What Happened

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
What Happened
10
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 12:06am
What Happened?
I was reunited after 18 years with my love of a lifetime; unfortunetly he lived 800 miles away but we started communicating at least every other day and realized that we were still madly in love with each other. We planned for him to relocate back home(his idea) and start a life together, then one day he didn't call as usual, then another, then he wouldn't return my calls- no explaination - no clue- he just vanished- He called once in between saying he was very busy and a little tired and so sorry for not calling then again nothing for 3 weeks. WHY would someone do this, I know he loved me and I know he has always had commitment issues but this time we were even better together then ever- we talked in ways we never did before and really communicted, I think thats why I am so perplexed-then he's gone without a word. What do I do? I still love him and I do feel he loves me-My mind says forget but I soulfully love this man. Any Advice??? Please!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: tazzie2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 12:16am

Hi! Read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter. It's the definitive explanation of this commitment issue.

I've been in this same situation but with a woman.

Simply put, if you say he has commitment issues---they don't go away.

Yes things seemed great when he was 800 miles away. The further away he was, the easier it was to say the things he did. To be "madly in love".

But the minute it became "real" for him, he disappeared.

Cut the cord, disconnect, find a healthier partner closer to home,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
In reply to: tazzie2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 8:55am
Thank you for your reply, I do understand this fear of his and I can accept this, what I can't understand is how can the one person who knows me better then anyone and told me how much he loves me just vanish without a word. He did this 18 years ago- we discussed it this time around and he swore he would never do this again. Last time he shows up 8 months later with the "sorry's" and I can't help but expect that this time. I quess the problem I'm having is how can a man just vanish???
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tazzie2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 10:31am

The book He's Scared, She's Scared (or Men Who Can't Love, also by Steven Carter) will help you understand. The author calls it the "Houdini" syndrome.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
In reply to: tazzie2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 10:12pm
I will read this book asap but what I really want to know is how do I get him and I back on track. I would call, e-mail, text but "been there-done that" and still nothing. I feel he thinks he's doing me a favor by skipping out on me, because he's afraid of the changes that we would need to make to be together and that he cannot make me happy which is totally wrong. All I know is I need to get him back into my life even if he's there and I'm here-that was so much better that nothing. A mutual friend called me from where he lives and was concerned about why he's been so stressed, so I know he is bothered by this but still no calls. what can i do now?
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tazzie2006
Sat, 05-06-2006 - 10:24am

This is tough love. He is right. He cannot make you happy; only you can make yourself happy. And he probably is doing you a favor in the long run by ending the relationship, if he is a commitmentphobe, which it sounds like he is. You cannot make him be in any kind of relationship with you if he does not want to be. It takes two to make a relationship.

The book should explain a lot of this to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
In reply to: tazzie2006
Sat, 05-06-2006 - 1:57pm
Thanks for the reply- I know I need to move on but I love him in my soul and have for 18 years and I honestly feels he does too- what a shame and a waste. Hopefully I don't call him again. Part of me wants to tell him off but thats probably also pointless- Lets move in together one day-vanish the next-unbelievable!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
In reply to: tazzie2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 9:06pm
wanting to text msg or call hime tonight I miss him- how can a person just walk away??????????
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tazzie2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 10:00pm
Believe me, I know the anguish and disbelief. I knew my Ex for 10 years as a friend and 6 as a boyfriend. And he has found someone else in just two months. I love him in my soul, too, and I know he loves me still. But he is not in love with me and he is a c-phobe, so I have no choice but to heal myself and move on. Love is not enough to make him love me in the way I need or make him healthy, without counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
In reply to: tazzie2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 10:41am
Sorry About your breakup! I do know It is painfull, especially since mine vanished without a trace, We were friends for so long and it don't help that there is 800 miles between us, I just can't grasp how he literally loved me one day/HE wanted to move home-his suggestion/then gone. I realize he must have gotten scared but why not just say it. I could have continued to just be close friends but was never even given the choice. what makes a person whom you've known 18 years-we're not kids-act sooooooo ignorantly. If anybody has any insight I would appreciate it. I plan on calling him sometime this week since I haven't tried in two weeks and act sweet and as strictly friends-if he even answers his phone. I know this sounds screwed up but I want to douse him with kindness because I know he expects me to be mad. ANY OPINIONS??????
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tazzie2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 6:11pm
Two things strike me about your post: the fact that he is 800 miles away and the fact that he bolted at the time he was planning to move home. The distance relationship and the timing of when he vanished both are the behavior of a commitmentphobe. It doesn't seem to matter how long one has been with these people; that does not factor into their decision to run because what is driving them is their absolute terror of commitment. It has nothing to do with you and they probably do love YOU; is it the commitment, the forever that scares them to death and the only emotion they feel is fear, which results in flight.
The book, Men Who Can't Love, is the bible on this type of behavior. You might read it and see if you think it applies to your situation.