What makes men so selfish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
What makes men so selfish?
9
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 12:01am

I have a question that I hope everyone out here can help me get answers to.

Why are men, some men I should add, selfish? I mean the whole 9 yards selfish. They want it their way when it's convenient for them, and they want it their way all the time. If you dare to put waves in the water...They are emotionally selfish and yet give just enough to keep you thinking they aren't.

So why are some men very selfish? Can anyone give me some answers? Maybe observations, experience with a selfish man? What to look for? Signs?

I need to know. Because my girlfriend pointed out to me the other night while I was crying into my drink about my ex, that he is a very very selfish man who can't or won't grow up. That's why he could never be there for me, it had to be on his terms, yet I never knew what those terms where...

Any clues ladies or guys willing to be honest about it. I could really use some insight here.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 7:59am

You're going to be spinning your wheels because it's not only some men who can be selfish, it's also some women. Some women also want what they want when they want it. So it's completely unfair to say that men have the market cornered on selfishness, or to try to soften that blow by saying, "only some men." SOME PEOPLE are selfish, if your ex-boyfriend was one of them, I'm sorry to hear that, but it's best you got away from him now.

It's not a good idea to start progamming yourself to have this very dangerous, very embittering black and white thinking. If you come to think that men are selfish, yet you want a relationship in your life with a man, any man, then that's not going to bode well for you at all.

It's best to let go of this kind of thinking, it's just not good for you in the long run. Take a look at your life, learn what you can from this moment in it, be grateful you didn't end up married to this particular selfish person, and move on. Work on making your life the best you can imagine.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:47am

Oh hon, if there was ever a selfish man, it was my ex. And he even admitted it, so its not just me saying it!

We were both 26 when we started dating. He was always emotionally available and loving at all times. However, even though I knew he was still into the partying stage and not a grown man, his selfishness still appalled me many times. For instance:

-our plans nearly always revolved around his schedule; if he was "tired" (and he was ALWAYS tired) stuff like a set dinner time would be postponed until he felt like getting up. If I pushed him to get up becase I was starving/or had somewhere to be, he would complain
- partying with his friends always came first; he would go out with them and THEN show up to be with me later in the night
- when he knew I was sleeping he would call or show up at my condo expecting me to be available
- if I asked him to do a small errand for me I could never be sure he would b/c god forbid his priorities got in the way
- he would say his being short on money was the reason he could not get me a b-day present etc., but there was always drinking money for him to go out

I felt his selfishness was due to his never having to be a responsible adult despite his age; he had a trust fund so never had to worry about a career, rent, bills or anything like that. So he could just live it up and never have to worry about anything but himself. He often said he was trying to change, and I did see small changes, but they NEVER LASTED.

Now that I have been through that, I know what to look for, and that is a person who chronically puts himself ahead of me and has the my way or the highway attitude. Basically, is immature!

I feel for you (sending hugs); maybe try to point out his behavior and ask him to put himself in your shoes. That was the one thing that ever made headway with my ex; because for once he had to think about how he would feel if someone acted to him like he did to me. Thats when the small changes occurred, maybe with your guy, you will have better luck than me.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 12:26pm

I wanted to point out something, something no one ever wants to hear when they've been treated badly--- you've allowed it.


Ok, so fine, your ex may have been a selfish person, *however* even the most selfish and self-centered person cannot operate in a vacuum.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 12:57pm

I agree with your points.

However, I think we all know that hindsight is 20/20, and when you're deeply in love with someone you don't have that benefit. Did I *allow* it? Well, NOW looking back I certainly take responsibility for certain things happening. Point being, neither I (nor anyone else who went or is going through something similar) is necessarily able to realize it at the time, and so I think you have to take that factor into consideration before you can label a person as someone who CONSCIOUSLY *allowed* it to happen. I'm not excusing myself, but its not so cut and dry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:16pm

It's apparent from your post you think I'm criticizing, which I am not.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 4:36pm

As a guy, I'm all in concurrence with Sandra and her points - most importantly, regarding you, that if you want to start painting guys with such a broad brush, don't be surprised when we do it to you ("you're clingy/needy/justplainpsycho"). Not fair, is it?

Bottom line is this - there are a lot of selfish guys. I was a selfish guy and I still have my moments. But I learned how to grow up AND I have a take-no-BS wife who calls me on my crap when it happens.

Remember, the biggest enabler of guys' bad behavior is....women. If a guy pulls a stunt and the woman comes back, who's the putz, really?

So here's what you do - when you deal with a guy, be eyes-open to his behavior and actions (not always what he says, 'cause many guys'll say anything to get to the Promised Land). I'll bet your guys was pulling tricks a while ago and you knew it, you just didn't want to accept that it meant that he was, well, selfish (shellfish?) and needed to be thrown back.

It sucks to see when a person you're seeing pulls stunts on you and you know there's no hope...you've invested a lot and it blows to have to throw that away. But that's what dating is - trying, sampling, experimenting, learning, and having fun. So that when you find the RIGHT one, you use what you've learned in previous experiences to positively ID the right guy and reel the fella in.

Sorry your guy blew. Lots of good ones out there, recommend you not abandon ship.

David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
The Guy's Guide to Getting a Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 6:10pm

Thanks for the input.

I know that all men are not selfish, that is what I said when I used the word "some" in the post. I also know that there are a lot of women who are just as selfish too. My post wasn't about women, since I don't date them.

I agree that we let people do to us what they will if we don't stop it or walk away from it, or what david said, call them out on it, if the relationship got far enough for that to even happen, and if they really cared.

When we love, we are blind, we are on the honeymoon. It's when that is over that we start to see each other for what and who we are. Most cases it's great, but then there are those that aren't. I unfortunately fell into the later. Hence the "EX" boyfriend, not currently dating any more, that I was refering to in my post.

We try for alittle while to show them the error of their ways, yet if he or she isn't willing to change or see what they are doing, it's time to move on. It's hard to do that in a lot of cases, because of the emotional investment we've made. Face it, it's hard on the emotions and feelings and not very many of us like going through it. Plus we all know you can't change men!!!!

My questions was, I wanted to know what makes them that way to start with, and why they feel it's okay to be that way towards someone who obviously likes, cares, and loves them, etc.? What sort of pleasure does one get out of doing that?

Myself I can't do that to someone. No matter what I feel for them. Even if I'm not interested in them romantically or sexually, I would never use them or treat them badly because I knew they would put up with it for how ever long. Taking advantage of them basically. It's just wrong. It's disrepectful and flat out mean. And I don't think insecurity has anything to do with it most of the time either.

And most people who have feelings and know how to feel, would rather try to be with someone, selfish or not, because we are human and it's only human to want to care, love and want to be with someone. If we didn't have that need then we wouldn't be alive and be human. I don't think it's wrong to try and be with someone, to try to make a relationship work.

That's just my opinion...selfish or not...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 6:37pm

I think a lot of guys are immature, period. I know when I was in my heavy-selfish phase when I was in my early 20s, I was an a'hole. Why? 'Cause I didn't know any better. Think about it - most guys only have to think about themselves all thru teens, college, post-college. Then they start to date seriously and have to actually "think" about another person - her schedule, her feelings, her life. Some guys can make that step up, lots can't. Lots of guys think it's better to be a free 'n' easy knucklehead with no cares in the world...perhaps other than making money and getting laid.

The key for women is to be eyes-open to guys like this - the players. The guys who are only concerned where their next "meal" is coming from, if you get my point.

Plus, what makes headlines? Dipsticks like Federline, Pacman Jones (he's a jackass football player), rappers who exalt guns and booty - this is what guys think stands for "being a man." Now I'm not throwing this on SOCIETY - that's bull.

It's every guy's responsibility to stand up and step up to what being a man means - respectful, responsible, involved. Problem is there are too many guys who think that aspiring to be the male equivalent of Lohan or Hilton means you get women like that...and sometimes, they do. Which doubly sucks.

David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
What Your Dad Didn't Teach You

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 10:48pm

I think trying to understand what makes someone amoral is just an exercise in frustration. Whether it's upbringing, brain chemistry or whatever--the why really doesn't matter, and someone who doesn't behave that way is never going to understand someone who does. It's like trying to understand why someone is a pedophile--we can't understand it because our brains are not wired that way.

All you can do is accept that some people are just like that, and stop seeing them at the first sign of selfish behavior. No more trying to show them the error of their ways--just go. I know it's tempting but as you've discovered, it doesn't work.

Sheri