What happened and What is happening?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
What happened and What is happening?
8
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 11:56am

Sandra and others,


I tend to not read these things if they're long, but please read on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 1:19pm

Hi kristina,


First off, I'm flattered you'd ask for me personally, that means a lot

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 5:01pm

Welcome to the board kristina_ct,


I just wanted to welcome you to the board and ask if you took Sandra's advice and if so, how was dinner?????






iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 4:27pm

Ok...well by the time I decided I should call him, it was too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 5:06pm

Hi xxhopexx,


I'm hoping Sandra will have time to reply to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 5:20pm

I was thinking that same thing!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2007
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 8:54am

I am the original poster

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 11:58pm

I'll get to your other post in this thread in a bit, this one has a whole lot in it I'd like to look at with you. I think maybe you're still not getting the idea of vulnerability. For some it comes easy, for people like you and me, we have to actually work at it ;)

What I meant by tell him what's going on inside was to tell him what's going on with YOU, not what you think is going on with HIM. Riddle me this chica, just what part of this next discussion is supposed to help him fall back in love with you? I'm going to insert my comments along the way.

....."I told him that there were two things I wanted to say at the risk of sounding like I was trying to convince him he should be with me, I am just sharing two things that I think would help him in general in life.".....
One, as soon as you tell someone what you don't want them to think, that's exactly what they're gong to think. Two, no man, young or old, wants to be told how to improve, especially not by the woman in his life. He wants to think the woman he's with thinks he's the cat's meow.

....."The first was that he's never been in a long-term relationship before.".....
"So I know better than you," you may as well have said.

....."I told him that he has to throw out all his expectations of what a relationship "should be" and just focus on whether he's happy or not with "what it actually is". That relationships sometimes do hit these different stages, where you may question one thing or another, but with love you work together toward getting through those stages and coming out the other side.".....
This is all true, and all great stuff for him to hear --- from his best buddy or his therapist. Never become the guy's therapist. Don't break him down to himself, it's a form of criticism and if you're going to criticize a guy, don't date him.

....."The second thing I said, was that it would do him good to be more positive in life.".....
"Because you're just such a bummer," you could have finished.

....."That in general he finds the flaw in everyone. His family, friends, co-workers, etc. so that I'm not surprised that after two years with me, that he would start seeing my flaws, be them minor or not. I said that he tends to have a negative mindframe not only toward people, but toward many things in life.".....
Again with the Dr. Phil. Let a guy figure this stuff out for himself. And he probably won't get to it when you want him to, but he's definitely not going to get there just because you told him how he's doing it all wrong.

I know you're thinking at this point, "Sandra's wrong, she wasn't there to see how he held my hand and kissed me, how he looked into my eyes." True, I wasn't there for that (that would be a whole 'nother board on iVillage!), but, I'm just letting you know what does and does not work over the long haul, and telling him the myriad ways he's messing up isn't it.

Then you shared a special evening (pause for effect) and then the next morning got all cerebral on him all over again. He patiently listens to you while you "break it all down for him" again about how 'you care but you know it doesn't change things (Oh no? How so? You're sure about this?) blah blah blah...' basically, he's trying to create a moment and you're sitting there being all "empowered" and unknowingly throwing a bucket of cold water on the whole thing and the bucket is labeled "Miss Independent."

New rule for you:
Tell him what you think all you want about politics, about socio-economic reform, about the sad state of the education system in the US, about world hunger, about Britney's latest meltdown, about whatever.... But when you want to talk to him about your relationship, only tell him about how you FEEL. Not how you feel about how he's doing things wrong, but just how YOU feel. The question is: CAN YOU DO THAT?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2007
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 2:34am

Wow, it's so exciting and bittersweet to actually find a relationship that sounds salvageable on these boards!