What if NO CONTACT is not possible???
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What if NO CONTACT is not possible???
| Thu, 01-13-2005 - 7:54pm |
Hello,
I sent a message a couple of weeks ago and no one responded so I'll try again with some new updates.
My boyfriend of two months broke up with me right before Christmas. The reason he gave me was that he felt that we didn't have a connection. Although I felt there were some awkward phases throughout our time of getting to know each other, I appreciated some of the good qualities he had and therefore didn't think about breaking up but apparently he felt otherwise. We both go to school in DC and I went back home to NY to spend the holidays with my family. Being away from DC and from home did me some good, but now the spring semester has started and I am back again. I have to see him pretty much everyday of the week and the hurt has come back again. Let me mention though, that he has not been an a-hole throughout the breakup, unlike some guys. He called me twice throughout the break to wish me a merry christmas and a happy new year and we discussed the situation a little bit further over the phone. My feeling is that he did not want things to be too awkward when we would see each other the nest term.
Well, I am already seeing him and I am still not over him. I, though, feel that he too still has some feelings for me but won't do anything about it since he was the one who made the decision and he won't back down. He is also sending me mixed messages and I fdon't know if he is just trying to be nice or if he wants something else. He also sits next to me in one of our classes (his choice, not mine) and it hurts to be so close to him and not be able to touch him.
I am honestly trying to move on, but it is very hard. I know from reading past message boards that NO CONTACT is necessary when you want to let go of someone. But what if this is not possible. Does anyone have any suggestions??
I sent a message a couple of weeks ago and no one responded so I'll try again with some new updates.
My boyfriend of two months broke up with me right before Christmas. The reason he gave me was that he felt that we didn't have a connection. Although I felt there were some awkward phases throughout our time of getting to know each other, I appreciated some of the good qualities he had and therefore didn't think about breaking up but apparently he felt otherwise. We both go to school in DC and I went back home to NY to spend the holidays with my family. Being away from DC and from home did me some good, but now the spring semester has started and I am back again. I have to see him pretty much everyday of the week and the hurt has come back again. Let me mention though, that he has not been an a-hole throughout the breakup, unlike some guys. He called me twice throughout the break to wish me a merry christmas and a happy new year and we discussed the situation a little bit further over the phone. My feeling is that he did not want things to be too awkward when we would see each other the nest term.
Well, I am already seeing him and I am still not over him. I, though, feel that he too still has some feelings for me but won't do anything about it since he was the one who made the decision and he won't back down. He is also sending me mixed messages and I fdon't know if he is just trying to be nice or if he wants something else. He also sits next to me in one of our classes (his choice, not mine) and it hurts to be so close to him and not be able to touch him.
I am honestly trying to move on, but it is very hard. I know from reading past message boards that NO CONTACT is necessary when you want to let go of someone. But what if this is not possible. Does anyone have any suggestions??

I haven't been through this personally, but I have some friends who've gone through a break up with someone they work with.
What you need to do is *minimize* contact. Sit where he can't sit next to you. Keep your interaction on a "need to" basis only (if you have to work together on a class project, for instance). Nod and say hi when you see each other, but keep moving, don't stop to chat. No personal chit chat; if he tries to engage you, say "gotta go" and walk away.
It will take longer than it would if you were able to have no contact, but it will work eventually.
Sheri
HEre is where you are at. It's multifaceted, so study it carefully.
What the boy does NOT want in his life is obligation, commitment, requirement, and responsibility. A relationship requires that you consider your partners needs, wnats, feelings and goals equally with your own while making decisions and choices about events and life in general. THAT is what he does not want in his life. That type of obligation and requirement.
What the boys does LIKE is the fact that you're attractive, intelligent, well mannered and fun. HE likes your company. HE thinks you're nice. And, he might not mind "dating" you - but dating isn't a relationship.
Dating is about living in the moment, not giving to get, and not considering a future. Dating is all about the here and now...there is no future in dating.
You two dated two months. The first 3 months is high infatuation heat. It's not admiration, respect, trust, and acceptance of you as a perosn - there's no objectivity to consider your traits. There is simply "your attention and adoration of me makes me feel so good, I can't get enough of your attention."
That said....there is the 3 month fade.....as in at 3 months the high of a new person who's now "a more familiar person" fiding them attractive is lessened...and at that point they begin to determine if YOU as an individual based on your interests and values and goals, etc. are wht they want to align with. Until now - they've been affiliating with you because of how it made the feel about themselves becuase of your attention.
It's posible that in the two months...you took this seriously. You took his desire for your attention to be respect and admiration,you started to conduct yourself in a "future oriented" way with body language and topics of conversation. That had him saying "no thanks, don't want th eobligation, thought we were living in the moment, not creatin a future."
It's also possible you didn't do any of that, the new wore off, and he wanted to be free to pursue other owmen on the campus that maybe he had more in common with - which didn't stop him from considering you fun and attractive -just not his style.
Where you're getting mixed messages from his calls and sitting beside you in class is you're "wondering what he wants" - you've stated you think he still has feelings (which he might, but he also knows factually he doesn't wnat a relationship or else he'd have asked for dating again- like he asked to break it off, he's not shy). You know that you stillhave feelings.
So, sit him down and talk. Not about your "feelings". Tell him honestly that you haven't reached a point yet where you can be friends and want the best for him as he determines it to be. YOu're still in the phase of wanting the best for him ONLY if he determines the best for him is you. And he doesn't want that, you logically accept it - but logic doesn't fix or change feelings.
So, would he please, out of respect for you, not call, not sit by you in class, it's fine to say hello in passing between buildings or rooms...but please anything but spontaneous contact of a momentary nature is causing you distress. That you do want to start (not resume - you didn't have one to start with) a friendship with him and you will, you'll seek him out when you've come t a more personally balanced place in your life.
If you state that...and he has changed his mind and wants to resume dating, he'll tell you so. Butdon't hold your breath, I doubt he does.
Ifyou state that...and out of respect for you and your honesty, he ceases to call or sit besideyou in class...you need to move on past the idea that him in your future or in your life for right now as more than a friend is not a possibility. That allows you to move on....not have the conflict. It allows you the open door to begin a relationship when you're more personally balanced and confident that you can want the best for him as he determines it to be. Because if he does this...it will be because he does respect you as a person. That is osmeone worth being friends wwith, when the time is right for you.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Hey Erin,
Wow...that was one of the most insightful posts that I've read on these boards. I just wanted to thank you for writing it. My story with my ex was very similar (if not identical) to what ktorres14 had originally posted and my experience left me very confused and over-analytical of his every move whenever we crossed paths (which was frequent because of school too) for a long time (I am guilty of taking my ex's attentions waaaay too seriously during our two months of dating). I wish this post existed then to help me understand!
ktorres14, from my own personal experiences, Erin is absolutely right. Minimize your contact with your ex to the bare essentials until you are ready to start a friendship. In my opinion, though, when you do start a friendship, let go/forget about your past with him and start anew. It makes friendship with him a whole lot more enjoyable, natural and easy. Trust me, I've been there, done that - I know it works =)
All the best and all the strength to you, ktorres14. Erin - thank you so much!