what should i do?
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| Fri, 06-17-2005 - 9:27pm |
Hi, I have posted here before and your comments have always been so helpful-and right. My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of months after dating for over a year. We are in our mid-twenties and just both graduated with a graduate degree this May. We of course, did what many people do who just break up, the whole hanging out and of course the intimate relationship. I still don't know the reason we broke up, and everytime I approached the subject, he gave me a different reason. He just said he was too immature for a serious relationship and it just wasn't what he wanted.
So we attempt the "friends" thing and of course as noted above, that didn't work out. I thought everything would just kind of wind down because we were both moving to different cities. Well, that isn't the case anymore. He is moving to the city where I now live in about a couple of months and I really don't know what to do. He thought our relationship was great until I told him all of the times how he hurt me...this just recently happened. He said he didn't realize he hurt me so much, and I said, well I told you throughout the relationship and then I said, you obviously weren't listening...well, he agreed. He also agreed he said some thoughtless things because he lacked the filter, i.e. watching what he says before he says it.
Well, I think he finally got it. He had been calling me all the time when I first moved here-I didn't call him at all. So when he called this last time, I just got angry. We talked for a while and I said, listen, I need to move on and you just need to give me some space. My question is, what do I do when he moves here? I am really nervous about this and I told him that...do I keep in contact? Do I just ignore him when he gets here? He said he still has relationship feelings, but when he broke up with me, he felt that we both should move on...I just don't know what to do. Help! Thanks

No
Contact.
Ever.
doesn't matter, ipixy.
no contact. no talks, no phone calls, no emails, nothing.
if you really want to end it, if he's just a blot on the page, then ignore him and move on with your life and give yourself the chance to meet someone who's wonderful.
no contact.
If you ex was never able to give you a clear and honest answer as to why your former relationship came to an end, why should you think there will be much clarity or sense in anything which follows with him?
If you want to move on with your life, you can't continue to wonder what your ex is doing with his, and understand any potential motives he may have in moving closer to you. Whether he lived next door or across the country, the fact remains you two are no longer a couple, and that you want to move on with your life.
Start the no contact rule immediately - no emails to explain how you feel, no taking his calls or texts, and no meeting up on a platonic basis. Over means over; if you do anything to the contrary, 'over' will mean 'it's over, but let's continue to be a part of each others lives'. If you want to set yourself back, keep in touch; otherwise, no more contact.
Now what do I do? So as noted in my previous post, well, I started feeling guilty as if I was being mean (Yes, I know I should never have to apologize for my feelings), but I of course did. So what do I do? I call him the other day to apologize...he was out so he said we would talk later. So he calls and I tell him, you know, I don't want to fight and the timing for dealing with this tension just isn't good (have a big test ahead of us). So we should just let things be for now, and that I probably should have just shut up the other night (even though he was the one who kept pushing it). Then he says, well, I have been trying to tell you this, so yeah, great idea, but this is something I already know. So of course I get defensive and just say, sorry I called. He said, no, that he shouldn't have called me back. He said he was ok, but other things aren't. That he has too many emotions to deal with to talk to me and should figure those out (which I find odd because he really was never an emotional person). Well, he wouldn't talk about it and said we would talk later. That was a couple of days ago. All I can think about is whether he is ok, which I guess he said he was, but something else was wrong.
So I know we shouldn't be together and I can do so much better, so what is this so hard? Now I feel like I am just waiting by the phone and no, I am not going to call him. I sent him a text that regardless of everything, I would still be there to listen. So what do I do? I feel like I may not hear from him until he moves here in 2 months. I am just so heartbroken...help!