what a mess
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| Wed, 03-14-2007 - 12:29pm |
I just had a nasty break up after an almost two year relationship blew up. I relocated to be closer to my boyfriend, to a city where I knew no one but him after a two month whirlwind semi-long distance courtship. Instead of getting my own place, we moved in together (probably the first mistake). Being new to town, I spent a lot of time with him. Eventually, I found a job and started building a network beyond him.
Things were good, but my new found independence became a threat to him. It became clear that he had old, unresolved issues when he started getting angry when I came home late from work, or I could not be located by phone-if I was busy at work, or in a meeting. I also joined a gym and a cycling club and he just got more and more annoyed. When I had to travel for work and I called home, he would be very cold and distant. A few times, he asked me if he should pack up his stuff and move out before I got home.
He admitted that he had abandonment issues-came from a divorced home and the parent that raised him was never around and had a very active social life-many partners coming through the home. He got into trouble as teenager, but eventually grew out of that.
The issues continued-he would threaten to leave, he became cold, stopped communicating. I hung around because I kept holding on to the good times we had in the beginning of the relationship AND I think to justify my move to a new city. I couldn't deal with the 'told-you-sos' from people who thought my move was stupid/crazy. I also had just gotten used to having him in the house-i know that sounds awful.
My job really took off and i immersed myself in work. He became more withdrawn. We became roommates. I longed for the connection we had, but no amount of talking could get it back. I developed a connection with another man. My boyfriend read my email and uncovered the 'affair.' His worst nightmare came true-i cheated-emotionally, not physically. I never even kissed the other person, but i definitely developed a close connection with him.
i suppose it was a blessing in disguise? we were going nowhere. he yelled and screamed, and said i was horrible and that he'd need a couple of days to figure out if he could trust me again. I guess i saw it as an opportunity-if he did forgive me, what were we going to return to? the relationship had gotten so bad and he'd be super suspicious and hold my past actions over my head. i asked what difference a couple of days would make and i asked why he would stay if i was so horrible. he stomped off, packed up and left.
he came back an hour later to say he'd forgiven me and wanted to 'work things out.' i said no. he emailed this morning to ask if we could get back together, that my actions were his fault and he wants to go back to the way things were.
i think we just need to call it quits. i miss the beginning, too, but there's too much 'stuff' that needs fixing-for each of us individually. i have since stopped contacting my 'affair.' he was just a band-aid...there's no relationship there.
i think single-town is the way to go. it's tough though because even though i have a life here now, i moved to this town to be with him, i am still in the house that we shared. there are moments where i'm tempted to say 'sure, come on back.' but i have to be strong and fight those urges and move along. any helpful hints to keep 'moving along??'

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Hi jenny,
Have you tried the 'Thought Stopping' idea?
I know I need to stick to my guns. This all blew up last Friday. We didn't speak for three days. But since Tuesday, he's called every day to tell me that we need to get back to where we were in the beginning because it was so great and shouldn't be thrown away.
The beginning was great, but I just don't think we can get it back...too much water under the bridge. He said he forgave me for my 'cheating' one day, but then the next day said he needed to know what happened and why I did what I did, then got upset. He says he just 'got lazy' but that we should get back together because now he knows what it takes.
I know relationships are work, but ours just went straight downhill and blew up. As he shut down, I tried to 'fix' him, but could not. I think it's past the point of no return. I don't know who the real him is (the one i first met, or the one i lived with?) and he thinks I'll wander if we hit a rough patch.
I don't know why he keeps calling. It's gut wrenching when he does.
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