life.
I too treated him better then he had ever been treated. We all know about the women who claim that they want a nice guy, then turn up their noses when they meet a nice guy -- in favor of the guy who jerks them around. Well, I have come to the conclusion that there are a lot of 'nice guys' out there that do the same thing. These guys complain how they have been hurt and dumped. They want a good and loving woman. The problem is when they finally find that good and loving woman, she doesn't provide the same adrenaline rush that the other kind of woman provides. So in a twisted way, if you and I had played games and jerked these guys around, they would probably still be knocking on our door.
I also think that once we provide them with a dose of self confidence and ego, once they are reminded that they have worth and are desireable -- they become like kids in a candy store. It's like "Wow .. if she thinks I this hot, who else out there will?"
You did the only thing you could do. I will give your ex high marks for his honesty. My ex, while not quite lying, wasn't totally truthfull either.
This seems to be a lesson for the both of us that whatever happens in the early months of a relationship is most likely infatuation and not to be taken too seriously.
I understand your desire to let him know that you still care, but I think he is aware of that. BTW, it has been 6 months since my ex and I broke up -- and he hasn't come around to beg for me back -- as so many of my friends and family had predicted. At this point I'd say that the breakup is for good. The only way to heal is to look at it from that perspective.
Sorry you are hurting -- It does get better!
Lois
There's something about the three month mark. It's usually a time when people decide whether they want to commit in a deeper way or end a relationship. I'm not sure why but three months just seems to do that to people, make them want to decide that is.
I think you did the right thing in letting him go. I think if there's anything else you need him to know that you should write him a letter. You can make it clear to him that you will wait for him for some time and that he's welcome to back to you ... that could make you feel better. I know sometimes in these situations, when we're doing NC we tend to think things like what if he doesn't know how much I loved him, what if he doesn't know I would take him back, etc. Well, you should just be clear with him now and then you won't have to torture yourself with those thoughts.
One other thing, this man may have seemed perfect, but he really wasn't. If he were the right man for you he wouldn't be bailing now. But then again, you never know. Maybe he just wants a little time to see if it's really right for him. Maybe he'll be back in another month or so ...
In the meantime, we're here for you. Feel free to cry, obsess, rant and rave, get angry, cry some more, mourn and grieve. We'll hold your hand and let you put your head on our shoulder. We've all been where you are. (I also lost someone I really loved after a three month relationship. We had also met online ... )
You said many great things and its true what you said.
I have been fighting the urge to contact him and done pretty ok with it so far.
I feel that I told him in my note I send to him when it all happened that HE KNOWS how I feel.
I am scared if I write or call he may take this the wrong way...............gosh this is so dumb. I guess I hold still and see what happens. I really do not want to be with him if he is going to be that dramatic with me.I mean what kind of relationship will I have if he gets nervous or confused each few weeks. I be living each day with him in fear of him changing his mind.
I understand he been through a lot , so have I so have you and everyone else in life. I just don't think it should reflect his feelings for me or if he wants to be with me.
He needs a little space...............you know really what does it mean? I thought ok, are we done? do we talk ? what is it?
To me needing space =I do not want to be with you, am I wrong?
This is heart breaking to me and such a waste of time when we could be doing things we enjoy.
So it's really up to you. My advice is to concentrate on yourself for a month. Just forget about him for a month. I know a month seems like forever when you're hurting, but it's really not. A month goes by really quickly. I broke up with my boyfriend four weeks ago today. The first week was really hard. I was in shock. The second week was actually more painful because the shock had worn off. The third week was a little easier. And this last week I only cried a couple of times. I think that's pretty good. So what I'm sayin' is that it does get easier. Give yourself a week and see how you feel then.
I am having a tough day today because this is my first weekend without him being here. I doknow this, I know what I want. I would never settle for any men that could not make up his mind to what he wants.
I know I deserve more! I just feel that this was a nice relationship starting to bloom and he messed it up and that is what really gets to me. I guess the bottom line is that he is not here and he asked for space.
I think that says it all! If he wanted to be with me I would be with him, it is that simple.
I have to make up my mind pretty quick because if he decides to come back to me , and that is posible then I need to know if I can put up with this insecurity on his part. I know in my mind and soul, I won't!
I almost called him today...............but decided not to. I am taking care of me and relaxing a lot. I have been keeping very busy with working out at the gym, work and friends.
I get home at night and am to tired to think about this none sense because that is what it is.
I even went on a couple of dinners since then, nothing serious just dinner a nice conversation and that was that.
I deeply care for this man however I will do everything in my power to get beyound this pain.
Why did you break up with yours?
I've found that not asking why he did it has helped. Sometimes there are no answers. I could speculate that he was feeling nostalgic about his ex because September was when he proposed, he could have run into her and that brought back memories. I've stopped wondering because I'll never get an answer that I'll be satisfied with. The one thing I've felt that has helped is to concentrate on what you need to move on. For me, it was laying out openly how I felt about him and the relationship that we had had. Telling him I cared for him was like a gift to him - I didn't expect to get something in return. I did that just last week and for some reason, everytime I feel like my world is sinking because he's not with me, or I start missing him, I read the letter I wrote him and I feel much better. The best thing you can do for yourself and him is to let him go knowing how you much you care about him. The rest is in his hands. You can only concentrate on what you can do for yourself from now.
Good luck .. and just know that you're not alone in this. Alot of us have been through similar situations.