What to do..what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
What to do..what to do
3
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 8:50am

Hi all..i'm new here, brand new. I signed up about 20 min. ago.

What would you do if you had a bf of three years, who didn't help out around the house, used "putting a computer graphic design portfolio together so i can get a good job" as a constant excuse to not help out (even if he is super good at it), sleeps most of the time, hasn't had a steady job in years, and can talk circles around any argument i come up with?

That's right...i'm stuck in that situation right now. I've talked with him till i'm blue in the face about this stuff and always get the same answer..."I know i could help out more around here and i will, i'm sorry sweetie." Of course, two weeks later, he's back to old patterns.

He's a nice guy. He never makes me feel worthless. He's supportive of whatever i want to do. He's so blasted smart it makes me sick to see him waste it like this. He's faithful, loving, respectful, honest, and funny. His fatal flaw is laziness.

I've brought up marriage, he avoids the answer. I've brought up kids, he says Someday.

I'm 33, i don't want to wait until someday.

In my heart i know he will never change. He will always be this way unless he gets a wake up call. The only problem is, i'd have to hurt him to do it....by leaving.

i've all but made up my mind to do so. I keep looking for that last shred of hope, for that last piece of possibility.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 11:57am

Have you considered the possibility that he's just not that into you? I mean, he's obviously a bit into you, he's agreed to shacking up after all, but he's not THAT into you, because he isn't willing to even talk about making a real committment to you. He's into you enough to reap the bennifits this relationship brings to him, but he's not THAT into you enough to return and GIVE anything back to you from this relationship.

You say he is respectful, when your examples show the exact opposite. He shows you a complete disrespect by continuing to do/not do these things he knows upset you. If he respected you, he would help out around the house knowing how much you ask him to.

You say he's honest, yet he is dishonest and using "putting a computer graphic design portfolio together so i can get a good job" as an excuse to continue being disrespectful and not helping you around the house. You know it's a lie. You know he isn't doing that every second of the day, and sooner or later wouldn't he be done with that damned portfolio and have a job??

Of course he is supportive of what you want to do. He's got no job, YOU support HIM. You admit he's a smart guy, he knows not to go too far and lose his meal ticket.

"His fatal flaw is laziness"

Well apparently not, it hasn't been fatal yet, you still keep it alive by enabling it. It is a humungus character flaw. You know he'll never change. Why should he? People who are content are NOT motivated to change.

Why are you giving up everything you want out of the relationship? Why are you letting him be sole decider in the future you two should share? You're waiting for that last shred of hope and possibility, why? Why don't you, after three years and shacking up, deserve more than a shred of hope? Why don't you think after all you've given him, that he owes you more than just possibility? Why are you allowing yourself to constantly be in audition for the lucky roll of his wife, instead of seriously questioning yourself on why you'd want him for a husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 1:29pm

Tracers,

Sheesh! I wish they had an emoticon for "adamant".

I totally agree with Angelica. Now show him how smart YOU are and get out of this "relationship" quick! He may never make you feel worthless, but he hasn't done anything to make you feel worthwhile either. It's sickening that he is supportive of whatever you want to do as long, as it doesn't involve him.

Alan Jackson has a song titled, "Someday". Let yourself be the woman in the song and be happy. You have given him enough wake up calls. Let the lazy dog lay where he may, and move on. You won't hurt him. You may actually be doing him a favor as he is too lazy to realize he's not a man.

Mimiche

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 3:44pm
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