WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?
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| Sat, 11-10-2007 - 5:11pm |
I am such an idiot....ok background...my ex and i were together for a little over 1 year...moved in together for 8 months...things got really bad at the end...i started drinking too much and being a bad gf and would come home and freak out at him when i was drunk..i was not the only one who did things wrong...i found out on a couple occasions he lied to me about ex's///he says he lied bc he was trying to save grief in our relationship by me knowing the truth about these things (like he slept with his ex the night before me and gave me grief for doing the same thing with another guy but kept his secret to himself until i found out on my own), when we were living together i would get frustrated bc he didnt pay me the attention i wanted and i didnt feel like #1.

I feel so much sympathy for you. I would completely flip out if I read such an email between my ex and someone else. But obviously he's seeing this person---there's nothing you can do. We would want to do things and fantasize about doing things that would make us feel better, but we'd end up on trial for 1st degree murder or in a padded room in a mental institution.
Don't torcher yourself. Stop looking at his email. It seems impossible to make yourself stop, but you are going to really emotionally damage yourself if you're subjected to those kinds of interactions with him and someone else.
My advise is: don't pick up a drink. Call someone you've known for awhile (a guy) who's always had a crush on you--even if he's totally geek. It'll make you feel better that other guys actually can see the wonderful person you are, and that your ex is not the only guy on the face of the earth that could ever want to be with you.
Go shopping. Buy a sexy outfit, get a make-over, a new hair style, an insanely expensive pair of shoes that you just fall in love with, anything to spoil yourself. Dress up everyday and put on make-up and accessories like you are the queen of the world, and you will emotionally begin to feel better, and your image of self-worth and respect will not be dictated by him.
If you want to punish him, and make him feel how you did reading those emails--consider this. Send a text message to his cell phone that says, "Yes, I had a good time last night too. The restaurant was fabulous." Pretend it was an accident--you're just so used to automatically punching in his number. If he questions you about it, tell him you're not sure if you're looking to move on to a second date with anyone yet--it's kind of soon. I hope my stupidity didn't hurt your feelings. (He'll say "It didn't'), but I promise, he's lying through his teeth.
Thank you so much for your advice! I know i need to stop looking at his emails..he;s away this weekend so i think i'm just going to talk to
I would advise you to re-think the revenge idea - it rarely turns out well. It feels good for the 5 seconds your lashing out, but you're almost always left regretful and sorry. One of the biggest regrets I've had over my last break up is that I lost my head for one second and left a nasty post on his facebook wall. Granted, he was a cheater and handled the break up with an utter lack of finesse - but still, in retrospect, I wish I'd kept my cool.
And you only have to take a look at, say, Britney Spears or Kim Basinger to see what it looks like to other people - it makes you look like an angry spiteful person instead of the graceful accomplished person you want to project. No. Best to sleep on anything you feel like you 'want' to do at the moment because chances are, you'll think differently in 24 hours.
And Karma DOES go around. I have a good friend whose first love dumped her after 3 years out of the blue (among other things). Two years later, they run into each other, he's in some deadend job at a gas station, and he's spent the sixteen (SIXTEEN!) years since begging her back. People ALWAYS get what they dish out.
All the best
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
Welcome to the board helpmeplease1,
Consider this: Zen of Doing Nothing
Wow i understand completely where you are sitting at the moment.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I as well have 'been there, done that'. While I was with my ex-fiance (this was 4.5 years ago), I suspected he was seeing another woman. I kicked him out, and I quickly regretted it. I did everything possible to 'win him back', but of course, nothing worked, he was with someone new. I was devestated, so I started drinking. I was drinking a case of beer (24) every 2 days. I was going to work hungover, crying all the time, gaining weight, and feeling miserable about myself. One night I wrecked my car, and it was then that I decided I needed to pull myself together before something more serious happened.
I quit drinking for almost a year and attended AA meetings. I quit contacting him, including checking his online profile and emailing him. I refocused on myself and didn't worry about what he was doing. It was the only way.
I know it's going to be difficult, but you need to let go of what will never be, stop contacting him, and focus on regaining your life. It sucks going through all the pain, but you have to feel ALL the emotions in order for you to heal and feel better. Getting drunk during this time is only going to prolong the healing process because you are not dealing with the underlying issues.
During this healing process, find out what works for you. Read all the other discussions on this board and learn from the people who have survived this healing process. Do what you need to do - write in a journal, go for walks, take warm baths, read self-help books, do anything that will help you regain your self-esteem. Attending AA meetings for awhile will help you regain perspective on your situation because you will be with people who are experiences similar challenges in their lives. Even though I have decided to not quit drinking, I am more responsible about it, and I have found that by dealing with my underlying issues, the desire to drink has decreased.
I wish both you and broken all the best in your healing process, I know it's not easy. It's almost the end of Day 14 of NC with my ex, and I still have changes in my mood from hour to hour. But comparing this Sunday to the 2 Sundays ago when he moved out, I feel a lot better. I still have a lot of work to do during this process, but I do know that it's worth it in the end because I am starting to become happier and regain a sense of peace in my life.
hugs to you both, lisa