What happened?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
What happened?
12
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 4:43pm
Ok . . . here it goes. I have been dating a truly wonderful guy for a little over a year. We get along perfectly, enjoy all of the same hobbies, get alng well with each other's friends, family, etc. We really enjoy our time together - laughing, etc. He has a heart of gold and treats me like a queen. Now for the bad part. About a month ago I started noticing little things - like he didn't reach for my hand as often or kiss me as often. He only tells me he loves me when I say it first. At first, I thought I must be imagining things and making a big deal out of nothing, so I didn't say anything. However, it just kept happeneing. So, this past Sunday night he came over for a brief visit and I asked him point-blank if he was in love with me. Not in a hateful tone, not in a pathetic tone, just in a conversational tone. He looked at me and didn't say a word for about thirty seconds. And then he said "I love you tremendously, but I just don't think I am in love with you. I don't know if we are right for each other." OK. After about a four hour discussion of why we may not be right for each other (which consisted of him saying fifty different ways that I need someone who is less busy than he is and who can love me the way I deserve to be loved - "to be treated better than a queen" whatever that is supposed to mean), he left (and took the personal items he had at my house with him, at my suggestion). The following day, I went to his house to pick up my things. The next night he stopped by my house - unexpectedly and unnanounced - "to see my dog" and stayed for about thirty minutes without bringing up ANYTHING then hugged me when he left. He has called me every night since then and "chatted" about nothing in particular. Every night before we get off the phone he says he loves me but is confused about what he is supposed to be doing and whether or not I am the one God has intended for him to spend his life with. WHAT IS GOING ON? ADVICE? I am miserable, but not contacting him at all. I am open and "cheery" when he contacts me, but I don't know how long I can keep this up. Worst of all, his birthday is this Sunday and I don't know what I should do . . . ask if he wants to go to dinner? Give him a gift? A card? Not contact him at all? Ick.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 5:53pm

hmmm...well if he is not "in love" with you then what is he confused about? i think it's a great step to not contact him. and i think the next step should be to not pick up when he calls. he is just leading you on & sending mixed signals. i'm sure he's confused as to why he doesn't feel "in love" with a great person like yourself, but until he figures things out for himself, i think you should avoid speaking with him.

hang in there! as for the b-day...my ex's bday was yesterday (we broke up 2 months ago). i sent him a non-personal gift (CDs and a book) & card in the mail. he emailed to thank me. and i was glad i did it. i love him very much & i know he loves me as a person (he's just not "in love" with me), so it was something that i wanted to do for someone i care about. hope you're doing better! take care!!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 7:43pm

He needs to fish or cut bait here...it's totally unfair of him to keep you hanging. If he's not in love with you, then you need to move on (I'm assuming you *want* someone who's in love with you, right?). Cut off contact and tell him to get in touch if and when he decides he *is* in love with you and is ready to commit to your relationship 100%.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 10:55pm
Thank you so much for your advice. You are right, I do want someone who is in love with me. I have decided to go out of town this weekend with a girlfriend, her new beau and a group of his friends (mixed group of couples, singles, guys and gals) to go snowskiing. And I bought the "ex" a book and a card that I plan to leave on his front porch on my way out of town. May text message him a happy birthday on Sunday. And I believe not taking his calls is good advice. Don't know if I will be able to do it if he calls tonight, but surely by next week (when I return from skiing) I will be stronger. Will keep you posted. Thanks again for telling me what I didn't want to hear, but needed to hear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 1:59pm

I just recently (as of this past Tuesday actually) was dumped by the guy I thought was the one, we were going to spend our lives together. We had been deeply entrenched in each other's lives since our first meeting. We only dated for four months, but we spent every available minute together and even talked about living together and then last week he started pulling away. I called him on it on Monday and he wanted to get together to talk. Now mind you even though he was pulling away we still kept our weekend dates and spent time with his family, cuddled and did all the things we would normally do together.

But then we go to dinner on Sunday and he drops the bomb on me that he really likes me and cares about me, but just doesn't think we shoud be in a relationship. Then he says he doens't know if he is doing the right thing and isn't breaking up with me, just telling me how he feels right now.

I knew as soon as the words came out of his mouth that he doesn't feel that way about me that I was not sticking around for anything else. By telling you that he doesn't think he is in love with you, he is giving you all of the answers you need to know. How are you supposed to be able to move on with him still taking up space in your life? You have to be fair to yourself and tell him that you need time without him and that when you figure out if you can handle just being his friend you will contact him. From your post I did not see anything about him asking you to spend time with him, so put yourself first and tell him that you need this to be over unless he is ready to commit to you.

Only time away from the situation will give you clarity on whether this is worth making yourself miserable over or not. I want to call my guy every waking minute, but I have some great friends who are helping me through this and in the end only you can make yourself happy.

Cheer up, as much as I am tired of hearing it, there is someone who will make you happy out there and when you find the perfect one he will never make you doubt his feelings for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 5:48pm
I agree I don't think you should have contact with him. He just want's his cake and to eat it to. He wants to be available to date other women and still get the old comfort from your company. What most women don't understand is that generally men need us more than we need them. We usually have a good support system with great sympathetic women friends men don't. So he is being especially self-centered by using you to help him feel better during this hard time that he created!!! Don't do it. He will in turn respect you more in the end by being the strong independant woman that is not his doormat - you can do it! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 6:02pm

its crunch time, does he care about you enough to give you a bit more commitment?

if he is right about loving you, then a time away (nil contact) will allow him to think things through, theres little (nada) you can do to influence his decision though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 12:29am
Just got back from a great ski trip (sans the guy, of course)! Still miss him and hate that I didn't speak to him on his birthday (Sunday). However, trying to stay strong. Talked to him on Friday night - told him that I thought it was a good idea if we didn't have any communication for a while. He tried to explain ONE MORE TIME what he was feeling . . . that he loves me, can't stand not seeing how my day went, etc., but that he is "afraid" that he isn't in love with me because he gets aggravated at me for little things (not that he has told me when the things happen). Anyway . . . I love him and really think he is a good fit for me, but only time will tell if he misses me enough to let go of the little things that aggravate him. Meanwhile, I am going to try to not think about the situation and maybe it will either improve or by the time I dwell on it again, it will be less painful. A slight touch of denial is OK for a week or so, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 8:31am

Geez, if he can't be in a relationship without something about the other person aggravating him, he's going to be in for a long, lonely life. Whether a person is "in love" with another person or not has nothing to do with whether or not that person ever gets on your nerves. But I guess when you're enough in love with someone you're willing to overlook those little things because you can't live without them. I think in the beginning of any relationship you don't see those little things but as time goes on and you grow closer, the day-to-day stuff starts becoming more noticeable. But this is going to happen in any relationship and if he equates little things bothering him with not being in love with someone, he's going to always have this problem in relationships. I guess the key is whether or not he can live without you and this time apart should tell him that...

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 6:37pm

Thank you, Steph. Those are my thoughts, too.

He was kind enough to volunteer to keep my dog this past weekend while I went skiing, so I let him. He brought my dog home yesterday while I was at work (yes, he has a key to my house). While he was here, he left me a rose (which he had cut and put in a wine glass of water) and a very sweet card saying that he missed me, was thinking about me, hoped I had a great trip. Signed it with a heart and his name.

I have no idea how to respond to him. I sent him a text message that simply said "thank you." That seemed so impersonal, but I thought we had decided not to contact each other - that he needed time and space to figure things out.

Then, I noticed in the guest bathroom that he had evidently been here crying - there was an absolute TON of crumpled tissue in the wastebasket (which was empty before). And then I went into the master bath and noticed that he had taken some artificial flowers that I have and turned them upside down (a thing he used to do to "aggravate" me). It's like he wanted to remind me what life was like with him here or something. I don't know.

How do I give him space without feeling like I am just sitting around waiting for him? How do I not sit around and wait for him, yet have an open heart when he figures out that he is being ridiculous assuming that because little things (like my squeezing the toothpaste in the middle instead of from the end) get on his nerves, that he is not "in love"? And, if and when he figures this out, how can I trust that I doesn't freak out like this again in a few months and hurt me all over again?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 6:44pm

I don't think you *can* wait. You have to move on in the meantime (and that means stopping all contact). He may figure it out, but he may not, and if he does, you'll be in a much better position to evaluate him (and his sincerity and capability to love you) more objectively if you move on in the meantime.

Sheri

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