What is he thinking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2005
What is he thinking?
5
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 9:47pm

My fiance and I have dated each other for 6 yrs. We became engaged in November of last yr. He broke up with me 2 days agao saying that he hates my family, and he is fed up and doesn't want to have to put up with them.

Is this fair? I mean, he is not marrying my sister, he is marrying me. Or was. He said I can keep the ring. Well, then today, he e-mails me and asks me to dinner tonight. I waited until 8:30 and finally called him to ask him, "are we still on for dinner?" His reply, "oh, I forgot all about it."

What the hell? He has been with me for 6 years and he has the nerve to say he forgot about asking me to dinner? His excuse for forgetting, "I was wrapped up at work today and forgot I asked you, I was super busy."

What the hell is going on here? What should I do? I am so heartbroken and sad right now. The man that I have loved for 6 yrs is playing stupid games with me. Does anyone know how I can get him to think? Turn the tables on him? How I should react to him. I mean, this is rediculous.

PLEASE HELP!

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anonymous user
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 11:24am
I don't want revenge. I want someone (maybe a male) to tell me what to do in this situation. Please someone reply!
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 5:35pm

Unfortunately feelinlowgal not that many males frequent this board. I haven't been on here for too long this go 'round (broke up on May 8) but I think I've only seen two or three men in that whole time.

I'm not a man, but I'll try to help. Just give me a few minutes. In the meantime, try reading "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" at:

http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/books/sur/

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 5:55pm

No, it's not fair. But unfortunately, life's not fair. He knew you for many years before your engagement and he should have taken his dislike of your family into account before getting engaged. But people make mistakes. And sometimes, as the reality of marriage approaches, aspects of the spouse which seemed like minor annoyances a year earlier become magnified and lead to panic.

Perhaps he is using the family issue as an excuse. It's hard to know. Perhaps he just got cold feet and within a few days or weeks, he will change his mind. I assume you had set a date for the wedding? Was he getting upset with your family's participation in the wedding planning? I don't mean to make excuses for him. There's no question that what he did is cowardly.

You can only react to him in a way that feels natural to you. If you want to call him and try to talk it out, do it. If you would like to see him, by all means call him. Try not to become hysterical, as difficult as that may be. What you're hoping for is a thorough understanding of why he has done this. He may be confused, afraid and panicked about the thought of living the rest of his life with you. One bright side, as awful as this situation seems, is that he did this BEFORE the wedding. Imagine how much worse it could have been to be left at the altar, or abandoned after the honeymoon.

I'm sure that doesn't make you feel better, the thought that it could have been worse, because let's face it, your situation is pretty bad. There isn't one right thing you can do. For now you have to accept that this is his decision and try to talk to him, calmly if possible. If you cry and carry on it will just make him uncomfortable. If you express your anger in an unreasonable way he may also want to avoid you.

If I were you (and let me tell you that I can't imagine being in your situation because I know I would just be totally devastated) I would give this a few days. Give yourself time to mourn and grieve. Accept the fact that the relationship may indeed be over. Do not blame yourself. Do not think that his doing this has anything to do with you or your family. This is all about him. I know that not taking it personally doesn't make it easier, but please have that clear in your head. Take a week off.

Then with calm and assurance, if you still feel you can marry a man who would do this to you, approach him, by email, by telephone, however you feel more comfortable and ask to get together. Tell him you want to understand why he did what he did. At this point in time, I think the most you can expect to gain is an understanding of him.

We're here for you. Come to cry and be consoled, to rant and be calmed down, to grieve and be soothed. You're not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 6:26pm

Thanks for the kind advice. My fiance still doesn't understand my situation. How can someone tell me to choose between my family and him? I would never do that to him. Ever. He thinks my sister is going to take advantage of me, because she has in the past; he thinks she is going to "move in" and tell me how bad he is and how I should ditch him. She only sees the pain and heartache he has caused me in the past year, and she doesn't want me to go through what she has in the past (she was married very young, and her husband treated her awful). She is tired of seeing me be unhappy. I am so hurt and angry right now, I can't even describe it.

I feel so lost and alone. I feel so stupid for letting him hurt me for a year. If he hated my family so much, he shouldn't have asked me to marry him. Although, my sister didn't express her feelings until the ring was put on my finger. He refuses therapy, but I am going to start going for my own benefit. Not his. Maybe later he will realize how stupid he is acting and wise up. Until then, I will not hold my breath.

Thank you for the link to the book, "How to survive the loss." I really appreciate it. I hope I can survive this situation. We aren't really broken up though. I am not sure what we are. We are just surviving, I guess. I can't marry someone that hates my family, can I?

Dammit. I hate this.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 8:18pm
Actually, I believe you can marry someone who has problems with your family, but it would be a problematic marriage to say the least. It's good that you're going to therapy. Is there any chance the two of you can go together? Perhaps it would help to discuss these issues. It sounds like there may be some room for hope ...