what happend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
what happend?
2
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 9:06am
5 years ago i met my ex while he was visiting my country, we fell in love at first glance, and 1 year later, he told me he wanted to marry me.

since then, i've been in a long distance -happy- relationship. we agreed that i would wait for him till he was able to come and settle down in the same country. he had his studies to finish first and i had my career to persue. we used to see each other one or two times a year.

years passed by, and he finally got his degree. and i got myself a great career that holds a bright future for me.

i thought our pain is about to end. now, that he was free of his obligations he would come to me, and we would live happily ever after.

but another year has passed and nothing happened, he kept asking me to wait a little bit more because his parents are both sick and he doesnt wan't to leave them like this.

anyway, i waited a bit more, and still nothing had happend.. so i had a long talk with him. told him that i can't go on like this. that i need to be with him and around him. that i wanted to live a "normal" relationship. so one month later, he packs his bags and comes to visit, he looked for a job here and found a great opportunity, we thought we were living in a dream..

we even announced to both our families -i was his mother's worst nightmare- our new plan. he will come and settle here.

so he went back to his own country to finish stuff before he comes. then a month later he through a bomb on me.. he doesn't want to come anymore. he said that he doesn't want to live his life like an immigrant, and that he wants to feel like a man. that a wife should follow her husband and that i am welcome to be with him, right after he looks for a job and sorts his life out, and that he doesn't want to leave his family!!

he kept telling me that he loves me and that he wants no one to share his life with but me. but he simply can't do what i'm asking for, and i simply can't leave my job now, not before another year or 2.

he asked me to wait a bit more, i asked him to give me a promise, but he said that this was the best thing he could offer.

he even suggested that he will be looking for good jobs at many countries, but not the one i'm living in. insisting that the offer he got was miserable. then he went on blaming me for everything, how i couldn't stand by him and support him.

so, naturally, i had no choice but to break up with him.. and now i'm just so confused!

i took my decision based on all the bad decisions he took in behalf of us. i know i had no other choice but to leave. he was devastated, and he cried, and tried to keep me, but he never offered anything to ease my pain or make me feel a bit secure.

it's been a month now, and no contact has been made from my side. he, however, sent me a message about teo weeks ago saying that it was hard for him to move on, and that he would have preffered to keep my as a FRIEND!! that he misses the friend i was to him!

what is it with guys and the use of this word anyway??!!!

i did not reply, and he never tried contacting me again.

the thing is i just don't understand how fast it all went down the hill..

i miss him, and i hate him, and i love him, and i wish he'll hurt, and suffer!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:28am
Hi


Cheer up! You have made the right decision. I'm so proud of you! He wants to be friends with you, so that whenever something bad happens to him and his world falls apart, like a new girlfriend leaves him, he can fall back on you and get his comfort from you, or he will lose his job and he will come back calling and begging and crying to get back together or meet up as friends and apologizing what an a$$ he was to you. DON’T EVER FALL FOR A NY OF IT!

You stood up for yourself, he wasn't giving you the care and love you deserved, so it's his loss. You deserve a better guy, and I know it's hard, but things will get better for you. Let him live the life he wants. He decided after all he didn't want to move to be with you, so don't put your life on hold for him either.

What an a$$ he wants to feel like a man, but he cannot leave his family to be with the person he claims to love. Do not wait for him to sort his life out, let him do it on his own. Let me see, I love you, but...I don't want to move for you, because I can't be separated from my family, but you can follow me to where I live, b/c I am such a catch and you love me enough to do it too. Oh, by the way, I also am not going to look for a job in the country you live in, so maybe you can follow me around the world, and be a doormat, while I find another woman for whom I will move to Greenland for. Oh, yeah and it's ALL YOUR FAULT!, b/c HE is TRYING SO HARD TO BE A LOVING AND GOOD MAN. Yeah right! BS! Well he gave you an offer, it was his best offer, and guess what? It was not an offer you couldn't refuse.

I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you, but take heart. Do not accept his excuses, him putting blame on you in any way. His actions and decisions led you to a breakup, believe me it is much better this way, b/c he will keep on making excuses.

Don’t be confused, you saw him for who he is and cut him lose, as soon as you realized he cannot be the man you wanted and by the way deserve to be with, so don't beat yourself up for not being a rug he would wipe his feet on.



He is crying now, and devastated but he never showed you he deserved to be with you. Too bad for him. Tell him that friends don't make promises they can’t keep and don’t let each other down and that you have real friends already. If he wants a friend he can go out and meet new people or call one of his guy friends.

So, now that you know what it means when an ex wants to be friends with you, most of the time, it means: I want you to help me through my loneliness and make me feel better b/c you still care about me and feel sorry for me and there is no other girl in my life for now.



As for how fast it went down the hill, he probably thought about things for quite a while, just did not know how to say it to you, and I think if you didn’t break up with him, he would have done it eventually. But the tables have turned, b/c you made a very smart decision not to accept his excuses and crumbs and all of the sudden he ended up alone with no one to talk to and now he is crawling back.


I understand you miss him and hate him, and love him and wish he would get hurt b/c it hurt you to have to make this decision b/c you really wanted things to work out. However, if he could not give you what you need and deserve, you really don't need him in your life. There are so few people in life a person can count on, he didn’t seem to be one of them, go out there and enjoy your life. Eventually you will find the one who will move even to Greenland for you.




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 1:35pm
thanks a million!

your reply helped me get a clearer look on everything. i do not regret my decision, because as you said i'd have only ended up as his doormat, and i have too much pride for that.

it makes me wonder though..

i mean, i know was extra loving and caring, i was sweet and nice to him, but i didn't exactly "need" him in that classic way. so i guess it threatened his manhood?

could that be possible?

and yes, i know it must be very mean of me, but i wish him nothing but suffering and sleepless nights! i wish he'll know how valuable our relationship was and how supportive and loving i have been all these years.. it was when it was my turn to get some support, i looked around for him but he was never there!

again, thanks for the talk..