What now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
What now?
5
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 8:30pm
Hey for those of you who didnt read my last post heres the general:



I broke up with my 8 year relationship to Jeff-(my x now) 3 months ago.

I found out he had sex a couple of times after the breakup with an x- coworker of mine.

Reason for breakup? She had come to me with news at work about how he had been making advances at her- she is only 23, I am 28 and my boyfriend is 36. He had known her since she was 12- her mother used to work at the same resturant.

Jerry Springer- I know...

Well my boyfriend was a very sexual type- girls get turned on by it.

Well- I know she had a crush on him- however Jeff wasnt the instigater- found this out through time and people being there at the time- ( they would be brutaly honest with me because they have been before- extreamly jelious people who like to pry)

Not only that I confronted her with it and she told me she had a crush on him.( god I just wanted to punch her- but Im more mature than that- god how do I do it?)

Well to make a long story short he ended up having sex with her after our break up.

YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I found out about it because the people we know cant keep their mouths shut.

I went to him about it and he was so angry that I found out- he went to her and told her she was just a f**k, and he wants nothing to do with her because her big mouth just ended a relationship with the best person he had ever known. I found out this conversation through other people there. And if you find out from more than 3 people the same story without it being tainted- its usually true.

Unfortunatly I survived a 8 year relationship with him- he's a hermit and has alot of emotional problems( dealing with his brothers suiside- I was the only one who could deal with it with him through out our relationship) Afraid to get close to people.

Update: He recently came to me with an apology- he cried forever and I just sat there with no emotion.Just cant get past his actions.Dontknow what to do- should I help him through it or should anger get the best of me. I told him I can forgive but I cant forget. This is true for me right now. Even though we are split up- He dumped salt into my wound before I was able to heal. We had a closeness between us unbreakable with all we had been through- I feel guilty too. Why? Im not there to help him cope with his every move anymore? He made a wrong turn this time and I wont be able to set him back on track. Should I look at having sex- ( or sharing yourself with somebody else) any different? I know I taught him his most valuble lesson right here but how long after do you heal from this kind of pain? Please respond! stacy


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
In reply to: stabu2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 9:00pm
he was so angry that I found out- he went to her and told her she was just a f**k, and he wants nothing to do with her because her big mouth just ended a relationship with the best person he had ever known.


Ummm...excuse me...I don't think it was her big mouth that ended the relationship...it was him sleeping with her behind your back. Also, in addition to the way he's treated you...he treated the "other woman" like crap too. I'll bet he wasn't calling her "just a f**k" while he was trying to get her in the sack. I'd back WAY off...no contact...until he gets some serious help. Even then, I'd hesitate. Do you want to always be looking over your shoulder wondering who he's going to sleep with next?

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: stabu2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 12:07am
Stacy, I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but I think that what he did after the two of you broke up is none of your business. You had broken up. It wouldn't matter if he had had sex with ten people.

I don't know what the circumstances of your breakup are or who initiated it, but you should either decide to go forward in a committed relationship -- I mean after eight years you should know whether or not you want to stay together -- or break it off, do NC and begin to heal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: stabu2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 11:21am
Thanks alot for your reply- The reason we broke up is because we both wanted to see what weve been missing and if we had been missing anything. After 8 years we needed to prove to ourselves that if we did decide to get married in the future- we get it all out now. However that doesnt excuse him sleeping with an x coworker of mine- that made me angry and now I dont how to move past it. He was very upset the other night and didnt think of my feelings at the time- any one else- fine, but her? Who knows what the future holds- I do know one thing- he wont be sleeping with anyone I know again- boy was this a valuble lesson for him. I told him maybe it was non of my business but being that she was trying to move in on him while we were together- it sort of is. And he doesent disagree with that he knows what he did was wrong. We just have a really close nit relationship even today- we both agree to sleep with other people occasionally but it is out of the rule books to go sleep with someone who runs around the same circle of friends as me-right? Thanks again for your input- you helped alot! stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: stabu2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 11:34am
Thank you for your reply- The terms of us breaking up was to eventually get back together after we get the curiosity out of our systems- we both had to know life isnt greener on the other side of the fence. So immediatley he slept with her- ouch! She isnt actually a very nice person- I think she is more infatuated with me than him! She stalks my house, asks questions about me, she started dying her hair like mine and wearing same clothes, shes invading my life too. Somebody needs to tell her to quit boiling the rabits- HA! So his actions have made my life alot worse- however- yes he does need help but mainly with events associated with his brothers death-( which all of course trickle down into his relationships as well) I would have better luck holding a sign outside the mental institution for all of the releasee's - that says Im free for dinner tonight! ha! All I seem to date are complete qwacks anyways. Well- thanks again- stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
In reply to: stabu2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 12:35pm
Stacy-

In your post to me ("I F...ing Slept with him") a few minutes ago, you mentioned that I was being a "nurse betty". U are right, we were not put in this world to be their florence nightingales. He needs help, he needs support, he needs a shoulder to cry on, he needs someone to carry him through...but that's a really big job. And do you really want that job? Does he help you, support you, lend you his shoulder is caring and sensitive... Where is the balance? Sounds to me that you do too much for this guy. And it's okay that you're broken up for now. Like our good friend iamdelightful posted, really what he does after his break up is his prerogative and i know its irritating, but in the end, it doesn't mean anything. He's was torn and horny, he slept with some girl that offered herself to him on a silver platter, AND, he wasn't cheating on you because you were broken up. IT sucks, but it is part of finding out if the grass is greener, like you said you both agreed to do. She is no threat. It's just really annoying, I know. But in any case, how about giving yourself a little time to figure this out? Withouth talking to him? Can you do it?