What is he thinking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
What is he thinking?
3
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 5:29pm

I broke up with my boyfriend mid October this year. It was the hardest thing for me to do and I'm still suffering from the loss. I thought I was going to marry him and was so dissapointed when I found out he was seeing an older woman with 2 kids. (Here's a man that said dating a woman with children was a turn off to him, but now he's dating one.)

We are triathletes and we had planned to go to Florida in early November and spend a week together for our Ironman triathlon event. This was planned 1 year in advance. We had sex with each other a few times in Florida and we both made it very clear that there would be no strings attached. After all, we both knew he was dating this other woman. I was surprised that he went along with it only because he had been calling her quite frequently when we were together in Florida. At one point, he wanted a little "something, something" and I asked him how his new girlfriend would feel. His response, "she'd feel terrible, but I've already done it so I might as well keep doing it." Yes, I know what you're thinking...a complete jerk!

After our trip was over, we had to meet up one final time to get my bike and gear from him. So, Monday morning, a week after the event in early November, he calls me on the phone at work. He's all cheery and happy to talk with me and teasing me like he always did. Real cute on the phone. He proceeds to tell me that he told his new girlfiend some of the things I had said about her and he said she thought it was funny. He was laughing so hard on the phone that at one point he said "I like you dude. I think you're funny." Ok, I'm glad to see that I could still make him laugh. He proceeded to tell me that he only called to say "hello" and he'll see me later that evening. Well, 8 hours later, I meet him in a parking lot. He pulls up next to me and he must have been on his cell phone talking with her (I'm willing to put money on that one) because he didn't exit the car for at least a minute. He gets out of his car and he's as miserable as can be. He gives me back my stuff, barely says anything to me. I wish him luck and he said "drive safely" and I turned around and got into my car. He sped off out of the parking lot so fast, I barely had time to blink.

I sent him a couple of e-mails after that because he owed me some money for a charity event I hosted and I was being reimbursed for my expenses. He was in charge of getting the money to me. I e-mailed him 3 times. On the 3rd time he responded, but not very nicely. Very, very cold. He sent me another e-mail about something else regarding coaching for next year...again, very, very cold.

I decided that I would not bother him anymore. I hadn't heard from him in weeks. Then all of a sudden, I get an e-mail from him telling me how I can save money on some membership next year. I spoke to some other people and he sent the same e-mail to them as well, but he sent it "blindly" so no one could see who he sent it to. Which was odd, because he never cared before. And why does he care if I save $9 next year on some membership anyways. Did he not want me to see that he was sending it to his girlfriend or did he not want her to know that he was sending it to me?

So, it was about that time that I should receive my check in the mail. He sends me an e-mail telling me that he's sending the check and at the end of the e-mail he states "Hope you're doing well and that you had a great Thanksgiving." Hmmm, since when does he even care?? He's been so cold up until now.

I did not respond. I finally get the check in the mail. I open it up and there is a picutre of a "Meerkat"...we spoke about this while we were in Florida. He used to tease me a lot and call me names like "Charlie", "Cholly", etc., and while we were in Florida, he was teasing me about being a Meerkat. Instead of sending me the check in the envelope, he goes through all the trouble of finding the cutest little Meerkat and cuts out of a magazine the word "Meerkat" and tapes it to the paper. Why? What's wrong with this guy? Do you think his girlfriend knows? Is he trying to keep me at arms length just in case something doesn't work out with her? If he's so happy with her, why is he sending me something that we had discussed while we were in Florida? Is he having a hard time letting go?

I'm frazzled by this. I've been trying so hard to move on with my life and I feel like I was making good progress until now. I know I probably should not be reading into this but I'm annoyed that he's playing on my emotions considering he knew how hard it was for me to let him go.

What could this mean? Really confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 7:12pm

I can very much understand how you are feeling right now because I have gone through a very similar situation in the past and I felt very confused and heartbroken. But rather than spending your time trying to deconstruct what he might be thinking or feeling and what every little gesture he makes may mean, you have to begin to focus on yourself and what you want. Start by asking yourself a few tough questions.

1. Is this the kind of guy you really want to spend your time with? (you already know he is capable of cheating and dishonesty)
2. Would things really be different for the two of you if you were back together? Has he changed? Since he is still cheating and doesn't seem to know what he wants I doubt that things would be different for you.
3. What exactly did he give to you that you can not live without? Could someone who treats you better give that to you?
4. What kind of a relationship do YOU want? Be very specific with this! Write it down!

I would also suggest cutting off all contact with him even contact about your sporting events and such. Continuing to have contact only keeps the door cracked just enough for him to stil have a foothold in your life. It will be hard for you to move forward if he is still in the picture. If you work with him or for circumstances out of your control you HAVE to see him, limit that contact to business only. Trying to be friends with him will not really be beneficial for you at this point, not if your intention is to make a clean break.

I hope this helps and I wish you lots of luck!

Hugs,
YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 9:42pm

Thanks YG for your response. The last few weeks I have taken all the necessary steps to focus just on me and just when I think I'm doing great and I'm moving forward, he pops right back into the picture again. I know that I shouldn't focus on what this means, but I can't help but wonder. I know in my heart that someone like him is obviously not healthy for me and that I can do better.

I am working on myself and really trying to fill up my time with friends and things to do. I have no intention of being his friend or really having any contact with him whatsoever. I have not responded to any of his correspondence and will continue to do so.

Thanks again and take care,

GH

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:48pm

What is he thinking? He's thinking that life is great, he gets to sleep around, have a full-time girlfriend, flirt on the side and if he's having a bad day he can take it out on whomever he wants.

Take the last advice - no contact. He's getting his ego stroked at you and this other woman's expense.


Carrie