What is he doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
What is he doing?
5
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 5:14pm

Okay so I have posted a couple of times about the guy in my grad school program who broke up with me three weeks ago. I started out by being cordial to him and only speaking to him when I had to. The tension was getting pretty thick in class and then last week he called me after class and I told him I couldn't be his friend, that he broke up with me and I couldn't make it easier on him simply because he asked. He doesn't want to be with me, he wants to work things out with his ex, fine, but he doesn't get to know me like that right now. Anyway, he continued to send me emails, instant message me. Call me. Then during class last night I sat by him. I actually felt much better by doing that because I didn't have to think about him behind me in class. I acted like he and I had never had anything between us and was really "breezy" with him. After class he called me and thanked me for being so nice to him. He said "that must have been hard for you" and I said it wasn't hard at all. I said I was on my way somewhere (which was actually a date) and I needed to get going. I was like Bye! and he stammered. Then this morning I got to work and I had this big email from him about how his stomach sank when he heard me say I wasn't going home and he thinks I am settling for other guys. I know he is not back together with his ex and he hasn't even tried to get back together. He has said he was afraid I would run back to one of my exes and he was afraid of so many things. I think he used going back to his ex as an excuse to run away from me. He has sent me 15 emails so far today (we used to exchange emails all day ... making jokes, etc.) and now he is right back to doing that. He said he could smell my perfume last night and the smell lingers with him, etc. Then in the next breath he said he doesn't expect me not to move on ... then he is back to talking about having feelings for me.

Is he just totally confused or what? Does it sound like he is still interested in me? I have never had someone stop seeing me and then email me every single day multiple times. This is getting easier for me because I am starting to care less and less ... even though I do still have feelings for him. What's his deal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 5:41pm

Sounds like he is a little confused emotionally and he is confusing you in the process. If I were you and still had feelings for the guy, I would point blank ask "Do you want to get back together or not?" If he answers "no" then tell him to leave you alone and being friends with him right now is too much for you to handle. If he answers "yes" then you need to decide if this guy is right for you and if you want to give it another try.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 5:43pm

Here's the thing, he's used to sharing the details, thoughts and feelings of his daily life with you. Now that you are broken up, he's not remembering that he gave up the right to share all those things with you when he broke up with you. So he's sharing all raw emotion he feels with you, about you, about life, about the relationship, about the break-up, etc. It doesn't mean he's confused per se. It means he's processing his emotions and he doesn't know what to do with them. And if he didn't tell you those thoughts and feelings and waited 24 hours before sharing, trust me, some of those feelings wouldn't be valid after the waiting period.

All this is part of the grief process. You will have to be the one to set boundaries and enforce them. You can get though it if you aren't at the whim of his emotions.




Edited 11/15/2006 5:44 pm ET by itwinflame


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 5:55pm

He's being a selfish jerk, that's what he's doing, IMO!!! He doesn't want you, but he sure as heck doesn't want anyone else to have you.

I would make it clear to him that he is welcome to talk to you about it if and when he makes up his mind he wants to try again, and if you're available, you'll consider it, but in the meantime, I'd block him from emailing or texting you and go back to being polite only. He's taking advantage of your niceness, I think.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 6:18pm

yap guys are like that....they are eager to talk to us more if we start ignoring them...just like myex i stop calling him and for some reason he start calling me....WEIRD RIGHT???

so for your situation KEEP IT UP!!! THE MORE YOU IGNORE HIM.....THE MORE HE WILL RUN AFTER YOU..."TRUST ME"...GOOD LUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 12:59pm

Well, do you want him back or not?

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