what a mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
what a mess
13
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 12:29pm

I just had a nasty break up after an almost two year relationship blew up. I relocated to be closer to my boyfriend, to a city where I knew no one but him after a two month whirlwind semi-long distance courtship. Instead of getting my own place, we moved in together (probably the first mistake). Being new to town, I spent a lot of time with him. Eventually, I found a job and started building a network beyond him.

Things were good, but my new found independence became a threat to him. It became clear that he had old, unresolved issues when he started getting angry when I came home late from work, or I could not be located by phone-if I was busy at work, or in a meeting. I also joined a gym and a cycling club and he just got more and more annoyed. When I had to travel for work and I called home, he would be very cold and distant. A few times, he asked me if he should pack up his stuff and move out before I got home.

He admitted that he had abandonment issues-came from a divorced home and the parent that raised him was never around and had a very active social life-many partners coming through the home. He got into trouble as teenager, but eventually grew out of that.

The issues continued-he would threaten to leave, he became cold, stopped communicating. I hung around because I kept holding on to the good times we had in the beginning of the relationship AND I think to justify my move to a new city. I couldn't deal with the 'told-you-sos' from people who thought my move was stupid/crazy. I also had just gotten used to having him in the house-i know that sounds awful.

My job really took off and i immersed myself in work. He became more withdrawn. We became roommates. I longed for the connection we had, but no amount of talking could get it back. I developed a connection with another man. My boyfriend read my email and uncovered the 'affair.' His worst nightmare came true-i cheated-emotionally, not physically. I never even kissed the other person, but i definitely developed a close connection with him.

i suppose it was a blessing in disguise? we were going nowhere. he yelled and screamed, and said i was horrible and that he'd need a couple of days to figure out if he could trust me again. I guess i saw it as an opportunity-if he did forgive me, what were we going to return to? the relationship had gotten so bad and he'd be super suspicious and hold my past actions over my head. i asked what difference a couple of days would make and i asked why he would stay if i was so horrible. he stomped off, packed up and left.

he came back an hour later to say he'd forgiven me and wanted to 'work things out.' i said no. he emailed this morning to ask if we could get back together, that my actions were his fault and he wants to go back to the way things were.

i think we just need to call it quits. i miss the beginning, too, but there's too much 'stuff' that needs fixing-for each of us individually. i have since stopped contacting my 'affair.' he was just a band-aid...there's no relationship there.

i think single-town is the way to go. it's tough though because even though i have a life here now, i moved to this town to be with him, i am still in the house that we shared. there are moments where i'm tempted to say 'sure, come on back.' but i have to be strong and fight those urges and move along. any helpful hints to keep 'moving along??'

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
In reply to: jenny1624
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 12:43pm

i'm going through something pretty similar to you -- my 2.5 year relationship has been rocky almost the whole time, though of course all passionate and exciting in the beginning. over the course of the time, after being hurt many times by his behavior or things he's said to me, i began to withdraw. instead of another guy "confidante" or anything, i started keeping a journal in which i wrote very blatant statements about why i didn't know if i felt the same way about my guy. i wrote about his weight (which had increased quite a bit), why i had never introduced him to my parents, why sex wasn't the same, etc.

well, on day while i wasn't home and he was in town visiting me (we're 70 miles apart), he took the journal out of a drawer and read it.

so, similar to you, there are clearly all kinds of trust issues swirling, as well as the over-arching irony regarding the fact that what he'd read was all me writing how i didn't know what i felt about him. so, basically, his breach of my trust earned him one big fat smack of reality, and earned me either (a) proof that he's a jerk , or (b) a dose of feeling like crap about myself for thinking and writing what i did about someone.

like you, i'm settling into thinking that aloneness is the way to go for awhile. there are TONS of good tips and supportive people here. READ THE ARTICLES UNDER THE EXPERT ADVICE HEADING! right now, i am 10 days into no contact w/ my ex; it ended after a flurry of pretty mean texts and emails from him to me, most of which i didn't respond to or if i did, told him he was acting out of control. sigh. this time stinks, but there are good days and not-as-good days. hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
In reply to: jenny1624
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 2:17pm

wow. lots of similarities.

i am 4 days post blow-up. There's still the lingering email back and forth.

today's email said that he was getting counseling and was going to 'fight for us.'

oh dear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
In reply to: jenny1624
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 3:19pm
can people change, or do you just keep the past in the past?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: jenny1624
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 3:25pm
Its been my experience that people don't change, scratch the surface - what do you get? More surface. They may handle things better or different but their underlying emotions and fears and hang ups are always the same. They might overcome their issues but the things that get them down are still going to get them down they might just deal with it in a more efficent, effective way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
In reply to: jenny1624
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 3:52pm
I guess we just both need to go our separate ways, figure out what we each did and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
In reply to: jenny1624
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 3:58pm

lol - even more similarities, then. my guy did the same thing re: counseling, albeit in a disturbingly similar fallout that occurred a year ago. here was the result -- he allegedly went for a month or two, and then i heard nothing more about it. his behavior got somewhat better, but really, all that meant was that there were longer "lags" between the crappy way he was capable of being toward me.

just FYI, that's all; i hate to be cynical but sometimes you just have to read the writing on the wall...i'd be a little wary if i was you. but hey, that's just my experience. take care :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
In reply to: jenny1624
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 4:04pm

I am wary because he didn't seek counseling on his own. Not til our relationship went to sh*t.

I just need to get over the beginning and the hopes I had for our relationship. I can see him reverting back to the nonsense and us being back at square 1.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: jenny1624
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 5:28pm

Hi Jenny,


Interesting that every time you do something 'right' for you, he gets worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
In reply to: jenny1624
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 11:12pm

In response to your question. I want to:

1. stop the 'movie' of all the good times we shared that's playing over and over in my head

2. be strong enough to close the door on the relationship and cut off all contact with him and move on.

I realize that all his 'revelations' and promises to fix himself and the relationship are probably just desperate attempts to put everything back together. If he really wanted to deal with his issues and be happy and healthy, he would have taken the steps to do this earlier. I don't think he's committed to himself. The only part of the relationship he's committed to is getting it back. It would devolve into the same mess again...of that I'm pretty sure.

I don't think I mentioned that he's been married before. From the sounds of it, that relationship went the same way...everything was great, then they stopped talking, she cheated, he left. He never talks about that situation as a learning experience. So, I guess he's got a pattern.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
In reply to: jenny1624
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 4:29pm

Any suggestions?

In response to your question. I want to:

1. stop the 'movie' of all the good times we shared that's playing over and over in my head

2. be strong enough to close the door on the relationship and cut off all contact with him and move on.

I realize that all his 'revelations' and promises to fix himself and the relationship are probably just desperate attempts to put everything back together. If he really wanted to deal with his issues and be happy and healthy, he would have taken the steps to do this earlier. I don't think he's committed to himself. The only part of the relationship he's committed to is getting it back. It would devolve into the same mess again...of that I'm pretty sure.

I don't think I mentioned that he's been married before. From the sounds of it, that relationship went the same way...everything was great, then they stopped talking, she cheated, he left. He never talks about that situation as a learning experience. So, I guess he's got a pattern.

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