What is he thinking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
What is he thinking?
5
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 12:16pm
I've never been good at reading guys that I've fallen for, but it seems that no one else can read this one either. We were friends for a year and a half before we started dating. Or I guess you could say that we were friends with benefits up until the month before we started dating when I refused to continue with the benefits. He broke up with me a week ago and can't give me a reason why. He tells me that he himself honestly does not know, but that he can't be with me right now. There are a lot of factors that are involved with our relationship though. First of all he was involved in an accident 9 months ago where he and two of our other good friends at the time were ejected from his truck and our other two friends were killed. He doesn't remember anything from the accident and it is a complete miracle that he was not killed. He hasn't in any way expressed to anyone what he is feeling about this, but has instead locked it up inside. Then there is also the fact that I will be leaving for college in 3 weeks and will be living two and a half hours away for at least five days out of the week. Not to mention that he's the first guy that I've ever truly loved and I believe with all of my heart that we are meant for one and other. He still calls me and when I ask he says that he doesn't want to be with anyone else. When I ask him if he will rethink his decision and be with me he tells me "Not right now." and when I ask him "When?" he says he doesn't know. If there isn't anyone else....which I know for sure that there isn't, then is it cold feet on his part? Is he scared? I just don't get it, I look into his eyes and see that he still cares about me, even though he tells me other wise, he's even told me that he misses me. He's fighting his feelings for me and I don't understand why. What am I missing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 1:06pm

<<<>>>

Honey, it seems that you were never dating, although the info isn't clear to me....the day you ended the benefits the entire deal went south. For a year and a half, he and you were enjoying each other hanging out and having sex. After the sex was stopped by you he changed. He said he doesn't want anything serious with you, but that he misses you; he misses the sex. He doesn't know when he'll be ready for a serious relationship.

IMO, he's not scared, he just doesn't want anything serious that includes responsabilities, obligations and a committment. Do you know if during the year you were FWB he had some other deals on the side? Given his pattern it's possible that he's looking for casual relatinships and he may be having more than one. Lossing your benefits doesn't mean that he's not getting any somewhere else.

He's thinking that since you stopped the benefits and that means that you want more, but he's not willing to give you more than what he was already giving you, so his way out is to say "I don't know".

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 2:30pm
Sorry, I must not have written that well enough.....I stopped the friends with benefits thing and a month later he decided that he was ready for a relationship and we began dating. We were together for almost 6 months when he decided to break up with me. I know that he does for a fact miss the sex, but he seems to genuinely miss just me being around as well. We have personalities that mesh well and there is a bond between us that even he has recently admitted we have. Our FWB thing wasn't for the entire year and a half straight either.....there was a while when I dated someone else and a while when we were JUST friends...it's all kind of broken up, but I would know if it was just the sex....he would've moved on by now, but he hasn't. Does that change your opinion at all?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2005
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 2:46pm
In my opinion... the accident probably bugged him out a lot and made him rethink a lot of things, the first one being a serious relationship. College relationships are tough, especially at different schools, trust me, I did it for years. He probably just wants to be young and be assured that he doesn't miss out on anything now that he has been shown just how short life can be. Don't take it personally, go to college and meet some great people! If you can be open to anything and really have fun you will grow and change in more ways you thought possible, if it's meant to be, it'll be, but don't pressure him to rethink his decision. College is about having fun and growing as a person, don't let this ruin your experience!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 7:36pm
Given the extra info that you've provided, it's possible that he's passing through a stage in his life where he doesn't know what to do or if wants to be involved seriously with someone at this point. The traumatic accident might have something to do with the entire picture. Has he sought therapy to deal withb the traumatic events of the accident? He may be experiencing PTSD.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 10:59pm
It's just a thought but maybe he's worried that the relationship is going to fail once you start school or maybe he is just trying work through all the baggage left over from the accident.
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