What is happening?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
What is happening?
1
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 6:19pm

Any advice is MUCH appreciated here...

So my bf & I have been together for about a year & a month. We're both students, from different states, and have been trying to figure out if there's a place we can compromise on living. But, I want to be with him, and so we just decided to live together next year during our last year of school. Well, we go apartment hunting, everything is fine, then the next day he needs to have a serious talk, says that he feels like he makes me miserable (I've been depressed lately) and that he doesn't know that he will ever want to live anywhere but CA so we might as well break up now because it's easier now rather than later?!?!?! I am so confused and so hurt.

Initially when the living together thing came up I was scared, but then was REALLY excited about moving in together. So for this to happen the next day is so confusing. We left it that we aren't broken up, but he's taking time to think if he can actually live anywhere else. I'm willing to move somewhere with him, but I have lived in CA before & didn't like it. So this is all basically whether he can handle moving and being away from his friends.

I just don't know what to do - I don't know what this means. I love him and I want to be with him. But now I feel betrayed and like it's over. He's thinking, but I'm worried if he comes back & says that he wants to be with me I'm not going to believe him, because everything in the past has indicated that he really just wants to be in CA. Can he change? If he comes back and says that he wants to try should I believe him? Or am I just postponing the inevitable? Advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:57am

Question for you: Which is more important to you, being right or being happy? Because believe it or not, you are doing to him exactly what he is doing to you, which is to make some knd of ultimatum about where you will live. Same way as he's saying he doesn't knwo whether he can live anyhere but California, you are saying you don't feel you can live there. What is is about that state that has this grip on each of you, anyway? It's just a place. One like any other. I lived there half my life and thought I could never live anywhere else. Many years and about five states later, I can tell you it's a place just like any other, no better, no worse. Any place you live is **what you make of it.** Home isn't a state on the map, it's a state of mind. Truth is, you don't know where you will permanently live, you can make guesses, you can make choices, but no one can make guarantees. So to me, it's kind of odd to say, "I will never live " because you just don't know for sure.

So again, what is more important to you, this grudge you have against a whole state, or, the love you say you have for this man? If you show you can be open and non-limiting about where you will go with him, you'll probably find he's much more at ease and non-limiting about where he will go with you. A discussion that is more open-minded and open-ended about this can probably work a few miracles, try it and see if it doesn't work.

Best of luck, I know this must have thrown you for a loop.

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

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