What should we do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
What should we do?
6
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 12:56am

She's been in a relationship for a couple years, they live together, have a lease together, there's complications as far as that's concerned.

Me, I haven't been in a committed relationship for some time. We've worked together for 3 years or so, and I guess you get to know someone and things click or they don't. They clicked on all levels it seems between us. And we both realize this.

She wants to be with me, I want to be with her, we want to explore a relationship together because we get along and 'like' each other a great deal.

All we've done is smooched a couple times when we met for a drink after work. We both feel bad about doing that. And I feel really bad about the circumstances (uh, her not being single and all this coming out)

Her relationship is unsalvagable apparently, they grew apart, and despite his last ditch efforts to win her back, she wants to move on. This is after she came to me a couple weeks ago and said she wanted to work on her relationship (which does her even more credit) and I layed off totally, but even now, she wants to be with me more than ever and finally wants to move on.

What should both of us do?




Edited 11/19/2004 1:00 am ET ET by blankedy
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 3:02pm
Any thoughts in regard to, should I lay off, should she tell him about me, anything...
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 9:59am

My only advice would be to back away from this one. SHE needs to figure out her relationship, and she needs to do it without having the thought that someone is waiting for her. And even if she breaks if off with this guy, she needs to take some time alone before jumping in with another guy. Trust me, it wouldn't be fair to you. Don't get messed up in this situation. That's my only advice...good luck!

hugs,
K

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 12:05pm

Tell her to let you know when she has ended the r'ship and moved out. This isn't going to be easy, because you work together, but you need to change your r'ship so that it's strictly professional...no friendly chit chat even, let alone long talks about your deepest feelings.

As the other poster said, even after she moves out, she's still going to be grieving for the r'ship so won't be in a position to enter into a *healthy* new r'ship...but she doesn't sound emotionally healthy anyway, so I guess if you choose to be with her, the timing after the breakup isn't all that crucial.

Good luck, you're going to need it, whether she leaves her bf or not.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 12:57pm

Thanks so much for your inputs. Yeah, this is going to be a tough one. But you both are right if I want to have a serious attempt at successful relationship with her.

I wish I were a robot sometimes and could just switch off the emotions to make some things easier. But, I spose it's all part of life :)




Edited 11/20/2004 1:14 pm ET ET by blankedy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 9:52pm

STOP playing with fire. She's in a relationship and no matter how bad it is, that means she is UNAVAILABLE. If the two of you got together how long would it be before you wondered when she would meet someone else and do to you what she is currently doing to the guy she lives with? You are exciting, you talk to her, share with her, meet her emotional needs, but you don't know her. I mean know her in the day to day routines of life. Right now you are both paying each other a lot of attention and it feels great, heck you could even be her stepping stone to getting out of a bad relationship, but that doesn't mean once you are together that there won't be issues, that she won't repeat the pattern, that what is wrong in her current relationship won't happen again, because she hasn't really figured out that to be in a relationship means you have to invest time, effort and energy in keeping it alive and instead of doing that with her man, she was busy spending that time, effort and engery with you, building a close intimate relationship with you, betraying her boyfriend and living a lie.

If you want her, then tell her, "When you are moved out, on your own and available, call me." Why, you ask? Because right now she has one foot in a relationship at home and the other in a relationship with you and all your emotional support is what has kept her in the other relationship, her sharing with you, talking with you, etc has enabled her to 'tolerate' her relationship at home.

My best to you and your decision.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 11:19am
Well I guess there is really only one thing for her to do....if she wants to be with you then she needs to end her current relationship. Then maybe she can discuss the whole lease situation with her bf...if one of them still wants to live there then maybe they can work something out with the owner to get one of them off the lease and the other stay there and finish it out. I know where I live most owners don't mind as long as they're still getting their money. It's worth a shot anyway. After they are officially broken up and she's ready to move on, then you two can give it a go but I wouldn't try anything until she is 100% ready. Good luck and keep us posted.











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