what happened?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
what happened?
8
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 3:54pm
Hi, I need some advice, I was dating this awesome guy for a little over a month, we spent every weekend together, out to dinner, met his best friends, really close friends, etc, he is a successul contractor, so i met alot of people during this time, he treated me like princess, out to eat, always telling me how beautiful i was, just the best, problem was he went through a horrible divorce not quite 3 years ago, followed almost immediatley by a 2 year live in girlfriend that just ended a month before i met him even though all her stuff wasnt yet out, and he had taken her to dinner a week before we met. they continued to talk when we dated, "as friends" she is the needy type she lost he job during this time, etc. and he wanted to be friends, which i had no problem with. then everything was great, better then great when I left his house on sunday, then all off a sudden he ended it, he told me that she had stopped to get her mailon Monday and she told him her life was falling apart, etc, all week she talked to him about her problems, he said he was concentrating so much on her, and then he ended it saying he got scared because he really really liked me. he had told me all these things he wanted to do with me, plans for the next 6 months at least. I think he just isn't over her, not enough toget back together, but enough to break us up. god i miss him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
In reply to: alexmike1
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 5:01pm
Moving too fast the first month of dating is a huge red flag. That "attachment" stage is generally followed by a sudden dettachment like in this case. You both spent every waking moment together, he talked plans 6 months in advance, he intorduced you to his friends and such...too much in one month and no time to get to know each other. He was divorced and lived with a GF for 2 years and had broken up with her a month prior to meeting you and had gone out to dinner with her one week before you...hmmmm. The man is still involved with his ex. He broke it up with you because he still feels for his ex. In addition, it appears that the man is dysfuctional if he's going to be responsible for his Ex's problems and life falling apart. He's not emotionally healhty at all. She's needy or a victim and he's the care taker, codependent relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
In reply to: alexmike1
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 5:26pm


oh my gosh, this must be very painful for you and i completely empathize with what you must be going through.
i think the only thing you can do in a situation such as this, is wait it out for awhile and see what happens. if the relationship between you & this guy is meant to be, it will be. don't pressure him, just try and live your life as best you can right now, use friends for support, get out as much as you can, and be good to yourself. above all, let him make the first move in contacting you if that is what he chooses to do. if not, obviously there is nothing you can or could have done about it. i know this is very hard but you must tell yourself if his feelings for you are that strong, he will realize it, and you can pick up with him and continue where you left off.
its unfortunate that he still appears to have been emotionally involved with her ex when he began seeing you. know that you are not alone, similar situations have happened to all of us. be strong, you can get through this.

best of luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: alexmike1
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 10:09pm

Hey Hun,

Sorry your dealing with this. It sounds like a whirlwind thing! I honestly can say that it SOUNDS like he was NOT ready for you or a relationship! I'd say ~ pretty simply....let this happen because even if this girl didn't come back to him, he certainly wasn't ready to plan 6 months in advance on a relationship! Sounds like he "rushed" to get your relationship ahead quicker....it sounds like a replacement girlfriend (sorry if that sounds harsh)....I think he needs TIME, maybe you should give it & see if you hear from him again when he is READY! Ready for YOU!

Take Care & Big Hugs, Sweetie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
In reply to: alexmike1
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 6:44pm
hi again, i have a little update, i saw this guy at the grocery store, it was like i practically ran into him, couldn't hide, anyway, he was cool at first, then i had to ask what happened? this was last sunday a week after the breakup, when he called then he was like i really really like you, maybe we can slow things down, i just have to get my head straight, then he did metion his ex being around with all her problems that week, anyway, at the store, he said, I just don't want to be involved with anyone right now, and that he was talking to his ex alot, he said "I just woke up one day and thought something was off that we just didn't make a good couple." of course he did not look at me at all when he said it, and there is no way that is true. he even said when i saw him last everything was great, the only thing that happened is his ex was around. anyway, i got home and it bothered me alot, there is no way he just woke up and thought that. anyway, he called and i asked him again about it, i said this is not about us, this is about you not being over her isnt it? he said first, "I dont know anything about anything" then he said i was probably right. i don't think he wants to admit it, because none of his friends & family like her after they know how she has treated him, anyway, i told him that was ok, that we are still friends and if he ever wants to talk he can call, he said I really appreciate you understanding. i figure that is all i can be for now anyway, we talked about some other things,anyway tell me what you think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
In reply to: alexmike1
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 3:33am
Hi, Thanks for your response, I think it is very accurate. But even though it was too fast, you know how you just "know" his feelings were very real for me, i am certain he has very strong feelings for me, and I know they did not just go away. i have never been more sure of anything, and he told me he how much i meant to him and he did not want to lose our friendship etc. and he is one of the nicest guys ever, not just according to me. I know the reason is because of his ex. But i didn't call of anything for like 12 days, the i emailed him a question about Kurt Vonnegut the author that just died, nothing personal at all, not even "how are you" anyway he hasn't replied, which i think is strange for him. then i saw him out, friday nite and hed never came over to say hi, i was talking to a guy when he walked in, but still, I think he has major feelings for me still or he would be able to be all about being friends. I really believe he isn't communicating because he's afraid everything will start back up again, his feelings did not go away. it just because of his ex and that situation. he has know idea i feel like this for him as i left it at I want you to be happy and if that is with "ex" then that is cool & i hope you & "ex" work everything out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
In reply to: alexmike1
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 10:57am

The bond that kept you and this man together during the one month you dated is clearly not as strong as the one that continues to keep him attached to his ex-girlfriend.

If this man is serious about having a relationship with you, his ex's personal circumstance and character won't have any impact his life in the "present tense", and the woman who he is supposedly sharing it with (that would be you... the woman he started dating AFTER he ended his relationship with his FORMER girlfriend).

If reality is to the contrary, you have to accept what you see playing out in front of you: his ex is still has a priority place in his life.

If he isn't ready to make you his number 1 priority, don't push the matter, and don't get lost in trying to analyze a matter which is his to resolve.

mblade2006

"Just because everything is different 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
In reply to: alexmike1
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 11:16am

You are 100% right. I know that, the ex is obviously a priority over me, and i know it is because they were together alot longer, and he was not over her when we started up. I'm just saying his feelings for me did not just go away and i am not waiting, but I think if he would b completely done with her, which I think he will, there is a very strong possibility he will come back, as his feelings never changed for me. I'm not trying to analyze it, I just know what i know, there is no way I could compete with is ex as she has history with him on her side as I do not. it is his move.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
In reply to: alexmike1
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 6:36pm
I guess my question is why is he not being friendly? I mean he is not being mean, but as far as he knows I am totally ok with being frends? so why no response to the email? I know it isn't because she told him not to talk to me or anything like that. I think its because he still has more feelings for then "friends" and its too hard for him. anyone have any insight? he is the one who was " you really mean a lot to me & i don't want to lose our friendship, everything i told you was sincere, i just have a million different emotions going on right now & I'm just trying o sort through them" don't worry I haven't done anything else to contact him, i just thought total " friend" email so what's the problem?