What have I done!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
What have I done!
3
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 10:14pm
Hi All -

I wrote a few weeks ago seeking advice on getting my ex-boyfriend out of the house. I packed him up and changed the locks. But I had a hard time breaking all contact with him. The weekend before last, I made the mistake of trying to have one last night with him. Things turned pretty ugly, I got a little banged up, and I called the police and had them remove him from my house. Last Friday, I felt this urge to see him which I tried so hard to talk myself out of. But I couldn't do it. So I asked him to meet me at a karaoke bar. Things were pretty amicable. An acquantance of ours was there alone, and I invited her to join us. We had a really good time, and when she left, she gave me her phone number so we could get together for a girl's night. I was really happy about making a new friend. I don't have that many; I've had major trust issues since meeting him. Well, when I told him, he said not to trust her, she's not my friend, she just wants him. I told him he's either way too full of himself or playing really cruel mind games with me. I told him goodbye and left. He called yesterday, wanting to get together. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. I also had plans with my parents in the afternoon and plans with my new friend in the evening. But I told him he could call me around 6. He didn't, which I was relieved about. So I was out with my friend, and he called me from an unfamiliar number. He said he wanted to meet me where we were. I told him I didn't want him to. I asked him where he was calling from; he was at a friend's house down the street from my house. He said he would wait at my house for me to come home. I told him not to. I told him we couldn't be together anymore. He called me again, but I didn't answer. Called the bar I was at, and I didn't take the call. When I got home around 1, he called me 6 times. He said he didn't want to live without me. He's staying with his wife now, who he's been separated from for several years. He lived with me for the past two. I tried to call her cell so she could keep him from doing something stupid, but I couldn't get through. I thought of calling the police, but it didn't seem like the best idea at the time. I called his sister and his mother. His sister finally called me back this morning and told me he had slit his wrists, but the wife patched him up with butterfly stitches, so it wasn't all that serious. Then I talked to his mother, and found out he'd lost quite a bit of blood. He had also either gotten into a fight last night or beat himself up, which he has threatened to do before and accuse me of. Well, he went through with his threat. He called me tonight, just as I was starting to write this. He said he didn't want to go on living without me. So while I was on the phone with him, I called his wife on another phone and told her he was going to do it again, so she finally called an ambulance - 16 hours after he slit his wrists!!! She starts bitching at me to stay away from him. I told her I hadn't seen him since Friday, but she bought his story about me beating him up last night. What a mess! I know in my head it's not my fault. And I know the best thing for him is for us to have no contact at all. Which I have every intention of doing. I feel like if I hadn't answered the phone that last time, though, he may have gone through with it. I can't handle this much responsibility! And I know he's not my responsibility. I just can't figure out how to stop feeling so bad about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 1:36am


Wow....I feel for you, girl! I don't have much advice to help you stop feeling bad, but it wounds like this guy is trying to seriousy mess with your head, besides the fact that he's got some serious mental issues himself. This guy needs professional help -- nothing you can say or do will help him, as I am sure you realize.

I don't have a degree in psych or anything, but this definitely sounds like a chemical thing that has gotten very messed up in his brain -- you shouldn't feel bad because this is something way bigger than a relationship issue. You're doing the right thing and it's clear that you DO know what's best for you both.


~* Kristen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 10:13pm
annie-

What you are describing here is WAY beyond what an internet message board can help you with (CL- help me out here??)

You need to contact the authorities IMMEDIATELY -- this man has hurt you physically and is capable of hurting himself. You need to get a restraining order against him and the wife so the next time he is stalking you at a bar or at your house, you have the law on your side. Do NOT be manipulated by his threats -- PROTECT YOURSELF.

Your story is tragic -- PLEASE get the legal support you need NOW before you become a statistic. And please keep us posted when you have done this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:28pm
Dear Seamus -

Thank you so much for your advice. I've spoken with several friends, and even his mother, who all advised the same thing. I will definitely be taking out a stay-away order first thing tomorrow. It's unclear right now whether a restraining order would be granted, but I'll know tomorrow. I'm doing this for his own good, as well. I've spoken to some of his family members and friends who have told me he still intends on getting back together with me. This is the only way to let him know there's no way it's going to happen. I spoke to his wife and told her I intended on getting the restraining order. She has more experience with abusive relationships than I do, and told me there's no way I'd get one; the best I could get would be a stay-away order. Anyway, she talked to him and told him my plans. So I think this is the last I'll hear from him. I'm so sad that this is the way we have to say our last goodbye, though. He called me 7 times tonight from the hospital, and I didn't answer any of his calls. I did try to tell him goodbye several times before, but he never accepted it, and ended up slicing his wrists. Oh, I feel so devastated! His family are all judging me based on what his wife, who hates me, is telling them. They have no idea what I've been through. But there's been a drug-related murder in his family recently, and after what he's put them through on top of it, it's just not appropriate to burden them with my side of the story. But I feel like I'm getting all these arrows shot in my back, when all I try to do is the right thing.