What if he wasn't ever a jerk?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
What if he wasn't ever a jerk?
7
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 8:26pm

It's been almost a week now since my ex of over 6 years broke up with me. I pushed him into a conversation about why he had been somewhat distant at times and he confessed that he was no longer in love with me, while crying in front of me. He couldn't look at me when he said it. He said he has felt this way for quite sometime, possibly almost a year. I asked why nothing was said to me before and he said because he didn't want to hurt me and make my life harder than it already was, and didn't want to lose me as his best friend, and that he still loved me.

I am barely surviving. A lot of women on here I notice their boyfriends were jerks to them in some way prior to or during the break up.

What to do if the man you love who left you after so many years, was seemingly perfect? He was so caring, so considerate, so romantic, so loving and attentive, so wonderful in absolutely every way, even in the end still doing everything for me to make me happy and make my life easier, even in the end treating me like a queen, right up until he said goodbye he was crying and saying how he still feels like he wants to protect me and he still wants to be there to help me, etc. But I cannot have him in my life as anything less, I can't even look at anything he's ever given me without crying.

But I can't be angry with him. I want him back so bad, but what can I do? Is there any way in the world I could ever hope to rekindle the feelings that just seemed to go stale after so many years and my complicated and stressful life getting in the way? I feel I have lost the best thing that ever happened to me. He rescued me like an angel in my time of need and he is my best friend in this world, and I am his. Is there any hope that if I were to contact him, that anything I could say would ever change his mind?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 8:46pm

I am so sorry that this happened to you.

I don't have any real 'advice' to give you except that I can completely understand about not wanting to hate him - about almost wishing he'd done SOMETHING to make you hate him and make this easier. I used to hate how my family and friends would rally around and bash the man who'd broken my heart - it just made me feel like an idiot for still loving him.

Yes, sometimes people fall out of love and sometimes they only think they did and realize the horrible mistake they made. Only time will tell which is the case with you.

Okay, I'm going to offer some advice here after all:

Try your very hardest not to contact him. Let him know what it's like to not have you around. I truly believe that's the only way he can decide for himself if this (breaking up) is really the best decision. It's so so so hard. It really is. But it really really is worth making the effort.

Good luck and I'm sending you hugs

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 3:10am

....."I feel I have lost the best thing that ever happened to me. He rescued me like an angel in my time of need and he is my best friend in this world, and I am his. Is there any hope that if I were to contact him, that anything I could say would ever change his mind?".....


I am feeling your pain right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 8:55am

I sooo did not want to hear that...and now I am just sobbing uncontrollably and I feel like my world is caving in for the thousandth time in a week. I feel so pathetic, but I just cannot accept the idea that it is truly over...not after so long. I know that the "spark" had gone out of our relationship, but if he still loves me, can't that be rekindled, just like in a marriage? Isn't there couples counseling that can help with this sort of thing? The spark had faded but the love and caring was still so strong...doesn't that happen sometimes when you have been together for a long time? Does it really mean you should throw it all away? We are both still attracted to each other and love and like each other.

I just feel like I am drowning...this is just about the worst pain I have ever felt. I can't even function.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:00am

Believe me,

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:32am

It's not necessary for an ex to be a jerk for him to be wrong for you. I sometimes think that those are the hardest relationships to get over though.

If he's not in love with you any more, he's not. That's a very unfortunate, painful reality but it is the reality. The sooner you begin to accept that, the sooner the pain will start to lessen and fade.

As for changing his mind, it sounds to me like he tried for a year to get the feelings back and was unable to. Given that fact, it's unlikely that he's going to change his mind.

Have you considered counseling to help you deal with the loss of your relationship? It can really be a big help.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:46am

Mort Fertel

Look him up on the internet. You'll see what I mean. There is a lone ranger track as well as a dual track.

Big Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 12:43pm

I'm so sorry for you. I too went through almost the exact same scenario. Although my ex still tells me he's in love with me, but that he just needs some time alone right now.

About you asking if there was anything you could say to change his mind, there's not. It took me 3 months to figure this out. There is absolutely nothing you can do or say to make him want you back. Just be yourself and remember if you're meant to be with him, you will be.

~Amber~