what next?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2004
what next?
8
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 8:01am
Me and my boyfriend of 5 years broke up recently (see my last post). How do i move on? What next?
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In reply to: bellabh
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 10:07am

Hi Bella,

That is the question, isn't it? What to do now? Honestly, I don't know. You pick up the pieces and put them back together as best as you can and you live your life. Do you want to look back at this time in your life, when you're 90 years old, and see that you spent every night crying? No, probably not.

Right now, you take care of yourself. You train yourself to put YOU as the number one priority in your life. You train yourself to not think about him.

And you let some time pass. Just take care of you for right now. And take it day by day.

Hugs,
Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
In reply to: bellabh
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 11:05am

Bellabh:

What do you do now?

First: Get a huge box and put everything in it that he ever gave you. All gifts, letters, photos, etc. Give it to someone who really loves you (parents or a sibling) with instructions NOT to give it back to you for five years even if you BEG for the box.
The reason you pick someone who really loves you is that they will honor your request during moments of "temporary insanity".

Second: Change your telephone number, your cell phone number, your email address so that he can't contact you if he changes his mind. Believe me, you don't want this person back in your life (although you may not realize that at the moment).

Third: After all this time you "share" friends. That's a shame but the sad truth is -- you will never heal until you cut bait with these shared friends. You'll always be hearing about what he's doing or who he's with -- that's not conducive to forgetting about someone. Cultivate new friends.

Fourth: No sappy, sad, love songs -- why women are prone to torture themselves by playing sad love songs whenever they break up could make a dissertation paper for psychology. It doesn't really help to dwell on misery.

Fifth: My friend Marcy's rubberband technique is useful for reminding yourself not to think about "him". Put a rubberband on your wrist and snap it every time "he" comes to mind. This is an adaptation of conditioning and is far more comfortable than an electic shock. Reward yourself whenever you realize you've gone a long period of time without thinking about him.

Sixth: If you know where he "hangs out" -- make sure NOT to go there. Or anywhere near there. Cultivate new places.

Seventh: Take up a new hobby that requires lots of practice and concentration. For example: Learn a foreign language either in a class or by listening to tapes. It will make you smarter than "him" (and there's nothing more satisfying than feeling superior to someone who has dumped you) and learning a new language will give you a reason to take a fabulous cruise to somewhere exotic and fascinating.

Eighth: Make sure you don't overeat or stop exercising. In fact, take extra care to look your best. There is no point falling apart over a jerk. And if you ever unfortunately do run into him -- he will not have the satisfaction of seeing you fall apart over him.

Nine: Make a list of everything he ever did that made you angry and all of his bad qualities. Refer to it ofen. Remind yourself that THIS IS WHO HE IS.
Often women love "who he could be if only..." Why would you want to wait around just in case the frog decides to turn into a prince? There are plenty of men who are already princes just waiting to be discovered.

Ten: Thank whatever God you believe in that you found out what a jerk the fellow was before you married him and had children. You are truly blessed to be able to start fresh without ties that bind you to him.

You will heal -- trust me on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
In reply to: bellabh
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 5:50pm

It's been a little over 2 weeks since my ex broke up with me. What I did first was kept myself busy. I hung with friends almost everyday. If I wasn't with friends, I watched TV and zoned out. The most difficult time was when I went to bed and when I woke up. I was sad, angry, bitter, etc. And I've cried myself to sleep almost every night. So I started keeping a journal. Everytime I couldn't sleep or woke up in middle of the night upset, I wrote everything down. And I read this book, "He's just not that into you".

I also agree with the no-contact rule. When my ex contacted me a week ago, it upset me very much. I haven't heard from him in over a week, but I find myself obsessively checking my email, my cell, etc. However, I don't feel as bad as I did when I did hear from him.

Hang in there. I can't honestly say that I'm completely healed, but I feel like I'm on my way. It's painful, but everybody goes through it. Oh, and I've recently adopted a new hobby - knitting. It really helps to keep busy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: bellabh
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 10:14pm
I'm sorry to hear about your break-up....teh best advice I can offer is to stay busy!!! Hang out with friends and family, take up a hobby, throw yourself into your work, join a gym or anything else that will keep you busy. And cutting contact with your ex might help shorten the healing process. Good luck and keep us posted!!











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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2004
In reply to: bellabh
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 4:19am

thank you all for your suggestions. I was online yesterday and he told me "hi" thru msn messenger. I did not respond but then i sent him a text stating that he wanted me to stay out of his life and i did (cause i haven't called him since) and he should now stay out of mine. I also said that i did not want to be friends and i just want to move on then i asked for my stuff back (things that he borrowed that i really want back) and told him to leave them by a friend's house. I then tore up all the pictures that i could find of him. Should I give him the ring back???

Thanks for all the responses
bella




Edited 11/30/2004 4:27 am ET ET by bellabh
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
In reply to: bellabh
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:28am

Bellabh:

Legally, the ring is yours.

Morally/ethically there's a few things to take into consideration. If he broke it off and made you miserable many people might consider keeping the ring "compensation". My personal opinion is the girl should return the ring only if she, herself, was the one to break it off. If he broke it off -- he's the one who broke his promise. You're entitled to something for the pain and suffering.

Whether you want this "reminder" around is another question. If you decide to keep it -- have it reset as a pendant or something other than a ring. It would be less of a reminder reset I think. Another option would be to sell it if you truly can't stand looking at it at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
In reply to: bellabh
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:40am
I agree you should keep the ring... if having it around is just too painful... and you really don't want to spend the money to have it reset, why not pawn it... you use the money to spend the day at the spa or buy yourself something you've been wanting... but focus on you... it's okay to be a little selfish right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
In reply to: bellabh
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 2:57pm

Good for you!

I also think you are entitled to keep the ring since he broke things off (I'm assuming it isn't an heirloom or anything as well) although I would sell it asap and do something with the money for yourself :)