What he said during breakup that lingers
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| Sat, 05-19-2007 - 1:10pm |
I've posted before about my breakup. Recap: ended last month after a very easy, enjoyable, drama-free two years. I am 27, he is 33. He said that he was not sure what he wants, unsure of me, our future, etc. It was hard and unexpected and not planned. What started as conversation about his anxiety and us led to dissolution. We have not been in contact. I am not doing too great with it all.
One thing that he said when we wound up breaking up has stayed with me. I think about it every day. And it really hurts, even though it wasn't intended to be hurtful. He said that "I've been concerned for awhile that we are very different, we like things the way we like them, and I think we look at the world in very different ways."
It's true, we are different. But not in any way that caused problems, in my mind. I am very planned and like things scheduled and done in advance. He is very unplanned and very "big picture." Waking up on a Saturday with the whole day open is his dream; it is my nightmare. I'm very clean and organized, he's pretty sloppy. He is a dreamer, very positive. I am very rational and cautious. You get the picture. But these are not fatal flaws in my eyes -- it was a balance. What hurts the most is that he said that we look at the world in very different ways. It makes me feel horrible, that the way I live my life and how I approach it is wrong, or immature. He is incredibly accomplished -- great career and finances, has a million things going on, owns his home, luxury car, boat. All of his ducks are in a row. I'm 6 years younger. I have a good job, but not a career. I rent. I don't have a ton of extra income. We're different in that respect -- he's more settled and does not want to settle down right now, I am not settled and want to, in every respect.
But those words barbed me. The last time we spoke/saw each other was two days after the breakup when I picked my things up from his house. I told him that what he'd said cut really deep and he said he hadn't meant it cruelly and that he didn't feel like I was inferior or wrong. But I still feel that way. It makes me feel so small. Like my approach and outlook to life is so horribly skewed and so different from his that it is wrong. And so wrong that he couldn't live with it.
This is a caring, wonderful man. I love him so much, even when he's brought me to my highest highs and now to the lowest I've ever felt. I don't know why those words have caused so much pain in particular.

Hi Erin,
I think his words were painful not because of what he said - as you already stated that his words were accurate, but more the way you judged the words and judged yourself for being different from him.
Go easy on yourself, different doesn't mean either of you is wrong. Different is okay. I don't believe he said the words in a derogatory or insulting way, by your own admission your reflect a lot of what he said as truth. Meaning, the words sting because they have a familiar ring to them. Way to remedy this situation, is to look at what he said, accept that which is true and fix whatever that is within yourself, and discard the rest as inaccurate.
Best,
Thank you for your replies. I think I am hanging on to these words because they cut deeply with me. And they did because I look up to him so much -- I want his respect, opinion and approval and I value his take on things. When he said we looked at the world differently, I was so low because I was losing him -- losing my boyfriend, my constant, my support. And when he said those words it stung because it felt like I lost his approval and understanding, too. It made me feel like I had such a skewed outlook or approach that he just couldn't deal with it.
I know he was honest with what he said and also that he did not mean for it to hurt me. But it still did.
It's both the actions and words that can cut so deeply. He breaks up with me, but he holds me so tight and is upset and crying. His words say he is done, but his actions show his love for me. But then he also said he'd want to call to check in on me, I said I was not sure about it, but left it up to him. He hasn't. So his words and actions aren't matching with that either.
Everyone keeps saying that the no contact is good, but this cold turkey thing is so, so hard. It's been a month now and I still go to bed wishing he had reached out to me that night. I don't know what could be accomplished with this phone call, but it feels like he's just moved on and completely forgotten about me and has not called because he just does not care. This is a good man, he's done nothing wrong. And maybe that is why it hurts so much more, and is so much harder to get away from. I just cannot associate anything bad or wrong with him. I keep turning it inward on myself. And still, every time my phone rings, I hope it is him. Every time a text message comes through I hope it is from him. Every car I see that is like his, I immediately check the license plate. I look for him everywhere I am, and he does not even live or work near me. I feel so stuck in this grief and cannot move on from it. Part of me does not want to, to forget and move on and lose everything entirely, even though it can't be good to hold on to it too.
Erin,
Pretty much your entire last paragraph is what I'm feeling, except for I'm about a month behind you, and I do work near where he works and where we used to live. (I'm back with my parents now, an hour away.)
"Part of me does not want to, to forget and move on and lose everything entirely, even though it can't be good to hold on to it too."
I understand. I've always had to let go in stages.
I'm not there yet, and neither are you, but when we're ready to move on, we'll just know. And it will feel right.
Alright then, I'll share my breakup story with you, and the post-breakup aftermath. I'll do the Cliff's Notes version ;)
When my ex broke up with me-- didn't see it coming (didn't want to, in those situations, though, the signs are always there). I was absolutely shocked because who knew he had even been unhappy? Not I, and I had asked him if there was anything he'd like to talk about, improve blah blah only a couple of weeks before. No, he was happy. Ok. So one night he comes over to take me out to dinner and breaks up with me instead. And during the breakup, he said some things that ended up being hurtful. They were *true* but hurtful. I guess the fact that they were true was what made them most hurtful of all because he wasn't intending on hurting me more, he already knew the breakup was hurtful enough, he was simply being honest. Do you know the the first time he actually said, "I love you," to me without it being a response was the night he broke up with me? It was soooo confusing. And we held each other and cried, but it didn't change the fact that we were indeed, breaking up. He asked if he could call and check on me? -- no. Could we be friends? -- oh hell no. He left and I was fairly devastated, not to mention confused as hell.
Not talking to him was the weirdest and hardest thing in the world for me, I loved talking with him, we had talked every single day because he had called every single day. So to go from that to *nothing*-- yeah, no contact is a serious shock to the system, but that time apart gave me the opportunity to really see what was going on, to separate his words from my own truth. I mulled on his words for a long time, digested them over and over. I was so embarrassed because I really and truly respected his opinion on things and I knew he was right about much of what he said. Not everything, but most of it and those words plus my own truth made me see a side of myself I had not even known I was showing to the world. He'd put the mirror in front of my face and I didn't like everything I was now seeing. This instigated massive positive change within me, the most I've experienced in my life. Not because of him, he was gone, but because of me, and I have to live with myself forever, day in, day out, for the rest of my life.
He'd said he wanted to call and be friends, but I didn't hear a peep from him for a month. I *decided* that it was because he was hurt too, and what would we say to each other? "Hi, how's your day and oh by the way, I'm sorry I broke your heart?" Come to find out afterwards he thought I hated him and he was having a hard time with the breakup as well.
After a month of no contact, we started talking once a week or so (too soon) and saw each other again after two months (again too soon) and pretty soon we were actually "being" friends again (last time, too soon). If you had told me a month post-breakup that my best guy-friend in the world today would be this ex, I'd have laughed through the tears. If you had told me that one night we'd talk and laugh together about some of our best dates while on a date, like we did last night, I'd have called you a liar. :) He's an incredibly good man, one of the very best I've ever had the pleasure to meet. That's part of what made getting over the breakup so difficult, I couldn't hate him. I was angry with him at one point, because that's normal, but hate? No, never.
I will say this, it was only when I was willing to lose it completely, to walk away, that this turned around and started coming towards me again. Have no idea how it will end up, as lovers or friends, but in the meantime, I'm trying to do the best I can. I know he is, too.
Point is, you do not know what life has in store for you. What will come in a year, even tomorrow, is a complete and total mystery. Don't make decisions today based on what may or may not happen in the future, you'd be wrong anyway ;) All you can do is work on yourself, so that whatever comes your way, you respond in the way that's best for you. Concentrate on you, on being the best you, on making improvements where you can and where they're justified or necessary. Don't go taking all the blame for the breakup yourself, it's not fair and its not true, it takes two to tango, to love and to mess it up.
Just do today the best you can for today. The rest will work itself out the way it's supposed to.
Best,
~Sandra~
CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
CL-Understanding Men
Edited 5/26/2007 12:20 pm ET by cl-i_b_sandradee
Thank you, Sandra, for sharing your story. I hear a lot of my feelings in the beginning of your post.
It is very exciting that your ex is back in the picture, in a different form than just an ex. I wish you all the best and hope you will update here soon.
I am trying not to turn this on me, not to take all of the blame for the breakup. I did not do anything wrong, neither did he. It is just how he feels, that something is not right. But I cannot help but to take that to heart and kep digesting it over and over as something wrong with me, not good enough with me.
There are times like right now, when I had a good weekend with friends, that reality hits. That I'm alone. And I hate it. And all I want is him, to talk to him, see him, even just know that he is there for me. And he is not. I can only be so distratced for so long until I get back to thinking about everything and the fact that he is choosing to live his life without me. Not in a mean, crass or disrespectful way, but that he prefers that I am not in his life. It makes me so, so sad, that I do not know him any more, and it makes me wonder, while I am crying thousands of tears each day, is he happy with this now? Is every day just better than the next because I am not in it, that he does not have to deal with me? I was not a nagging, argumentative, pushy girlfriend. I don't feel like I was so hard to "deal with" -- no baggage, no issues, nothing. We had such a tight, easy and fun relationship. I never felt like someone had an edge or was out of the other's league in any way. I admire this man more than anything, he is incredible. And I feel so unworthy right now, that he can't do this and doesn't want to try.
It just feels like it is so easy for him, that this is like a business decision. That he just cuts and runs and doesn't look back. I am stuck looking back at this 24/7. Part of me does not want to move on from him, because it'd be losing everything. I don't want to forget the memories, I don't want him to fade from my mind. I've lost so much, but I just can't seem to move on from this.
Hi All!
I can really relate to what you all have typed in the previous messages. Many of the things my ex said to me when he broke up out of the blue really hurt and have stuck with me as well.
Mainly because I realize they were not true and I can't believe he actually meant those words for me and said them! One of the main things he said was that we were now in a routine (which he also said and we are just trudging along) and that he belives people should enhance each other lives. HELLO - our routine was based on his lazy self - he was content doing only what he wanted to do (which were a few limited things - play soccer, watch soccer, teach soccer, study acting, and sleep) and not try many other things - hence the rut comment. I sadly let his emotions and routine dictate the direction of our relationship, which has helped me see that in all of my failed relationships I have lost myself and given my power over to the other person because I think they are so much more important than me. He used to call himself "my boring boyfriend" and I would boost his ego and try to placate him - tell him no he wasn't boring, do everything for him, cook for him, try to plan things for us to do (which he ineveitably didn't want to do) - again another mistake on my part. So when he said those comments about enhancing lives, and being in a rut - I was really hurt. Plus it set my imagination in motion now believing that he must be simply living it up because he is away from me. My friends are so supportive helping me to see (although I have setbacks) that those insults he hurled at me were really all about himself and not me. That he is doing the same thing he always did - he's not out living it up being crazy. Still it hurts and I am trying really hard to not let it destroy my self esteem.