What happened?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
What happened?
12
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 4:43pm
Ok . . . here it goes. I have been dating a truly wonderful guy for a little over a year. We get along perfectly, enjoy all of the same hobbies, get alng well with each other's friends, family, etc. We really enjoy our time together - laughing, etc. He has a heart of gold and treats me like a queen. Now for the bad part. About a month ago I started noticing little things - like he didn't reach for my hand as often or kiss me as often. He only tells me he loves me when I say it first. At first, I thought I must be imagining things and making a big deal out of nothing, so I didn't say anything. However, it just kept happeneing. So, this past Sunday night he came over for a brief visit and I asked him point-blank if he was in love with me. Not in a hateful tone, not in a pathetic tone, just in a conversational tone. He looked at me and didn't say a word for about thirty seconds. And then he said "I love you tremendously, but I just don't think I am in love with you. I don't know if we are right for each other." OK. After about a four hour discussion of why we may not be right for each other (which consisted of him saying fifty different ways that I need someone who is less busy than he is and who can love me the way I deserve to be loved - "to be treated better than a queen" whatever that is supposed to mean), he left (and took the personal items he had at my house with him, at my suggestion). The following day, I went to his house to pick up my things. The next night he stopped by my house - unexpectedly and unnanounced - "to see my dog" and stayed for about thirty minutes without bringing up ANYTHING then hugged me when he left. He has called me every night since then and "chatted" about nothing in particular. Every night before we get off the phone he says he loves me but is confused about what he is supposed to be doing and whether or not I am the one God has intended for him to spend his life with. WHAT IS GOING ON? ADVICE? I am miserable, but not contacting him at all. I am open and "cheery" when he contacts me, but I don't know how long I can keep this up. Worst of all, his birthday is this Sunday and I don't know what I should do . . . ask if he wants to go to dinner? Give him a gift? A card? Not contact him at all? Ick.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 9:54am

The answer to all your questions is, "You can't." The healing process is a gradual one. Picture your heart having this big glass window. The longer time you spend away from him and work on YOU, the more that window starts to close. You can leave it cracked a little, but the more amount of time he takes to come back to you, the more damage it's going to do to the relationship if he does manage to squeeze his body through that little crack in the window. Yes, you will ALWAYS doubt his feelings for you, even in a tiny part of your mind, and you will always have that little bit of fear that it will happen again. But if he does come back to you and really, convincingly, lets you know that he can't live without you, you'll know he did it after some deep soul-searching and it will make your love even stronger. I just think he needs to do it before that window gets too far lowered...

By the way, why do you assume the crumpled tissue in the wastebasket means he was crying? Someone HAD to say it. Hope I can at least make you smile a little...

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 10:41pm

Well . . . I suppose you have a point. :) Either he was crying, has a really bad cold, or was just messing with me. The comment did make me smile. Thanks.

I agree with your advice that the more time goes by, the harder it will be for me to trust him again. I think that is one of the reasons I am so sad. I know that even if he comes to me tomorrow and tells me what a terrible mistake he has made, he misses me terribly, etc., it will probably never be the same. A seed of doubt has been planted - and - well, I suppose it is kind of like cudzu vine - it is very, very, very difficult to get rid of . . . I suffered through a broken engagement several, several years ago. When we tried to get back together and work things out, I could never quite get past the fact that he had had severe enough doubts (or cold feet) to walk out of my life. I guess I am afraid that that would be the case this time, too.

I did not hear from him at all yesterday. Was up and down about it - one minute OK, the next devastated. Then, out of the blue today he sent me a very sweet e-card saying that he misses me, hopes my week is going well, etc. It made me feel better. If I am having to go through this, at least he is too. Misery loves company, right?

Thank you for your advice, Stephie. Are you by chance a counselor? If not, you should consider a career change . . .

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